A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is probably an obvious answer but I still feel confused about the situation. A little over a year ago I was chatting with a girl on an online dating site. She seemed very lovely, is a psychologist, pretty, nice, funny. We messaged back and forth several times, and exchanged numbers and everything seemed to be going great. I asked her on a date and we had everything set up when about 2 days before we were going to meet, she texted me and said she had a weird turn of events in her life, ran into her ex and got back together so she could not meet me. I was disappointed but said I understood and wished her luck. A couple months after this she texted me and said her current relationship was not going well, her partner was being very controlling and demanding, blaming her for random things and she was very unhappy. She made it sound like she had feelings for me and wanted to see what would have happened had we met. I told her that her boyfriend sounded like a jerk and she should break up with him as she didn't deserve that. She said she knew but obviously kept giving him chances and wouldn't leave the situation for whatever reason. We have been texting on and off over the past year either about her relationship or just other aspects of our lives. I suggested meeting as friends but she claims her boyfriend wouldn't allow that, he would be very upset if she met me because she had told him about us chatting on the dating site and she can never talk to me outside of texting. I don't know if I'm being jerked around or if she is in a really abusive situation. I know she is an adult.. and a psychologist at that who should be able to make her own decisions but she kind of sounds like a push over and keeps putting up with his crap, in the meantime texting me about her life. We happened to run into each other randomly at a restaurant a couple months back and even though she was with her boyfriend there, she met me outside of the bathroom and we talked for a few minutes and hugged. She stated afterwards that she was very attracted to me and thinks about me a lot but she doesn't know what is going on in her life. She said he is moving away in a month for some internship and suggested we could possibly meet then (away from his controlling grasp). I guess I don't know if this is something I should pursue or just let it go. I feel like sometimes we won't talk for a couple months and then I'll just randomly hear from her saying hi or something. Then the feelings start all over.Is this worth it or am I being an idiot?
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male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (12 July 2014):
 ive done internet dating for a while now - had this type of situation a few times. Move on. Its all bullshit you being given. Basically she is telling you just what you want to hear to keep you stroking her ego from a safe distance.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 July 2014):
 To me the ONLY way to evaluate a person is to look into thier eyes and hear thier voice. Ergo, Any decisions mad via email,text, or FB are valueless.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2014):
 I have to agree with Auntie Cindy (as per usual)
I wouldn't call you an idiot either, but.. you need to wake up and smell the coffee.. She IS stringing you along just in case her BF ditches her or wants another "break". And who she is and the fantasy of who YOU think she is doesn't match up at all.
I absolutely agree with that too, like Cindy put it, a psychologist stuck in a codependent, dysfunctional relationship is NOT a great catch. And I think, it CAN be her believing her either doesn't deserve better than the BF or that she can "change" him that keeps her IN that relationship.
She calls you because it's not going so good. WHAT she SHOULD have done was dump him, but she doesn't. SHE gets something out of their relationship.
And meeting up while he is away would be a BAD BAD move. Because you two met up and you might think it means you have a shot with her, but honestly, it's just her having a "fantasy vacation" from her "horrible" BF. She wants you to "play" her knight in shining armor, but only while the BF is away.... THAT is RATHER messed up, don't you think?
I would honestly, tell her GOOD luck and then BLOCK her, on the phone, on the dating site, on Facebook, everywhere you have had contact with her.
Don't YOU think you deserve more then to be USED as a stand in? And definitely more then a stand in for SUCH a crappy guy (as she describes her BF to be).
SHE has made a CHOICE to go back to him, to BE with him. HE didn't MAKE that choice FOR her. SHE did.
