A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m at my wits end with my MIL... if it wasn’t bad enough when my partner raced down 107kms to take his mother to the hairdressers when no-one else was available for free, this next exploit beats all. Earlier this year my MIL made flight arrangements to visit family. Instead of flying out from her airport 14 km’s away as before, and pay a friend or (subsidised) taxi fare; she decides to fly out from our City airport for a direct flight. This involves my partner driving 300kms to bring her to our place overnight, and then take her to our City airport.She complained she didn’t want to walk the tarmac, then up stairs to board a plane. Her shoes are uncomfortable, she can’t carry her luggage (on rollers) from the sidewalk to the counter and the 2 connecting flights are all of a sudden inconvenient for her!? Then I found out she didn’t even bother to offer petrol money for this trip... I wasn’t impressed and was wild thinking she again takes things for granted and is abusing her son’s kindness (and all those alike). As her departure nears, my resentment has returned and I have cracked down on her exploiting us by making it clear to my partner; that she’ll not be welcome here in future if she hasn’t the decency to offer him petrol money and she’s best to book a flight back to her airport and pay for a taxi to get home and not use him as her taxi. It’s the last straw! Please advise me if I’m being unfair, insensitive or inconsiderate of my MIL... Because I think she’s grossly selfish and I don’t believe we should ask her for money as this gesture should come from her out of politeness? And while she boasts having a loving family, I don’t see it that way; as it doesn’t mean you neglect giving them a little something in kind. Otherwise you’re just a blatant user in my books and my door will be closed in her face.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI’ve had much to rethink after reading your answers... Thank you. Most of you have hit the mark with your advice. It would be lengthy to convey the whole MIL history, but I’m not writing to pass my time about a MIL who is poor unfit lonely, compassionate and thoughtful of others or if my partner wasn’t affected by her demands when he’s on $255/wk, has legal matters that require his attendance, can’t drive long distances due to injury, medication and my unavailability as I tend to my ailing mother.
My principle view is a simple offering of some petrol when it’s no secret we’re doing it tough. When she offers friends petrol money, she can do so for her son? I am also of the belief you help family and as a whole I like my MIL FIL and do help them greatly with their needs to simplify live; taxi subsidy, direct debit of bills, Doctor to you etc. But don’t pester me, my partner for petty drives to the hairdressers’ weekly when it’s 1.8km from her home as FIL doesn’t drive anymore or when she wants to play cards across the road and refuses to ask the ladies over her place as the card game is after all played on a circular table... get a taxi, ask a friend in the retirement village, buy a round table or cough up some petrol money! ($1.29/litre 11ltr/100km)
In view of the airport drive or anything else, I would have been happy, my partner ecstatic had she offered or bought him chocolate. AT LEAST that’s showing him some appreciation for the loving son he is. But after so many petty demanding requests she’s made, some my partner honestly told her he could not do, she still persisted until he gave in. To see this in a man is not pleasant.
Poor him indeed, there is only one woman after a man leaves his mother he needs to cling to; his wife. It’s designed to be less confusing for the husband and MIL should know that after her sermons. Meanwhile we shall always be there to help, not heaped upon.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 October 2016):
 I get what Ivy and BimBim are saying. The MIL is going out of her way to get her son to jump through hoops for her. My guess? She is lonely.
Unless this "taxi services" she seems to demand is breaking your budget and bank, I'd let your husband deal with his mother.
I think not letting her visit and stay with you two on her way somewhere else is a bit petty, my guess is she doesn't see your husband very often so she might have thought to tried to hit "two flies" with one stone. As is see your husband on the way to see other parts of the family. Or it was an easier flight from your area (a straight flight instead of one with a connection) Your MIL seems a bit isolated? Who does she have around her where she lives?
Unless my husband and I were broke I'd not expect gas money for doing something for my father or his father.
My dad came to visit us some years ago and my husband had to pick him up in the next state over because he missed the local connection (not his fault, but that of the weather). We never dreamed of asking him for gas money for that trip.
Is there another reason you are not getting along with your MIL? Is/was she the meddling kind?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (14 October 2016):
 My previous answer seems to have got lost, however here are my thoughts again,
I live in Australia, remote, rural, which means although the region is reasonably populated, on a major highway, some services are not available ..... 4 hour drive to the airport (sometimes to pick up friends), 3 hour drive to the dentist, 1.5 hours to the doctor, unless you opt for consultation by video conference.
Some people do the 4 hour trip to the city, have appointment and the 4 hours back in the same day, I cant do that anymore but the initial trip, or a 3o0 km there and back trip is still not too excessive for me at this stage.
I think your ultimatum threatening to not allow your husbands mother stay at his home is the result of some much deeper dislike of her.
I agree wholeheartedly with Cindy Cares on this, particularly the issues that come with an aging body.
