A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:With a track record of attracting and dating emotionally unavailable men, I've been working on trying to be more open and emotionally available myself, and dating more men, basically accepting most dates from men who ask online. I've been on two dates with a man who is, on paper, a great catch. He is educated, works for himself, has a variety of interests, is very kind hearted and friendly, and attractive. However, one thing I noticed about him is that he seems quite insecure and anxious, in general, and he also talks A LOT. I'm more even-keel and I enjoy talking, but I tend not to just chatter away. After I met him the first time, I wasn't terribly attracted. I didn't feel much of anything toward him whatsoever.The big issue, however, is that he is coming on REALLY strong. Before AND since the first date, he's been texting me multiple times a day. He texts first thing in the morning and periodically throughout the day, which, if I knew him better, probably wouldn't bother me as much, but it seems bizarre, not really knowing him and being at that comfort level. He'll send me slews of random texts and images each time. Also, he told me several things that seemed like red flags:1) After date #1 he told his mother about me (and he says that he never tells his mother about his dates)2) After date #1, he suggested that he wanted me to meet all of his friends.3) After date #1, he tried to make date #2 right away because, he said, "people lose interest quickly."4) He told me on date #2 that he was getting tickets to a wine tasting for us in November (it's only the beginning of Oct....).5) He uses a lot of "we should do this" kind of statements.6) After date #2, he asked me if I thought that there was chemistry. I told him that I didn't know yet, that he was nice and that I enjoyed talking with him, but it was too early to tell. 7) He tries to find any excuse to text me. For example, we'd discussed the heat wave in Los Angeles on date #2, and I told him that I'd contemplated getting an a/c unit, but that I couldn't justify buying one just to use for a few days a year. He texted me the next day with, "I saw an A/C unit and thought of you."8) He incessantly asks my opinions about my ideal man and what I want. 9) He basically insinuates that he wants to hang out every day.I do think that, maybe, if I was somehow really smitten, some of this wouldn't be quite so annoying to me, but, as I haven't made up my mind about him, I find it off-putting. I feel really uncomfortable and smothered, before I've had a chance to decide whether or not I like him.My mother thinks that it's "kind of sweet" that he's putting so much effort into this. Why don't I think so?I know that women can be really fickle this way, in that they say that they want a guy who is attentive and really into them, but, when a guy does shower a woman with attention, she often is turned off. I feel like there's a happy medium between being a total "ghost guy" and smothering a woman. As in, one text per day, and maybe a phone call in the middle of the week, would be fine. One date per week, when just starting out is fine too. Am I being too persnickety? Should I see this man again?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 October 2014):
 He hasn't crossed the line to actual dangerous stuff, so if you're inclined, meet him for coffee or dinner and tell you want to slow down, and that his behavior (explain instances) is coming on too strong for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the validation! I don't want to discourage a man who is "into me", or try to control the way that I am courted (I have a problem with that), so it's hard to trust my gut with this. I'm glad that others think it's "too much, too soon" as well. He's an otherwise great guy, but I'm guessing what he means by people "losing interest" is that they get creeped out by his coming on too strong.
Should I tell him that I thought he came on too strong (help the poor guy out), or should I just break it off and leave it be?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 A; 'persnickety is the wrong term, B; no, being choosey is not wrong he sounds icky to me!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2014):
 I think he is trying WAY to hard to "make it happen". Now I do think it's nice that he is showing that much interest, but I would be a little creeped out.
If you don't feel like talking to him as much as possible and going for a second date, then your GUT is trying to tell you this is not the guy for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 October 2014):
YIKES!!! Uhh, no I wouldn't date this guy again.
Those are scary red flags, not "sweet" or "cute". At BEST he's needy and clingy and desperate. I said "AT BEST", because AT WORST, he's dangerous stalker material.
He never tells his mom about girls? BS to that! Also, moving way too fast is not a good sign. People saying they love you too fast, planning your next 3 dates after date 1 (there's nothing wrong with planning a date 2 under certain circumstances, like date 1 has a natural date 2 attached to it, like if the subject comes up for a concert for an artist you both absolutely are crazy for), but telling someone you're buying tickets for a month ahead of time? Not good at all.
The one guy I dated who acted like this turned out to be a very scary stalker. He had all the earmarks of what you're describing, and all of that neediness and clinginess and constant reassurance need accompanied hyper-jealousy, calling all the time (this was before texting!), visiting my home and work unannounced to do seemingly-sweet things...I lasted a month and a half before ending it with him, and I wanted to end it weeks before that.
Never override your gut feelings. I did, and the next year and a half was terrifying. Your mom's not quite getting it, but you're not being persnickety.
Put him out of his misery before date #3. You're not a couple, so maybe a call to him to say "Hey, you're a great guy, but I think my heart is going in another direction" letdown may be in order. Otherwise, the more dates you go on, the harder it's going to be.
Otherwise, if you think you want to hang in there, you'll have to be stern about his behavior. Tell him exactly how you feel. Like I said - AT BEST, it could be social awkwardness, neediness or desperation.
There's another thing though...you're 30-35 years old. If he's close to your age or older, then that's an even BIGGER red flag. Never telling his mom about dates at that age?? Come on. There are mental issues there at that age and acting like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): Maybe not. Especially, when he shows you red flags this early in the relationship, consider it a blessing that you did not go further with him. Finding the right guy can take patience and craft. Figure out: what's in you that you attract these type of guys? Try revamping what you say, how you say it, and what you value from a guy. Remember Bella fell in love with a beast for what they had in common, not what he could do for her, and it lasted forever.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 If I were you, I would be blunt and tell him he talks too much and that he should relax because you are more able to observe a person in silence.
I had a date like that, asking questions all the time. I just said to him, "I am just enjoying the scenery." Not to scare you, but that guy was actually suffering from anxiety disorder. The relationship ended after 3 months because I could not stand his negativity anymore. So this guy you are seeing could be hiding beneath a cloak of competency while suffering deep in silence.
I understand not wanting to see him again. Because on the second date you feel worse rejecting him when on the first date you had doubts already.
I think you should go on dates with other men. I know you had been with emotionally unavailable men but don't go a 360 degree change and date someone totally opposite. He could just screw with your mind as bad, but in a different way. So basically screw him. Sorry. My rule is that if you didn't feel like kissing him the first date then he's history. I think his tactic of bombarding you was a result of being rejected too many times after a first date, and he didn't learn a lesson to just shut up a bit.
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