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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I had a male friend from my work who confided in me recently that he had been reprimanded for sexual harassment.In his version of events, they joked around for quite while exlusively in spanish with an attractive girl at our office who also wanted to practice her spanish. He is flirtatious and sometimes says inappropriate things (even in english). He claims that one day after she misunderstood the intention of something he had said, she reported him to superiors, and since then has never talked to him again. What surprised me was that he was really angry about this when he recalled it to me. He acted as if it were all her fault and he was FURIOUS she had reported him. He literally bristled while telling me this.I don't know her version, but I had a lot of trouble smypathizing with him at the time. It's like he refused to admit any responsiblity for what happened. I listened and said nothing. Over the past couple months, he also started being a bit too attentive for a platonic friend. He would text with photos of him taking out his recycling (I am a bit of a militant eco-warrior....:) He would call to talk about nothing and it was hard to tell him, I didn't have time to chat. I told him outright, I need my space. Instead of ignoring me, which is what I hoped for, he became more flirtatious and especially in a social setting. So I stopped communicating with him. (I didn't report him), but now I receive weekly phone calls and text messages asking me to go to for lunch that I find bothersome. At work he keeps his distance, in social situations he tries to corner me at times. I have started to avoid funtions where he is invited.It's been going on for 3 months now. The latest is a text message today: "What would you say if I told you I was getting engaged?"It actually made me angry that he told me what should be rather serious news in this way. It was like he was hoping for a reaction. Can someone explain what his issue is? I doubt that it has to do much with me personally. I know sexual harassment is an issue that men feel unfairly falls on their backs more often then women. It's true it is hard to tell where the line between friendly and too friendly starts. Experiences?Suggestions for how to deal with the continual text messaging and phone calls (that I no longer respond to)?Personal rants from men about being unfairly accused of harassment?Am I being unreasonable for giving him the cold shoulder or finding him creepy after he disclosed this story about the reprimand?
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male
reader, supercutie  +, writes (24 January 2011):
It sounds like you've been very tolerant with this guy. You've told him that you need your space away from him yet he is still continuing to harass you.
Unwanted text messages, phone calls, cornering you in the office is all harassment.
Why should you have to change your lifestyle by avoiding functions etc?
He sounds like a big attention seeker who doesn't know when to quit, because you are a kind person and took the time to listen to him (gave him some attention) he has latched on to you. He is the one with the problem not you.
If you can, you need to get him in a room with another trusted colleague as support and firmly tell him you really have had enough of his messages, phone calls etc.
Tell him that he is upsetting you by continuing to do this, and if it does not stop you will have no alternative but to report him.
Don't get into any kind of conversation with him, just say your piece and leave the room.
If he still continues to harass you, you'll have no alternative but to report him.
Don't feel bad if you do have to do this, you gave him a chance, if he chose not to take it he has to face the consequences.
Good luck with this, be strong, don't let him get away with hurting you.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Creepy.
Your first "Red Flag" was:
...What surprised me was that he was really angry about this when he recalled it to me. He acted as if it were all her fault and he was FURIOUS she had reported him. He literally bristled while telling me this.
He objectifies and dehumanizes the object of his affection. Help me out here - narcissist or some other personality disorder.
You need to completely remove yourself from any personal involvement with him. He's a bit (read; lot) frightening.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): I'm not sure about the harassment charges. If you don't want continued attention, tell him verbally and in an email or snail mail that you've moved on from the friendship and ask him not to contact you via any means as well as not to bother you at events any more. He definitely has issues of some sort, I wouldn't even worry about trying to figure out what they are.
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