Now unless your mother in law is taking the food from the mouths of your babies I think you need to just sit back and be quiet, and allow your husband to have HIS relationship with his mother on his terms, not yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2016): If I were you I would bow out of this situation and let your husband deal with his mother however HE sees fit. Maybe their relationship has always been like this. Don't put so much pressure on your husband to dance to your tune, when he's perhaps happy and willing to do this for her. She MAY have manipulated people all her life, your husband included, and asking him to change the way he relates to her now, could be very uncomfortable for him, if not impossible. My father could be very unreasonable, but to go against him, even as an adult, was not worth it. He could make things very uncomfortable for everyone if he didn't get his way. I can imagine being married to someone who suddenly wanted me to change the way I related to him. What a nightmare!Try to understand that this could be a family dynamic that you have not come across before. The roots run deep.If I were you I would step aside and let your husband behave with his own mother the way he wants to. Be supportive and understanding if he needs it, and don't be controlling! Have you any idea how much he will love you for it? Not making him choose between who he makes happy? Poor man!And remember, your husband will probably outlive his mother and yet your marriage could go on and on for years after she's gone. She might meet someone, move, anything. Things never stay the same. My advice? Just put up and shut up. Who knows, you might need her one day.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 October 2016):
 I feel you are jealous of his mother for whatever reason. Look she is his mother, he loved her long before you and he would not be here if it wasn't for her. She seems to have brought up a kind man, fair play to her. So what if he wants to help her? He has the right to. He does not belong to you he can make his own decisions in life.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 October 2016):
 No Cindy I don't consider your words to be polemic at all- every one is entitled to their opinion, thats what this site is about and why I love it. It is not about the cost per se it is about thinking it is ok. I dont know where this lady lives in Australia or her financial situation but I do know families I work with $30 is a big deal. Even bigger burden if you feel obligated to say yes when you need to shout Nooooooooo. Im a mother and I wouldn't dream of asking my child to come drive 3 hours to collect me when I could get there myself just 15 minutes away
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 October 2016):
No Cindy I don't consider your words to be polemic at all- every one is entitled to their opinion, thats what this site is about and why I love it. It is not about the cost per se it is about thinking it is ok. I dont know where this lady lives in Australia or her financial situation but I do know families I work with $30 is a big deal. Even bigger burden if you feel obligated to say yes when you need to shout Nooooooooo. Im a mother and I wouldn't dream of asking my child to come drive 3 hours to collect me when I could get there myself just 15 minutes away
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2016): If you are tight for money or even earning an average amount she should offer a contribution. Petrol is not free. Your husband is a kind man and she knows it as she raised him. Having been in your situ my advice is to encourage him to help her....sounds counterintuitive bit it may then the point where he sees the impact it has and conclude himself if it is going too far.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2016):
 Sorry, I would not want to sound polemic in this particular instance ( in others, I don't mind :) - but frankly if we have to make it an issue of money, not of principle , I am astonished.
I mean, although personally I see it a bit differently, I could stretch it to understand the OP objecting, on principle, to the fact that her husband considers himself on call if his mother needs something, or to the fact that he devotes 3 and a half hours of his free time to his mother rather than to his wife and children, or that his mother acts entitled in not thinking she is imposing on anybody....... but if we put it strictly on the monetary level- well, gas in Australia is CHEAP - it's one of the lowest prices for developped countries! ( try Europe, if you want expensive ). Today's price is around 0,80 euros/ liter. That means that the whole 300 km trip will require , say, 20 liters ( in fact it will probably be less, because 7 liters / 100 km. is , more or less, average consumption for URBAN driving ) which will cost 16 euros: less than 18 UsDollars ! ( or, 23.8 Australian dollars ).
Now, cultures are different; some are more matriarcal, some less; some are very family oriented, others not so much ; ... but tbh, so far, I have never came across any culture where a man can't spend such a modest amount on his mother without rising a big , angered hue -and- cry ! ( and it IS a modest amount for Australia- being approx. like 1,5 hours of minimal wage )...
So please let me keep my illusions and let me believe that whatever the OP is mad about, more or less legitinately according to different opinions, anyway could not be the cost of the ride...
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 October 2016):
300km- did I read correct? thats a 3 and a bit hr drive even doing the Aussie speed limit of 110/km. AND at our petrol prices-crikey I'd be pretty ticked off too. No way, I think she's taking the piss when there are far less inconvenient for you guys and flexible options for her to take. Airlines provide and accommodate for the elderly if needed. She could have asked to be 'gofered' or wheel chaired if she was unable to walk. I cant see how it would be rude to be suggesting next time it would be helpful if she could use the normal route as before. A son and his mum, um yeah...good luck with that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 October 2016):
OP, she is his MOTHER, not some pesky neighbour who keeps showing up at your door to borrow your scissors or blow dryer.
Now, of course it depends from how often she needs assistence, if it's all the time I understand your irritation- but , if once in a year or in a few months (.. I don't suppose she is a frequent flyer, is she ? ) she wants to travel comfortably and her son can assist her in doing that, well, I think her son must be HAPPY , or at least not mind, to do just that, and to avoid her any inconvenience since he can do it with only a moderate sacrifice of his time and money.
