A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I just being insecure? Been seeing a guy for a few weeks. At first I could tell he was really interested. I have known him for years as an aquaintence, through friends and always thought he is a really nice guy. I didn't know he liked me this way until we were at friend's and we ended up kissing. I split with my ex about 6 months before that and was still "getting over" him. Like, I know for sure he isn't the guy for me anymore and I want to fall in love with someone new, who is better for me, and I think this new guy has a lot I common with me and has a lot of great qualities and i like him. After that night I have been round his a few times, like once every week and a half. Mainly because we have busy schedules and also I had a bereavement and an illness, of which he was very understanding.The thing is. Although I really like him and I know he is, or at least was really interested in me, I feel uncertain. We have slept together every time. I had said to myself I wouldn't straight away but I got carried away in the moment. Also, we don't really speak much between seeing each other. just a text or fb message to arrange seeing each other again. At first I was happy with the slow pace because I felt I didn't want to go too fast, but now I am worried. He did ask me to go with him to his friends wedding in a couple of weeks, and he has said things that make me think he is thinking of me as more than FWB. I guess I've just got the fear that this could end up as one of them and I'm gonna be hurt again. I am still hurting from my ex but it is part of growing up and learning the ways of the world, so I'm dealing with it. I just really like this new guy and hope it works out. I'm just worried he doesn't think I like him because I have had so much going through my head recently and I havn't been able to let my guard down fully around him. What do you think I should do? I've asked him to meet up again and our schedules clashed so it won't be for a while. guess I should just wait for him to reply :/
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 August 2012):
 So very glad for this update! thanks for letting us know. I"m glad it worked out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a lil update. Turns out he does want me to be his girlfriend and I was his date at the wedding. My friends said it was obvious he's smitten with me. Guess we were both too shy to directly discuss what was going on. But in a roundabout way we did last night. Turns out I have a boyfriend now. Think I need to trust my instincts more and not worry so much and just go with the flow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionurm I don't think having sex with a guy who just wants sex will make him want more of a commitment. And as for desperation to have a man, any man, that so ain't what I'm about. He's the first bloke I've let close to me since my ex of 8 months. I don't sleep with anyone in the hopes of it turning into something. I saw something in this guy and things seemed to be developing. I thought he really liked me. Meh, I could have been wrong. Shit happens.
If someone really likes someone, having sex with them, even if it's early shouldn't put them off them. If it does, surely they didn't really like them that much? If that's the case it's no skin off my nose. Isn't witholding sex playing a game if it's to see if he's really interested? Why wait so long? If you want sex, have sex. If he's really interested he'll still be interested. If he is the kind of guy who would become disinterested in me as a person just because he's had sex with me, well, he ain't right for me. It's not like we slept together on the first date. I had known him for years and had spent time with him out with friends n stuff recently before all this happened. If he ain't interested in me that way, fair enough, and it was just sex, or maybe he was interested in more but now he's not, that's cool. Even if you commit to someone, doesn't mean you ain't gonna change your mind. I really enjoyed what has been happening and I like sex, sue me. I've just come from a long term monogamous thing. That didn't make me happy. Right now I just want to have fun being myself with people who get me. I just thought something more was going to happen with him. But tbh I ain't been feeling myself and it felt like something was missing even though I think we could get on great. I'm not looking desperatly for a boyfriend or a label. I'm just confused over what has happened and what is happening between us.
I guess I just don't like the idea of FWB. I want the emotional closeness to someone as well as sex. But tbh I don't feel fully ready to let my guard down with someone yet. I'm getting there, starting to feel happy in myself again. I really like him as a person and was and am really drawn to him and interested in getting to know him. That's why I went with it. But hey ho. If it's meant to work out it will. If not, it was fun :) I just don't want to get my knickers in a twist and get control of my over thinking. Just needed some clarity and to figure out what I'm doing and what's happening. Thanks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2012):
“A FWB would just want to get down to it, no?”
NO…. FWB does not mean cold callous show up get fucked and leave…. It means you have no ongoing long term, permanent relationship. The first word in FWB is FRIENDS… friends can hang out and watch tv and eat dinner together and then have sex….
If you are confused ask him exactly what you asked us : “If I am going as his date to this wedding are we gonna be a couple, or what?” The worst thing he can say is “no I just need a date to dance with” Personally I don’t believe in the myth that you don’t take casual friends to weddings… that it sends a signal….
If you are not sure where you stand with him, you must tell him how you feel and ask him where you stand... and then be prepared for what he says.. he may want a relationship or he may tell you 'i'm not ready" which means he's not ready with YOU....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): The purpose of waiting awhile until you have sex is to filter out those guys just looking for sex and not allowing them to use you until they get bored. The guys who are willing to wait are the ones more interested in a commitment anyway.
You're mistaken if you think sex is going to make a guy who is only after sex want to give you more of a commitment. If the guy were on the fence about a relationship, sex right away will most likely disqualify you as a good candidate for commitment anyway in his mind.
To make matters worse, once you start pushing for more, he'll assume you were using sex as a gateway to love, which can come across as desperation to have a man, any man.
There are enough special things about you as a person that a guy will never bother getting to know and will never see about you because of your unwillingness to hold back and let that develop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know though. I didn't seem to get that vibe at first. He seemed really keen to show me who he is as a person. A FWB would just want to get down to it, no? And he invited me to his friend's wedding and she invited me to the hen do. In my last 2 long term things we had sex early on. It's not like I can stop now. I knew I shouldn't have had sex so soon. I just thought, why the f*** not. It had been a while. I don't agree with this business of once a guy has slept with you he loses interest. I wouldn't want to be with a guy like that anyway. I'd rather find out sooner than later that he isn't genuinely interested in me in a romantic way, ie wants to get to know me more. I don't believe in games. If I held out on the sex I'd be testing him, and I don't believe in that. I'd rather be straight up. But I guess we ain't broached the subject of what is going on between us. If I am going as his date to this wedding are we gonna be a couple, or what? I'm so confused... It's like he wanted us to be dating, but because I have been really standoffish due to being shy and everything I've been through recently and feeling very depressed, maybe he doesn't think of me that way anymore, probably because I seemed distant and unhappy. Maybe he thought I wasn't into him. I think I will just tell him when I am free and leave it, and if he wants to spend time with me then he can ask me out again.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 August 2012):
 Knock off the sex and see if he still is interested in hanging out.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 August 2012):
you are very much FWB...
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