A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My partner has let me down on quite a few occasions and has always promised that he would make it up to me in one way or another but that never really happens as he hopes that I will just forgive and forget. He works abroad and I only see him every second weekend where I receive two weeks washing which is done, ironed and then back into his case for the following Monday. He leaves my house in a mess, his clothes take up more space in my cupboards than my own and I thought it was time that I had some pay back for this. I said that I really needed a holiday which I was hoping he would pay for (I have always paid for my own holidays beforehand, and share costs, etc with him) but just for once I felt that it would be nice to be treated. We have been together now for 5 years and he never even acknowledged this by a card or a bunch of flowers on our anniversary.Well, he recently sent me an email saying he was checking out holidays and that he would send me the quotes to see what I think of them. Well, I didn't really want any quotes, just for him to book it and for me to pack my backs and get on a plane. Am I being unrealistic and should I just pay my usual half and keep quiet or make a fuss and tell him that this time it is on him.By the way, he is a high earner with lots of investments and money in the bank which is very rarely spent on me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies which have made me feel that I am right to expect a bit more from him. He is crafty though as he hasnt paid his nominal amount of rent for this month probably knowing that he had to book a holiday although I have to ask him every month for this. I think I realise I can't win with this man or can you change someone after 5 years.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 June 2010):
This is going nowhere. I'd love to be able to tell you that it is. And I know what I'm going to say will hurt, but you are effectively providing a bed for the night when he decides to come around. You can do so much better than this.
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A
male
reader, Sir-T +, writes (8 June 2010):
I dont think so, sounds more like he's not appreciative of your love, effort and time. Tell him what you want and he should do it if he loves you... personally i would do it for you cos u sound like an angel...i mean, you've had all this and not complained??? and its long-distance???... you are the ideal wife material.
make that man what you want him to be or he'll treat you like he does all the way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): We train our partners on how to treat us in the beginning of the relationship. That's when rules are set as far as who does what and who pays for what. In the beginning of your relationship, you accepted paying for half for holidays and cleaning up after him. Now he just assumes that this is how to do things. But it's not making you happy.
For the laundry issue, you have to tell him that as much as you want to spend as much time as possible with him when he's in town, you don't have the time or the patience to clean up after him. Tell him your back gets sore from bending and lifting. Look into housekeepers and see how much it would be to hire one to come in that can do his laundry and pick up after him. If you show him that you need the help, he should after 5 years be willing to help you since it's his clothes and mess that the housekeeper would be cleaning up after.
As for the holiday, just saying to him "I want you to pay for the holiday" will not be received well. You can say
"Can you take care of that for me?" Or wouldn't it be romantic if you planned and took care of everything?"
If you want things to change, you need to teach him how you want to be treated now.
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