Also, you assume that your MIL is spoiled and needy , and I don't know, maybe she is- then again, I think you are dismissing too easily the difficulties she may have in travelling alone at her age. You think like a 40something, - but she is not. She may be in perfect health and great shape, and yet when you age, life gets a bit complicated, for everybody. I am younger than your MIl, at least I could not have a son in your husband's age range , and ,luckily, I am healthy , active and independent, and yet I can see that travelling alone now is definitely not as easy as when I was 20 or 30, and that it entails a myriad f little inconveniences and problems . I am not surprised at all that she wants to fly direct and wants to avoid the anxiety of maybe missing a connecting flight, and the possibility of getting lost in an airport she does not now, and the hassle of claiming baggage , and having to board twice etc.etc.- if she can skip that by sleeping a night in her SON's house. I am not surprised that she dislikes the idea of carrying her luggage even on rollers- I have just a hint of periarthritis in my right shoulder, and I can't for instance, go grocery shopping with a trolley , because the action of PULLING something heavy is more bothersome, if not downright painful, than LIFTING the same weight. And stairs ? You don't climb stairs without even thinking about it when you are in your 70's or even 60's- because slowly your ligaments gets weaker and ankles wobblier ( yours too, OP, you'll see, it starts right with menaopause and for overweight people even sooner ) so, sure , you can still climb stairs if necessary- but the least necessary you can make it the happier you are.
Anyway, that's not really the point too, maybe this lady has physical ailments , or maybe she is just a bit lazy . But so what - she is his mom. I don't see what's the big deal in asking , and expecting help from a family member- if it is a special occurrence , or an emergency, not a lifestyle of course. That's ALSO what familes are for : helping each other. And no, I don't even think it's a scandal that she did not offer to pay his gas. Again , unless she is a confirmed and conclaimed moocher who seizes any chance to scrounge off her children. Otherwise- family do not operate as you'd like , in general. It's not so tit-for-tat , your sister makes you coffee, you give her the price of a cuppa at Starbucks, your brother makes you dinner, you pay him the equivalent a restaurant cheque
Your MIL got a free ride this time - ok, maybe she will pay back some other time under some other guise form or shape, like a " better " X mas gift than he expected . Or maybe she won't , she won't deem it necessary. As long as your husband does not deem it necessary either, and / or in fact he is glad of being able to do something nice for his mom, I too don't see what's the problem.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2016): I do feel you are being unfair and inconsiderate. Your attitude would be a deal breaker for me and I would leave you. Your husband obviously wants to do it for HIS mother. I agree with everything Xearo has said. You and your husband have different ideas, try to be more tolerant and understanding she did raise him.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 October 2016):
I can see how she is not the most convenient person in the world but at the end of the day, she is a mother first and your mother in law second.
I do not know this lady, but she did raise her son. And her son I think has a good heart if he goes a lot out of the way to do so much for her. But it is not really a big deal in some driving. Her son seems like he wants to do it anyway.
In many families, the son/daughter repay their parents by taking care of their aging parents. Perhaps this is his way of repaying. Most likely he does not see the driving and petrol money as a big deal. I also do not see the big deal in that. I do not understand why you are upset and I do not understand what she is done wrong. You haven't mentioned anything she has done wrong. Your partner choose to be her ride. He is a big boy, surely he can make those decisions as well.
I think maybe you do not share the same mind set as him. Which is not a reason for you to impose on his wishes. I also do not see how preventing her from coming to your place makes this situation better, you are only creating more problems. You might be over reacting for generally nothing, and for some deeper reason you do not want to admit.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 October 2016):
 Ooh, your poor husband, caught in the middle of his wife and his mother. He is the one who has the largest amount of my sympathy.
I do, however, feel your pain and annoyance, and know, in your shoes, I would feel exactly the same. However, your husband (for whatever reason) feels he needs to run around after her. (I assume she is on her own as there is no mention of FIL?)
All family dynamics are different. What is expected and taken for granted in one family may seem totally alien and unacceptable to another. Maybe this sort of fetching & carrying is "normal" in your husband's family, though not in yours? Maybe she just assumes her behaviour and demands are "normal" and doesn't realize you see her as a user? After all, your husband is her son, she has presumably run around after him enough in her life, so maybe now that she is older she is just expecting a bit in return?
Are you short of money? If so, then it would be quite fair to ask her for at least a contribution towards petrol when your husband is having to drive such a long way. The trip to the hairdressers' sounds totally ridiculous and should have been sorted over the phone by some other method.
Why does your husband run around after her so much? Is he trying to make up for his father not being there? What is your MIL's financial situation? As she can afford holidays, I am assuming she has enough money to pay for petrol as well?
I don't think you can hold your breath and wait for your MIL to offer to pay, as it seems she has come to expect that her son will run around after her. If this upsets you so much, he needs to have a conversation with her and say something along the lines of "Look mum, you know I don't begrudge driving you places, but some of these trips are rather long and cost me a lot in fuel. Could you contribute a little to the cost?"
Don't let this matter come between you and your husband. She will always be his mother and he would not be the lovely man he is if he didn't feel protective towards her.
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