A
male
age
36-40,
*nglish
writes:I started seeing my girlfriend about 3 and a half years ago. We met because we have the same hobbies, and always do things together. Within a few months of seeing each other, we went away together for 5 months on an extended holiday. This was made possible because we she was a stage in her study where she could take some time out, and I wanted to change my job. Once we were back, niether of us had anywhere really to live, so we decided to rent somewhere together. We've not been living together and being generally happy, as the average couple are. We do things together all the time, and enjoy going on holidays together still, more than most. I have always felt that I have not been ready to settle down, get tied in to buying a house and have kids in the next few years. At some time in my life I would want this but not in the near future. Before her, I was in another long term relationship. This didn't help me ever find myself as a person and discover what it actually is I want to do with my life. She is almost 29 and I am 24. This again does't really help the fact that she wants the stable relationship, and to know that I am completely committed to wanting the same things. To buy a house now, get financial stability and then have kids when the time is right. She says that there's no rush as long as she knows it will happen. I have got my own dreams of things I would like to do in my life. Recently I went away for a couple of weeks by myself, this was supposedly because she didn't have the money to come too, but I really wanted to do it by myself to see if I could get the travel bug a little more out of my system. All it did though was to make me want more of that kind of life and be able to do what I want, when I want. over the past few weeks, since I got back, everything has been fantastic, I've shown her lots of love, which I know she has enjoyed, and we have got holidays and events planned far into the future. A few days ago though, she started again talking about buying our own place to cement the fact that we are together. This has highlighted to me that I am not ready to commit to 100% wanting the things that she does. In light of this, she has now said that we can't be together if I don't want those things. She is now looking for somewhere to rent away from me and last night I stayed at a friends so we could have time apart to think about everything. I dont feel any different now. I still love her and want to be with her, but I know that in the future, I cant be happy if I haven't explored myself and done the things I feel I need to before settling down and having kids. Am I being studip giving up the girl I love that I know would love me forever if I was to give her the things she wants, or am I being more stupid by not doing the things in my life first?Why do these things have to happen like this? :(
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female
reader, wiltingrose16  +, writes (4 April 2009):
No, it is definatly not wrong. So many people jump into a relationship that they don't want to and end up apart. I suggest you sit down and have a talk. Tell your partner how you feel. If they love you they'll give you time.
A
male
reader, english +, writes (8 October 2008):
english is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much everyone for your messages and advice. I have spoken so much to people over the last 2 days its unbelievable.
We have come to a conclusion (whether this will change again I don't 100% know)
She wants commitment for the future, which I can completely understand. I just want to be able to do something else than what I am doing now.
Its has shown me that the problem isn't with her, it is with what I am doing in my job and career path. We have decided to plan to move country in 1 - 2 years. This will give us time to save and move with a financial backing, plus will also give me something to look forward to doing. Once we have moved, I have a new job to go to which will let me travel and be more free than I am now. Plus we can then carry on doing the things we love doing together. We have so many things in common that we both love to do, what is the point in giving that up. The whole idea of having kids is only a problem for me if i'm not living the life i want myself. Things are looking up. Thanks everyone.
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A
female
reader, kirstyconfused +, writes (8 October 2008):
Oh my i really can relate to this quetion you have asked, ive just asked a question with a few of the same problems but didnt realise till i read your question the main reason iam confused about my realtionship is because i havent found myself and need some me time. Please read my question see what you think thanks. (My ex and I still think about each other but I am planning marriage with another, when in reality I dislike this new relationship and wish I were single! What can I do?)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2008): You love her but you want to find yourself?
Think of it this way.
Person 1 say:
"I love her, but family and commitment occupies a lot of time. I will be tied down and won't have the freedom I had before marriage. There is still so much I want to do and I don't want to miss it. I'm not ready."
And then there is person 2, who says:
"I only have one life, I know I love her I want to be with her. I will MAKE time for family, commitment, and build myself. I'm ready."
Person 1 isn't sure what he wants. Person 2 knows what he wants.
Do you love her enough for commitment? Or is she asking for too much? Does the idea of marriage make you uncomfortable? Are you ready for this?
Which one are you? Person 1 or 2?
If you're not ready then make it clear to her, you love her and want to be with her but you need time. Take control and take a break if you need to. If she wants to end it then she's asking for too much, she is being impatient.
If you feel you love her enough then go for the commitment. Life will not end once you marry. You begin a new life. Take things slow and talk things out. Make it clear you are ready for this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): I can't imagine why you got into the relationship to begin with knowing you didn't want such commitment yet. However, if you love her as much as you say, I can't see the logic behind letting her go over a small fear. You need to question whether or not you love her as much as you think you do...enough to commit soon enough to meet her needs. The way I see it, once you find someone you dearly love, you should be able to commit without that much of a challenge. However, if you aren't very in love with her, then you might find it a bit more frightening to commit. You can always do the things you want to in life and INCLUDE her in them if she means that much to you. If you break it off with her now, you may not be able to find someone who care about as much again. Then again, you could. Also, whose to say you'll ever really get over that "not ready"feeling? Really, there isn't too much advice you can give someone on this level.
Just ask yourself these questions:
1. Do I love her enough to want to spend my life with her?
2. Do I love her enough to include her in my life while still discovering myself?
3. Do I find it more important to discover myself on my own or more important to discover myself with the woman I love by my side?
Also think of this: There is no self-discovery in life. Searching for yourself will get you nowhere. "Life is about creating yourself." You should consider spending more time discovering the type of person you want to be and the things you like and then go out to create yourself. Finding yourself is a dead end search and you'll always end up with questions.
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A
female
reader, Taylor-x +, writes (6 October 2008):
 FIRSTLY you sound like a totally sensible down to earth guy. Even though you are 24 you sound more mature than she is! Dont rush yourself into doing things your not ready for beacuse it will only end in disaster. If this girl who you say 'will love you forver' really will do this then she should understand that you want to take your time! It sound like youve got a good head on your shoulders! and its totally acceptable to want to live your life first before settling down! i wish i would have lived my life first before settling down!if you dont achieve eveything you want in your life first then your relationship really isnt goin to work. This would be a shame beacuse you two sound perfect for each other. She just needs to give you more time. Sit down and tell her EXACTLY what you feel and tell her to do the same. I suspect shes afraid of loosing you this is why she wants to setlle down, i hope she realises good things come to people who wait! Best Of Luck! xtaylor
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A
female
reader, leanne _a +, writes (6 October 2008):
 Take her out for a nice meal or even get a dvd and watch a nice film with her drop in the convo about kids and just say you love the time you spend with her and she would make a grat mum ONE DAY ! and see what she says dont keep this from her if she says she wants kids now explain that you love your life and are not ready YET the more you keep this from her the more hurt it will make her when she finds out your plans or diffrent take it slow but explain you love her !! woman r a lot more sensitive than men GOOD LUCK
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