A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:To make a long story short... I met my boyfriend almost four years ago. We dated, life got in the way, broke it off, remained best friends the next two years, he was there through it all- good, bad, you name it. We recently got back together. We ended up confessing to each other how much we still loved one another and here we are now.Now to the problem... Our relationship is great, with a few exceptions. We've always had great chemistry and we truly care for one another very much. However... lately I don't know what's going on.He's the type of guy who's always hugging their girl friends (not girlfriend, girls that are friends), being very sweet, etc. and I'm not a jealous person. I understand guys need their space and time with friends, I'm okay with that- I always tell him to go ahead and have fun and I can have him to myself some other time. But sometimes the things he does make me feel uncomfortable, and sometimes I find them even disrespectful.A few examples...We were out with a group of friends celebrating a birthday, we were all eating cake, laughing, having a good time, and he leaves me to sit with another girl and starts feeding her from his plate. They're good friends- okay, I understand that- but I'm his girlfriend and I find that disrespectful- I felt very uncomfortable. That's not the only time something like that has happened, but we'll leave it at that.We have mutual friends and had a huge sleepover not that long ago, and when it was time to go to bed, I left with the girls to one room, and he went with the guys. If I hadn't of said goodnight, I don't know if he would of. No hug, no kiss goodnight- nothing. Sometimes he acts indifferent towards me and I don't know why.Today he had a soccer tournament, and the game finished at 9- I couldn't go see him because I had church and he understands because we go to the same church together. He told me he'd call after the game to tell me how it went, but nothing. I understand that he's probably really tired and tonight is probably not the best night to go into a long conversation, but a quick call to say goodnight and how the game went would be nice. Would you say I'm being too needy? That actually happens very often- he tells me he'll call at one time and I'm left waiting.He's always telling me how much he loves me and how he's scared to lose me again, and honestly I do want this to work out but sometimes the things he does make me believe otherwise. I did try talking to him about this because I think trust and communication are the biggest things in a relationship, but it really didn't help much, not a lot has changed. When I told him we had to sit down and talk, he got really nervous and told me he felt scared because he thought I was sitting him down to break up with him, but when I told him that I just wanted to set some things straight, he kind of blew it off like it wasn't a big deal. What should I do if I want us to work out?And it's not as simple as "go back to being friends" because I do believe we truly love each other as more than just friends, so what should I do?
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (5 November 2009):
No, I don't think that you're being too needy. He needs to take you seriously; otherwise, how can you take this relationship seriously? If you two are around the same age, remember that guys mature a lot slower than girls. So his behavior is quite immature and it seems like he's either just disrespectful because he's an immature idiot or he's trying to test your boundaries. So what I'm getting at is that even if you two love one another, sometimes the relationship may not be the best timing, in other words, he has some growing up to do.
The only way you can maybe "scare" him is to play games, which I don't really like. They can be either effective or detrimental to a relationship. Either way it's somewhat manipulative and it's up to you if you don't want to do that. However, it goes a little something like this: if he calls you tomorrow, don't take his call. Wait for him to call you a couple/few times, when you finally pick up you keep the convo short, tell him you'll call him back; then don't call him back. Basically it's mind games, usually it involves you trying to have the upperhand and getting him to chase you around like a lost puppy. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and usually only works temporarily. That's the only advice I can give since you don't feel like breaking up with him (which is probably what will inevitably happen) and he's not listening to you. Good luck :)
A
female
reader, FireAndIce  +, writes (5 November 2009):
You're not being needy, not even close. Infact you sound like a really level-headed girl.
I was in a similar situation...the guy that I was/am with, he's a very friendly person, always hugging chicks, but when he gets drunk it gets a bit out of hand.
I'm not someone to cause a scene or get jealous and start a screaming match, but there were times when I felt really stupid because we also had lots of mutual friends, and he'd be off twirling some friend of his in the air. I was not impressed. I'm all for my guy spending time with his friends, irregardless of whether they're guys or girls. But there are lines he shouldn't cross, behaviours that are not appropriate.
I agree with you, it's disrespectful and inappropriate for him to be feeding some friend of his cake off his plate. And it's embarrassing for you.
It doesn't matter if he's always telling you that he loves you. Words are cheap. It's his actions that demonstrate his feelings. And to me it sounds as though he's dropping the ball. He's just not making the effort. And that tells me that, even though he may love you, he's gotten to a point where he's taking it for granted that you're not going anywhere, you're HIS now, so he doesn't have to work at it anymore.
That's not a relationship, at least not the kind that a woman wants.
Sit him down again...MAKE him see you're being serious. He needs to feel the fear of what it could be like to lose you.
Don't prolong this and sweep things under the rug, it doesn't make it any better. He has to be made to see that his behaviour is hurting you.
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