EVen if she dumps the BF, I'd stay clear of her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2014): It sounds like she just wants to be wanted. She wants a shoulder to cry on, someone who isn't in her circle of friends who can call her on her part in the screwed up relationship. I mean: she knows you only have HER story so you CAN'T call her on her crap. A person who stays in an abusive relationship is like a person who has a sensitivity to gluten but keeps eating donuts and complains about all their digestive problems. They're thinking only, "But I LIKE DONUTS THEY'RE GOOD! I just wish I would stop getting sick." There's something in that relationship that she is holding onto, maybe in order to completely leave him (and you have to), she'll have to stop hanging with mutual friends too or move or get another job or anything. She isn't miserable enough to make those sacrifices. She feels entitled to have whatever it is in that relationship that she does like. Just like that person with the gluten sensitivity who feels entitled to eat donuts.She may like you and wish she can leave him and wants to be your friend and be pursued by you but what happens if she does leave him and all the things that would cause her to run into him? She'll need time to find herself and to rebuild new friendships, a new place of work, a new apartment etc. That will NOT be a time to get into a relationship (He probably got her to take him back because he found out she was pursuing you and he didn't like that). I had a friend who would spend nearly a year in a relationship, trying to get out the whole time because she'd never wanted it. She'd finally break up (after having made a LOT of enemies) and immediately start talking to and flirting with and messing around with other men and wonder how she ended up in a relationship like that again. My friend liked the attention and being chased. She did not like it when she was caught because it meant the control was no longer completely in her own hands! Yes, those men were abusive control freaks, but they also kind of had to be because she had such a wild streak and if she approached THEM that quickly and easily, they knew she'd go after someone else too. (and she did).That's what your friend sounds like: someone who wants attention and affection and compassion that she isn't getting anymore. After she gets back with the guy, he'll start to give her all that and then, well, the game isn't in her control anymore so he'll go back to being an asshole to punish her (and abusive as he is, what's she doing talking to men? It's no wonder he wants to control her!) She's using you as a sounding board and probably likes the IDEA of you but you know she can't really have you.Had she stayed away from him, she probably could have dated you but that would have ruined her fun - now you'd meet her friends and you'd get to see the OTHER side of the coin. This way, she can get the benefits (a shoulder to cry on, someone who wants her sexually etc) without actually having to do any work herself. She gets those benefits without you having the complete picture because she's keeping you at a distance. I bet she does that to all her friends too, goes out of her way to compartmentalize her life so no one is any the wiser on the real deal.Sorry, but that's what it sounds like to me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 July 2014):
 Maybe the second one ? hey I did not call you an idiot, you did ....
Well, actually is not about idiocy, it's about expectations - the root of all evils :).
It sounds to me like, deep down, you are sort of hovering around her just in case she would slip through the thick mesh of her relationships, and fall down... so you'd be there to catch her , and be rewarded of your loyalty . But - real life princesses aren't like in fairy tales, they can be somewhat of a b...h , and the knight in shining armour gets his ass kicked , because the princess , freed from the ogre, rather than rewarding the knight,... chooses to run away with another sexy ogre . Who's an ogre but he had not been friendzoned.
I think this girl either just wants a friend and a shoulder to cry on, which is nice of you to offer, but futile and unwise because you do not want her just as a frend, you like her romanticaly and sexually.
Or, in her mind, she made you her official - and you can bet, temporary - plan B if push comes to shove and her current relationships definitely unravels. Even psychologists get the blues :), and there are lots of women who just WON'T stay single if they have a whatever chance of not being single. Until they can locate the " real thing ".
In short, she sounds self serving- but I do not blame her much, because you are actively enabling her. Like, she turns to you ,basically, only when she is in need of comfort and support in reference to her bad relationship ? And you- who have a sexual, romantic interest in her- rather than telling her : Sorry honey, that's stuff fr your shrink :) - come back to me when you are ready to talk about US, about ME - ....instead play the patient, understanding , loyal " friend " ( the one who always get the shaft ). I am sure that you already have all the friends you need, and that if you wanted just friends to go out and shoot the breeze with, you would go make them among people you don't have a crush on.
I think you have to learn a bit of healthy " what's in it for me ". You should start asking yourself " what do I want , not " what does she want ". So she has a bad relationship, cry me a river. She can either stay in her bad relationship and stop buggering you, or leave the bad relationship and come with you on a date and see what happens - IF in the meantime you haven't changed your mind, because I do hope you won't be waiting other YEARS for her to make her mind up.
I 'd be tempted to add that , superficially , she does not sound such a great catch anyway, I mean, I know that the cobbler is badly shod and the tailor has holes in his clothes, but... a psychologist stuck in a codependent, dysfunctonal relationship ? ... What did she study for then - that would be like a lung cancer specialist smoking two packages a day- it makes you wonder. Ok human nature is frail, but when you put yourself in certain roles and positions, you MUST be able to handle the responsibilities which come with them. Otherwise you are just a flake.
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