A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I consider myself some who isn't dependant on having a relationship, but rather someone who is happier in a relationship. My ex girlfriend of 6 months is much the same as me, however, unlike me, she got involved in a new relationship just weeks after we split.People are telling me I should feel better for not doing what she did and getting involved with the first person to show me interest, but the truth is I probably would have if the opportunity had arisen. Worse still, I know that my ex won't be bothered by the fact that she is somewhat relationship dependant because she is in a relationship and is happy! Either way I look at this I feel like I'm a loser. Am I being too hard on myself? What can I do to accept this situation I'm in? I hate it!
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (20 August 2011):
 I think that is exactly the right attitude to have, although it will be hard sometimes, I am sure you will get through. Good luck :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right, MRG. That's the attitude I try to maintain, the que sera sera attitude. I just find it hard to hold on to sometimes. If I'm having a bad/stressful day, that's whenever my ex pops in to my head and everything that goes with that - she's gone, with someone else, I'm alone, etc. All I can do is try to stay positive, look at how far I've come in the past few months and hope that the universe will find the right place for me.
Thank you for your support, AngelDlite. Sound advice as well actually, I took some of those steps a few months after the break up occurred. I never contact her (unless she contacts me in which case I'm happy to be civil, but I don't talk too deeply about what's going on in my life and I don't rush to ask what's happening in hers)(I should stress that contact is minimal), I have blocked her on facebook so there's no chance of seeing her popping up on there anymore, and since I have moved away there is no way that I am able to go to places where she hangs out. I plan to return to see some friends for a few days in the near future, but I hope not to bump in to her when I do. Seeing her will not bring me joy, if anything it will just knock me backwards. I wish it didn't have to be that way. I really wish I was stronger!
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 August 2011):
 your not a loser. so you haven't managed to get someone new and she has? its not a competition. she is your ex. its not your problem or your business to think about what she is doing now. some people ARE relationship dependent you're right and they will compromise on their standards, morals, happiness, self worth in order to fit themselves into that relationship.
you are not desperately chasing a relationship, why feel bad? it'll happen. one day you won't even be interested in what your ex is doing. if it bothers you to know what she is doing and who she is ...
cut contact with her, no ringing, texting, messaging
remove her from your facebook/or similar friends list (if applicable) or at least never look at her page
avoid the places you know she hangs out
if any mutual friends try to engage you in gossip about her, tell them politely you don't want to talk about or listen about her
...............................
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (19 August 2011):
I dont think its cowardly at all, its natural to a large degree. I think the trick then is to simply say 'what will be, will be' and see how it goes but you need to adopt that attitude to any new relationship as well, I tend to find, no matter what we want, the universe tends to end up placing us exactly where it wants us. Maybe now its your time to be single for a little, but have the confidence that you wont be for ever and there will be somebody new for you.
If your naturally hard on yourself, it could be a question of upbringing and/or self esteem. Yes the off days will stop and if you dont believe that, all you have to do is look at the progress you have made already to see that it can be done. I think we all have days where we reminisce over what might have been, but they fade in time....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess you're right. I don't know why I find it so natural to be hard on myself.
I guess I'm the kind of guy who never likes to rule out anything. I have loved and lost before, but I have never ruled out anything happening again in the future, though it is certainly not something I expect. She is no exception to this. I don't see us getting back together again, but life is funny. You never know what might happen. For now my focus is moving on. Maybe it is cowardly not to rule it out entirely. I always think it's a shame to let go of something completely, even if it is an essential action to take... I don't know.
I'm hoping that with more time it will get easier. I've come a long way since the split and I feel like I'm very much back on my feet, I just have off-days and that's what needs to stop. I'm sure they will in time, but I'm an impatient person at times, especially when it comes to stuff like this!
...............................
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (18 August 2011):
In that case I would say largely yes it's a question of time and being a bit less hard on yourself. Asking how long it takes to recover from what obviously was a painful break-up is a bit like asking how long is a piece of string, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer. What is right for you wont be right for somebody else and vice versa, so I think you need to cut yourself some slack here, there is no reason to be beating down on yourself like you are.
You were given a fair amount of closure but she did leave a sliver of hope in your heart and thats what is killing you to be honest. If she is with somebody else, while I am sure you remain special to her, its pretty obvious to me she has ruled out anything happening in the future, at least she should have, else she should not be with somebody else.In that sense it wasnt an entirely clean break. You have to let go of that hope to start the healing process because until you do this would will continue to fester; right now what is killing you, is that hope and hard, and painful though it is, you have to accept the time in your life you spent with her is over for good.
