A
male
age
36-40,
*nadin
writes:hi dearcupids, me again lol :(i just want a bit of re-assurance that im doing the right thing.- me and my ex are trying to be friends, she initiated the breakup with a modified LBJF talk...so i tried to convince her that inst what i want, but in the end i caved and tried to carry on talking to her as a friend.recently, just before the breakup and after, she refers to people she's seeing as "friends", eg; "im just going out to see a friend" when i ask her about the evening she takes that as insecurity and tells me that shell tell me in her own time, in the meantime she tells me that we always have nothing to talk about. when the information about her time out the other night with "just a friend" comes out, its normally to her mum while im in the room, this time its her ex bf "gaga" im obviously feeling lied to through omission, but try not to make a fuss about it, i felt more upset that she blew me off to see him, when she just gave me the line "im seeing a friend" i thought nothing of it..this was going on during the time she was making a decision, and she told me that her ex "gaga" thought we should remain friends (me and her)now im feeling very insecure about this, her exes have more standing than me, not good. but i try my hardest to develop as a person and show her how good i am, running through hoops she sets up for me, she still tries to. today i go onto her facebook, just to see what shes up to, as a bit of a ceonversation starter, because as i say, im trying my hardest to treat her as a friend with the hopes of getting back together again. and find that one of my major insecurities is back - "googoo"he often said she was cheating on me with him, and i know he likes to wind people up so that was part of my insecurity, i asked lots of questions about him and asked her to stop him bullying me (i didnt tel her that he told me she was alegedly cheating) but i beleived her when she said nothing was going on after a round of questions :/ she didnt understand why i felt so insecure. anyway, he vandalised my car, so i tried to leave her - the reason - him. she told me i was being just as bad as him if i was to leave...didnt make sense, but i stayed with a bit of resentment that i should be dragged through this. anyway, with her saying that shes out seeing "a friend" and then her adding her ex "googoo" as a friend on facebook again made my blood boil and i told her i didnt want her making the effort to talk to me anymore, i wanted to keep channels open, facebook, text, etc, but i contact her when im ready to not her. she fought back asking me why i was being this wayi told her because i still feel like her bf, and if shes truely convinced we are better off as friends, then i shouldnt be feeling insecure, upset at her when she adds the things that caused alot of emotional agony and still acts in a way that wouldnt warrant a friend to feel threatened or insecure. i told her everything that i felt was wrong, she fought back telling me that im wrong for feeling that she is self centred and that im the one that mentions everyone under the sun that i talk to, she would ring me after work and talk like adults. - that, to me was condescending. i told her that i mention everyones name instead of "a friend" "a girl" or any variant of the obscure because i would want the same back. i told her the way i feel and shes trying to defy me. so i told her that she lacks respect anf that if she feels shes right, ignore what iv said and walk away, n give me time to prune her from my heart. and as the hurt party i wish to keep contact to a minimum, and that i would come back to her as a friend when i feel i can just be a friend. am i doing the right thing? whats the next course of action- "this is my tennis court, and im the umpire" - anadin 25th/10/10regards
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male
reader, Anadin +, writes (26 October 2010):
Anadin is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you again tisha-1,
I fergot to say...she is a middle child with 2 sisters, not that it matters anymore, after the rant and the promise of being quiet n waiting for me to contact her, she sends a text in the middle of a date saying 'you have destroyed any chances of getting back with me by saying all those things and behaving so poorly towards me, your lucky im still waiting to talk to you' goodness, talk about trying to twist the dagger further...all because i said what i feel and that it warrants space. She accidentaly agreed with me on the phone lol. Im laughing at how childish she actually is and i dont care anymore lol
I showed my ladyfriend the texts and she dosent think i was being unreasonable...i was growing and using a spine lol
Anyway im glad for those articles, i accidentally started doing what they suggest...i write non sending letters when im angry, upset whatever, then burn them..iv also joined scouts as an assistant leader :)
Thank you for your support in this matter tisha x
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-get-over-my-ex-girlfriend.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
If you haven't read these, I really recommend them. I think they are very useful practical guides to getting over the ex.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 October 2010):
If she can't text at work then why did she text you in the first place?
She is a drama queen and you are a supporting player. You are refusing to do the script properly and are annoying her.
She can dictate 'minimal contact' but you can dictate your own level of contact. As a four year old might say, she is not the boss of you.
She'll have to nurse her own hurt feelings, as you have to nurse yours. You are not responsible for making her feel better. She has to do that all by herself.
Is she an only child then? Used to getting her own way and unable to cope with being thwarted? Hm. Perhaps it's best you aren't with her. Those kinds of people can be complete energy vampires and suck you dry. A lucky escape!
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (25 October 2010):
Anadin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe is 23, and 3 weeks approximatly.
Minimal contact is something she uses on her exes when they annoy her, she tells them she dosent want to hear from them but keeps them on ms and her facebook etc, so comminication channels are open still, but she ignores them.
