A
female
age
36-40,
*apantaola
writes:Hi everyone,I am very stuck. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months and we were very happy and content together. I never thought that I would be thinking of breaking up with him but I really feel stuck. We were making plans for the future such as moving country together when I finish my studies and having a life there. We were so excited and just little things that we shared were so special. I am the type of person that when a relationship is over it is OVER. I do not maintain any contact with any of my ex's no matter how hard some have tried to catch up or reconnect. I just don't want to and it is my way of dealing with endings. Two weeks ago I saw a text on his phone asking him if he has a girlfriend and I immediately sensed that it was his ex and it was. After lying and saying it was a friend or his ex's friend I found out for myself that it was his ex and felt so crap that he lied to me. He said to show me and send me all the conversation to show to me that it was nothing and that he just likes to be in touch with her. He feels nice knowing that they can still talk no matter what happened between them. Before this happened I never ever doubted his commitment and how much he loves me and how special I am to him. He always made me feel how proud he is to be with me and how he puts his trust in me. Where things went really wrong was when he was saying that he doesn't want to tell her he has a girlfriend. I do get that as it is not easy or nice to do that but it made me feel that he was editing me out of his life for his ex's convenience. He was explaining his side that even if we broke up he would not want to tell me if he had a new girlfriend because he would feel bad. He sees things his way and doesn't realize how hurtful that is to me. Eventually he did tell her and then she stopped texting him all together (if we go along with what he said to me). He has tried in every possible way to tell me that he wont talk to her again even though for him he feels like he "lost a friend" but he wont be in contact. He has reassured me as I already knew that this was 3 years ago and he would never want to enter in that relationship again as it was unhealthy and looking back he feels it should have never happened. Yet he still wanted to maintain contact.Can someone who maybe has been on his side help me understand him?? Also, I am finding it so painful to think that he might still be talking to her. Clearly I have trust issues but I just can't handle it I feel hurt and I have changed towards him.He feels insecure but does his best to move forward and reassure me and keeps telling me he still wants all those things together like moving together etc but he feels that I am just waiting around until I find the right time to break up with him. Am I being unreasonable?? How can I trust that he is not secretly talking to her and that if he is that it doesn't mean anything? Also to mention I have just started at drama school which is A LOT of pressure on me and maybe that is also why I can't deal with any other uncertainties and Im rushing to end this when other than this it was a beautiful relationship. Sorry for the huge rant but this is taking over my life. All the time I am obsessing and I can't be happy. I used to be happy and felt on top of the world with him and now I just feel that he is a liar and like he is the enemy :(
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 September 2015):
 This is a grown man? A man who can't manage to tell an ex he's moved on and has a new girlfriend? Hm. And then tries to make you feel guilty by blaming you for his 'losing a friend'? Double hm. That's a hm hm.
Well, now you know he's not as grown up as he might pretend to be and has more concern for saving face with the ex than he has with being honest to you.
You've been dating him for 9 months. That's not all that long, in the broad scheme of things. The good news is that you know now how he is. Will he tell you when he starts dating someone else? Well, you'll never know as you cut the exes entirely from your life.
So how did you meet him? What do your friends think? What does your family think? Do you obsess a lot over other things? Is this taking over your life because you have come to realize something or because you just want things back the way they were?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2015): You are absolutely right to be disappointed.If it is all innocent and above board, *why* has he never mentioned her along the lines of 'oh I got a text from so and so from way back when. She's now doing xyz. It's funny how life works out isn't it' He didn't need to make a huge announcement. But the fact that he a) kept her a secretb) kept you a secretC) lied to you about who she was spells bad news. He might like the ego boost of her chasing him, he may be keeping her as plan b, he may not think it's a big deal to tread the grey area of what constitutes platonic friendship.He needs to own up to breaking your trust and disrespecting your relationship. Then he needs to identify why he did it and work on fixing it. It's meaningless to promise it won't happen again.
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