A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend likes to get attention for other women. I do also believe he fantasizes. However, It was a situation where I invited him to my friends’ party on a bar during St. Patrick’s Day. We lined up for an hour and we interchange some words with a girl in front of us.Inside the bar, by friends friends were not the most fun or welcoming people to mingle. I was talking to the birthday person. Anyhow, My bf got bored and decided to get a “beer”. He decided to stop to get his beer where the girl we met was at. They were there for while…(I was feeling quite uncomfortable). She came to invite me to dance with her and my bf but I was with a group of people for a b-day party. She was a stranger to me after all. My boyfriend and she went dancing. ( I felt even more unconfortable). None of the others friends boyfriend were leaving their partner to meet other girls. At the same time I did not want to feel I am a control freak.After a good twenty minutes, I ask my girlfriends to go and dance. I felt good that my bf approached me. Less than an hour later, he told me that he is going for fresh air.. so he went to the patio… One more time, after twenty minutes I tried to go to the patio (due that it was so full- security did not let me in) but I saw him talking to another girl.Is this normal? Or I am a control freak? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 How good is your relationship with your boyfriend aside from this?
This sounds like a case of calling one partner out on behaviour you yourself have. I mean that none of you like that the other person speaks to someone of the opposite gender, yet you both keep doing it.
I think first step is to accept that talking to people of the opposite gender is perfectly normal, fine, and not a cause for concern. But somewhere along the lines contact with the opposite gender took the wrong turn and ended up meaning/including flirting. He doesn't see the difference between friendly conversation and a hook-up. And as a result, if you didn't already think this way prior to him, you also find it difficult to differentiate between casual conversation and flirting.
If the case is that you have normal casual conversation and contact with the opposite gender, then he blew it way out of proportions when you danced with another man. But, I am assuming this dancing was appropriate and NOT dirty dancing or grinding etc. But since he doesn't see the difference in casual conversation and flirting, any contact becomes suspect in his eyes.
This changes things, because this means that he could one minute converse casually, and the next be heavily flirting, simply because he doesn't give himself boundaries or see where the boundaries go.
This could indicate that he is.. well, someone who is not able to be loyal. Because he wont respect boundaries, or understand them. Being loyal goes further than just not sleeping with or kiss someone else. Being loyal also means to not pick up ladies at the bar, know within yourself where the boundaries go, and know what sort of contact is ok and not ok.
In a relationship it is crucial that you can trust your partner to monitor themselves and keep themselves within the boundaries of what you have agreed upon in your relationship. You and him define the rules and set the boundaries.. and I wonder if perhaps you haven't had this conversation. I think you'll have a hard time defining the boundaries when he doesn't see the difference between conversation and flirting. That's something you either know or don't know, sort of. Either he has the social intelligence to grasp it or he doesn't. If he doesn't know the difference then perhaps you need to give him firm rules such as: not allowed to accept or hand out phone numbers at bars etc. With any other grown up you'd not have to give out rules, as the boundaries are normally understood without the need for rules.
But yeah, if you are dealing with someone who doesn't have the social IQ to know the difference then you need to set down firmer rules I suppose. Or leave him and find a boyfriend who can monitor his own behaviour. But at first, try to tell him what exactly bothered you, and where exactly he crosses your lines. Maybe he'll get the picture eventually.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you both for your input.. AND Yes, as Windom mentioned.. there is something is his behaviour that makes me insecure. Just 2 days before this party, he went out with a male friend. However, I found out by a text message that he was accepting a phone number of a girl he was flirting with a bar.. This cause a bit problem among both. The problem was resolved but then next day..what I explained about my friends party.
Also,I am sure if I do the same he will be mad at me. Once I was dancing with my friend's husband at a party. My bf was there and he decided to left me (just because he got upset about the dancing episode).
I hope this provides a clearer picture of the relation ?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 April 2012):
I have to agree with Wisdom. It was your friends there, or your friends party anyway, even though your friend's friends weren't familiar to you. Your boyfriend knew no one, and I don't think him talking to this girl makes much of a difference to him talking to a girl in your friend's circle. They were bores, and he found someone more interesting to talk to that he had already had the chance to meet while you were all waiting in line.
Then again, if this happens all the time and he goes running after other women while with you then that's one thing. But if this is the one episode where this has happened, or if there were similar conditions for the other times, then I'd excuse it.
He's your boyfriend, not your accessory.. which means he doesn't have to sit by your side at all times, especially not when it is boring to him. Sure, he needs to be polite, but it doesn't sound like the friend's friends were polite or included him in conversation either.
On a night out it is a lot easier for a man to get into conversation with a woman than to get into a conversation with another man. Most men out on town don't want to talk to other men, they want to meet women. And most women are approachable for a conversation. So him talking to women in this case doesn't mean he wouldn't have talked to a man had he been at a different setting (say a private party rather than a club, or a house party).
I wouldn't exactly say that this episode shows that he seeks out female attention, or likes the attention in particular. This episode doesn't even show that he GETS attention. I mean if you call him talking to a total of two women at a club as him "liking to get attention" then what would it take to NOT have you label him as such? That he only talks to men? If he only talked to men would you have called him gay, or that he likes male attention? No. If he stood and not talked to anyone, would you find that appropriate? Or wouldn't you call that anti-social or boring of him?
He happened to talk to a couple of women, I wouldn't go as far as calling that seeking out attention. I once had a boyfriend who buttoned up his shirt at a club and danced at the speakers. Now THAT is a call for attention. Casual conversation... not so much.
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A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Honestly? yeah you are. So you took him to a friends party where no one spoke to him and he was having an awful time. So rather than stand by your side all night and pout he made the best out of a bad situation. The girl he was dancing with came over to speak with you, obviously he told her about you and she was probably just trying to be nice. Why couldn't you have joined them on the dance floor also? YOu said later that your girlfriends did dso I don't really see the big issue here.
As for being outside on the patio well... You said it was packed and full chances are he bumped into someone and got chatting.
I think you are reading way too much into this, Have you wondered what about his behaviour is making you feel so insecure?
Has he ever broken your trust? Don't ask what he dose that upsets you but ask yourself why it upsets you. Once you figure that out have a chat to him and see what his response is. It could be that he has no idea that you are so upset about this?
Good luck
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