She made me feel so guilty for wanting this, she told me that i hurt her by the way i texted her when she cannot defend herself because she cant text at work. I told her the very reasons for not wanting contact and that she made so much effort to be with me and that im the bastard for painting her in a bad light, i just told her how i felt...well im glad that shes so pissed off that she wants no contact with me, she compared my words with her ex cheating...huh???
Anyway thank you tisha xxx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 October 2010):
And how old is this girl, out of curiousity? Does she have any brothers or sisters?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 October 2010):
What a drama queen. Good grief. So at least you're now on minimal contact. I'm a bit confused though, what does that mean, exactly?
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (25 October 2010):
Anadin is verified as being by the original poster of the questioniv given in to her request for a phone chat before minimal contact...she says shes upset etc blah blah blas, have the balles to tell her that i want no contact in person blah blah...i really am feeling apathetic towards her now.
as soon as i sent that message, she text me a few times asking to call and that it was really important..i said no unless its going to be about getting back together, otherwise i dont want to talk...its my time to heal.
she starts phoning work, crying. she asks for me to listen, i said no and hung up, she calls work again, i pick up and hangup..i text her im busy, stop calling..she carries on calling...my boss is getting wound up because its holding up the phone lines. so i agreed to let her have 10 minutes to say what she has to say and then we go minimal contact... i was forced to give in this time :/
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (25 October 2010):
Anadin is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni will do exactly that :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 October 2010):
Stop giving her so much of your feelings! She doesn't need to know what you are thinking and in fact isn't entitled to know anymore, as she has chosen not to be your girlfriend any more.
So, my reply to that last text. "Unless you are going to say we are back together as a couple, I'll pass on the chat. Thanks. I'll contact you when I'm ready." And then IGNORE her. You have my permission.
And honestly, it all sounds very dramatic, I probably wouldn't get back together with her until you had some time and distance and most importantly, PERSPECTIVE on this. You are WAY overthinking things. Who cares what she's thinking? It has no impact or bearing on you right now. Spending any more time analyzing her is a waste of your brainpower and energy, okay?
Just cool off away from her and hang out with good friends who love and care about you for now!
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A
male
reader, Anadin +, writes (25 October 2010):
Anadin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you tisha-1
i will use my backbone, as hard as it is, she has just text me saying "im not the only one holding things back n no i havent got a bf or slept with anyone else, i think we should have a chat x"
im going to struggle to say no, but what if she does want to get back together? is she buttering me up to keep me around or is this a manipulative tactic? argh she confuses me... that darn text is so ambiguous it could be anything!
im going to stick to my guns, which is how this argument came about in the first place...i realised i cannot keep her as a friend while i feel so strongly about her and told her i dont want to talk to her anymore if she just wants me as a friend.
as much as i want her back she wont do anything to help my secuirty, or my feeling like a doormat or anything like that, once the trust if gone and for that long, i doubt it would be easy to re-build. she dosent appretiate me and wants me for one thing. its hard to convince my heart of that but i must for my own sake.
im trying to figure out a reply to shoot her out of the sky with her ambiguous text. i want her back, but i want her to change to show me that she will not dis-respect me anymore. iv put my foot in it a bit by replying "i will cave just this once and let you ring after work" ..im thinking a followup reply would be along the lines of
"i dont want this phone call to be you giving me an earbashing for being so flamboyant with my feelings when you requested that i tell you, if you want to get back together with me great, but i sill need time to heal from my hurts. you cannot just jump back into a relationship with me because i feel too insecure and this breakup has been too mashed up and confusing for me, you did the duming, so you do the work."
or would a no just be better :/ im too softly softly
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 October 2010):
Perhaps you and your ex can be friends at some point in the future, but right now, it sounds as though the situation is too murky and unsettling to you. You react with fear and anger at her obscure references to going out with "a friend" and she seems to be keeping you around to make herself feel less guilty about breaking your heart.
Stop arguing the question about what the best way to manage the initial stages of the break up should be. It isn't a bilateral decision, she doesn't need to agree. Just take the steps you need to take to prune her out of your life so your heart has time to heal.
Stop having conversations, discussions, meetings, ANYTHING with her for right now. Don't negotiate the terms of the break up, YOU set the limits. So what if she argues? She doesn't have a stand with you right now, she is NOT your girlfriend. A "friend" doesn't push herself on you when she is not wanted, so why are you letting her behave in this way?
YOU are in charge of your own life. YOU are the one who can set the parameters for the "relationship." YOU have to stop allowing her to determine how things go, as she clearly doesn't think of your a boyfriend anymore. You're more of a doormat, I think. Someone she keeps around because she knows if she snaps her fingers, you will be her boyfriend again in an instant.
Here, I'm handing you a backbone. Place it in your spine and USE IT! Say "NO!" Say "this isn't working for me!" Say "I'll get back to you when I'M READY and not one minute before."
Good luck.
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