A
female
age
41-50,
*eluski
writes:Here's the story. Eight months ago, I met a guy online. We were instantly attracted to each other, met up and quickly fell in love. We met during the Christmas holidays, but I was working abroad at the time. I eventually had to go back to work, but he insisted on wanting a relationship.. He came to visit me twice. We had a good time the first time, but by the second time we had started to have 'trust' issues and arguing. I guess we'd never really spent time living and doing things together, so it was hard. I checked his phone and found out he'd been having contact with his ex (fighting over things, flirting etc). I was devastated, especially since the one time I spoke to my ex (about a practical issue that had to be sorted out), he got really angry. Time passed, we still were in the long distance relationship, but he lost his job. He started staying at home all day, playing computer games and smoking pot (which is something he'd always done a lot). I went to my home country to visit him and, while he was happy to see me, he never made any effort to come see me at my house or call me. I went to see him instead all the time, called him all the time. I never got a single message or call back and he kept saying it was because he did not have any money on his pay-as-you-go phone. I understood that he's frustrated with his situation, but sometimes I could not help but feel that the money he has saved he spends on pot, rather than spend one euro to go on the bus and come see me. I am not good at keeping things in, so sometimes I did complain about this, but he got very angry whenever I addressed it and hung up the phone on me. Later, he would call me and apologize and say he loves me so much, but he just can't take the arguments and doesn't mean the (horrible) things he says when he's angry. He kept saying how it pisses him off when he hears me crying and he knows he can't do anything about it, so he'd rather hang up when it happens.After this, I went back to work and we spent two months apart. Same as ever, me calling him from abroad, lots of arguments, but him insisting he loves me. At this point, I had become suspicious because he was always accusing me of cheating (I wasn't), so I decided to check his online accounts. I found that he was very heavily and obviously flirting with his ex-girlfriend on facebook (while her response was relatively distant/brushing him off). I told him this and he got upset, saying "What's wrong with being friendly with my ex? You can't tell me who to talk to and how".When I came back after the two months, I have tried to be understanding and minimize the complaints, arguments... But it got frustrating with me having to be the one who always goes round to his, calls him and makes the effort to spend time together. He always wants to see me, but he never did anything about it. He never directly said "Hey I miss you, come round". I would just be asking "Can I come round? Are we going to meet today?" and he'd be like "Yeah, come whenever, you know I'm always here". When I try to ask things like, "Why do you want me there?" he gets pissed off, saying "Stop wanting to hear things all the time, I'm sick of your constant need for approval".Things came to an end when I went to his the other day. I had asked him a few weeks ago whether he's got pictures of his ex on the computer where they are kissing etc. I expected him to have pictures, but not intimate ones. He said "No, because we weren't that close, we didn't do things like take pictures of kisses etc". When I was using his computer, though, I checked the folder with their names and they are lots of intimate pictures of them. My heart broke. I confronted him. He said he lied because he didn't want to hurt me. I broke up with him, not because of the pictures as such, but because of all this thing that had been building up. The pictures showed me this thing that they had... a normal couple life, going on holidays, clubbing, spending time with mutual friends.. that he never even tried to achieve with me. I realize he was better off then, financially... and that he was happier with himself.. He says he'll never find a girl like me again and he knows that. He cried a lot and said he doesn't want to lose me, because I was perfect for him and he was closer to me than anyone.. Then I went home and we haven't spoken since, but I'm heartbroken.I guess what I'm trying to understand is, am I being unreasonable? I never demanded anything material from him, just to see that he wants me.. I'm trying to say to myself that it's just his financial situation that was the problem and he really did love me, but then, all the flirting with the ex and the lying... I mean, he's probably lied about other things... I know he cheated on the ex quite a few times (he says she knows about it too, but I'm not convinced)...I just feel like crying all the time. What do you guys make out of this situation? I'm sorry for the long post, I've just been feeling like crap. I'm really in love with this guy.
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broke up, christmas, clubbing, ex girlfriend, facebook, fell in love, flirt, heartbroken, his ex, kissing, long distance, lost his job, money, my ex, on holiday, video games Reply to this Question
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female
reader, beluski +, writes (31 July 2009):
beluski is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, kayla. What you say makes sense. I guess what confused me is that when we met he was so keen to come visit and do these huge things for me and then all the ex stuff and other crap started to take over and he stopped. So, I guess that's why I found it hard to believe he's still hung up on her and I did believe he was in love with me. But I do agree with you that when you break up with an ex, you should try and build a new life (new memories, pictures etc) with a new partner.... and he's not trying and that's what hurts. I guess the pictures would not be such an issue if I could see commitment from his part.. I thought after he said he doesn't want to break up and he wants to see me again and he'll do everything to sort himself out and try to figure things out for me, he meant it. But he hasn't been in touch.... :(
A
female
reader, beluski +, writes (31 July 2009):
beluski is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, kayla. What you say makes sense. I guess what confused me is that when we met he was so keen to come visit and do these huge things for me and then all the ex stuff and other crap started to take over and he stopped. So, I guess that's why I found it hard to believe he's still hung up on her and I did believe he was in love with me. But I do agree with you that when you break up with an ex, you should try and build a new life (new memories, pictures etc) with a new partner.... and he's not trying and that's what hurts. I guess the pictures would not be such an issue if I could see commitment from his part.. I thought after he said he doesn't want to break up and he wants to see me again and he'll do everything to sort himself out and try to figure things out for me, he meant it. But he hasn't been in touch.... :(
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Dont waste any more time with this loser.
The Long Distance, his being so distant, not making an effort, LYING?
How much more BS do you want to put up with?
He lied to you because he probably still has some sort of intimate relationship with his wife. And for him to fly off the handle in that situation and accuse you of cheating is very telling.
People do that to deflect attention away from their own actions...or to internally justify their actions. Like say for instance I was your BF and this situation came about, I might be able to justify myself by saying "Yeah I don't know what she is doing being so far away, so I think its ok to still bang my ex, because I'll never really know what my GF is up to."
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but if I didn't give you brutal honesty I wouldn't be giving you realistic advice.
So my advice is to leave this guy on the couch with the bong. He obviously is being less than honest, and if he says he didn't want to hurt you rest assured he will be hurting you more very soon.
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A
female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (31 July 2009):
 maybe he is still in love with his ex gf and his using you to get over her.sounds to me like he isn't really bothered how he treats you or if you split but his using you to pass the time to get over his ex.when you split with someone you generally get rid of any pictures you have with that persona and start creating new pictures with your new partner.to be honest long distance relationships don't really tend to work especially when your the only one making the effort.if you love him don't give up but explain to him the only way it is going to work is if he tells you how he really feels
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