Once you have done that, its just a case of giving it time, focusing on yourself and letting nature take its course. Good luck :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo how do you think I can get out of it? Is it just a question of time? I've was given closure, enough that would satisfy most people I would say -
She told me that she didn't want to lose me, but that she couldn't ask me to alter her life for her. At the time of the break up she said that she hoped we could be together again sometime and apologised that we couldn't at this time (I accept that this was very well a natural reaction to a break up of this calibre. She probably thinks differently about it now, but I don't know for sure and it isn't an appropriate question to ask after so much time has passed. The last time I saw her was a few days before I was due to leave town. We'd been to see a show, I'd booked tickets for us months before we broke up. After the show we went back to hers and had a general chat. Conversation soon turned to the past, during which time she told me that I would always be special to her, and that her being in a new relationship would never change that.
So yeah, I'd say I've had plenty of closure. If I had it my way I would think about her a lot less than I do, or, I would feel less sad when I thought of her. That's what I want, and I know I'll get there in time. I just wish I could believe that what I'm STILL feeling is STILL something natural. I feel like a freak in a way. I feel like anybody else would have been over this months ago and would have someone new in their life by now.
What do you think? Thank you for your continued point of view
...............................
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (16 August 2011):
Well I think that explains something because you obviously still cared for her and the end was kind of imposed on you by outside circumstances. Your doubts about her honesty are understandable give the rapidity of her entrance into a new relationship but this maybe something that is also keeping you in this place.
It's not beyond the bounds of possibility that she had this guy 'lined-up' and was merely trying to spare your feelings but the end result is the same in any case. I think wondering whether she was honest is a big thing you keep coming back too for obvious reasons. I dont there is a quick fix for finding somebody new though other than going out there and seeing who you find.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe end was circumstancial. I finished university, so I had to move out of town and back home, while she was only in her first year. I don't believe it was something either of us wanted, but neither of us wanted a long distance relationship, and she did not want me to alter my life purely for the sake of staying with her.
I can only try and believe she was being honest with me. If she was being honest and our break up was circumstancial, then it is still hard to accept, especially considering how quickly she moved on. I just want to get over it as I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm ready for someone new now, I know it, but it seems so hard to find. I don't know what to do!
...............................
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (15 August 2011):
Your welcome :)
I wonder how did the relationship end? Is it possible that you have issue unresolved concerning that? Something seems to have you effected you badly about this relationship and maybe that is why your finding it so hard to move on?
Did your ex end the relationship or you, what happened?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your answer, I really appreciate it!
I can totally relate to you. I wish my ex all the best and want her to be happy, it's just that I want that for myself as well and I currently don't and it makes me feel lousy.
I wish I would stop beating me up, but I'm pretty relentless at that, it seems. I constantly get myself into a cycle, where I feel bad that she has moved on and I haven't, to wondering why I haven't found anyone, to being really hard on myself. It's horrible, and I really hate the way that my mind works and deals with these issues. Nobody else seems to struggle with this type of thing to the extent that I do and that makes me feel like I'm weak.
You're right though. I don't want to rush in to just anything. But the downside is that if I don't find something, anything soon, more time will pass and as it does I will feel more and more of a pathetic loser, and I don't want that. I need a boost and I'm fed up of waiting for it to happen. My ex didn't wait around and she's happy. Why shouldn't I be? WHY DO I STILL FEEL LIKE THIS?! WE BROKE UP NEARLY 7 MONTHS AGO NOW, WHY IS THIS STILL AFFECTING ME? :(
...............................
A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (12 August 2011):
The odds are what people are telling you is right, unless she was doing things behind your back, she's in a rebound relationship which is highly unlikely to last. Having said that, I feel your pain, because I am in a pretty similar boat. My ex has a a relationship and I dont. Its not so much that shes happy that is the problem however, I hope she is, more that they seem to move on so quick and with such ease which is a tad insulting to the relationship you just had.
Having said all that, you need to stop beating down on yourself.If you don't then you will be in danger of walking into a relationship that is not right for you which will rather pour salt onto the words. My advice to you is try to treasure the relationships you do have, friends, family etc, and in the meanwhile try not to worry what your ex is doing, this is not some kind of race, there are no 'winners' and 'losers. Do what is right for you and find the right person for you, but above all, take your time. Good luck :)
...............................
|
