A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I being silly to be upset over the fact my boyfriends mum made a joke over whether I should wear white I get married because I have a child?I know it may seem harmless but it's actually rather hurt me.I was 17 when I had my son, who is now 8. My boyfriend isn't his father but he has been there since he was two and he has played a great part in his life. My mother in law actually refers to my son as her grandchild, so I don't know if I am overreacting or if she meant something by it.We were watching TV and someone on a show was getting married, I said I would have that dress and said it was about time my boyfriend asked me. His mum then turned around and said no matter how old (my son) he is, people will still laugh at you for wearing a white dress. I just smiled and focused on the tv but there wasn't any need for it really. My boyfriend told me she couldn't judge as she was pregnant with his older sister when she got married and to forget it but I'm not sure if I can.We get on so well normally and it has kind of ruined that. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 August 2014):
 I've just remembered something that maybe will help the OP to take her MIL's comments less personally.
My mom is in her 80s, but she is no doddering old fool. She is a very "together", well informed, aware, old lady.
Yet, EVERY time she knows of somebody who is getting married at a visible state of pregnancy, she comments :
" Haha, had she waited some more, her kid would have been eating cake at her wedding ! " Choosing to ignore the fact that this is exactly what happens in a LOT of nowadays weddings- there are children already, and they attend mom's wedding.
Because for someone of her generation, it was so unthinkable it just does not register. I asked her if way back then everybody was really so virtuous and nobody had out of wedlock children, she said, sure there did of course ! But if then they got married, it was a quick, simple ceremony at 8.a.m.- in a tailored blue suit :).
Now your MIL is much younger, but certain customs are slow
to die...
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 Maybe she was speaking from personal experience? After all, if she was pregnant when she wore her white gown, perhaps there were some nasty snarky people who did laugh at her.
I expect if she's of a certain age or from a certain background that is rigidly traditional then she's saying what her friends will do.
Will your friends laugh at you? Of course not. Will your fiance laugh at you?
Oh wait, he's not your fiance yet.
You made a comment to her, "I said I would have that dress and said it was about time my boyfriend asked me." Maybe that irritated her so she said something snotty back?
Are you really angry with her or perhaps the problem is with your boyfriend? Did you tell him the bit about how you said to her that it was about time he asked you to marry him?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2014):
 I'm with Auntie Cindy.
I don't think your MIL was ragging on you she was bringing up an etiquette point. I choose to NOT wear white, it was more of a cream colored, because I LIKED the dress and the lace with my pale skin a "white-white" dress would have made me look sick. (got married in December so pretty pale).
Wear whatever you want. If you want to wear white, go for it.
It's like saying only GIRLS can wear pink. Bogus. I have seen many HOT guys in a pink button down!
People won't LAUGH at you for wearing white. They will be to busy going OHHHH and AHHH over the pretty bride and the happy groom and the food and drinks later !!
Some people say you can't wear white after Labor Day, or certain length at a ball. WHO cares?
FIND a dress YOU love and ROCK it all the way down the aisle and then all night long! No matter what color!
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With that said, I actually agree with the tradition of white dresses. BUT I'd ask my MIL if she wore white.. if she did, ask her if she was a virgin.. bet you bottom dollar she wasn't.
My uncle has been married 8 (or is it 9?) times. He last wife (not the current lol) was twice divorced and SHE wore white. I personally, thought her wearing white was a little passé for a 50 year old. However, who cares? :)
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 It's like an old wedding tradition to be married in a color other than white when you're not a virgin as you'd be considered impure while white symbolizes purity. I think maybe she's just so old school and was pretty serious with the joke she made however, you can wear what you want if you don't believe the way that she does. It's your wedding. Don't let this bother you too much. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): You can wear whatever you like. Old-school rules of attire don't seem to apply much these days. However; there is a matter of taste, and how some people perceive class and good etiquette. It depends on the circles in-which you travel.
Wearing what is appropriate for an occasion is always safe.
Don't let a comment change your relationship with your boyfriend's mother. She's being opinionated, and I don't think it was intended to hurt your feelings. Her delivery was too direct; so her humor was tainted; but her comment is evidence of the generation she grew-up in.
She may have taken umbrage that you were implying purity when you have an eight year-old son, and you're not a virgin. She would have probably said the same thing to her own daughter, if she is a single-mother. Bottom-line, you can wear a white veil, and floor-length wedding gown; if that is the kind of wedding you want. It's not up to her anyway, now is it? I doubt people who love you will laugh at you on your wedding day. Her words don't hold water.
You had better get used to her jabs. If she becomes your mother-in-law someday; you're going to get a few. Getting easily offended will not get you any points. You behaved with grace and dignity, and just smiled it away. Perfect.
Now dismiss it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 PS. You might also add "And if I wear that dress, they wont laugh at me. They'll be jealous of how amazing I look it in", and then maybe smile to ease the tension.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 July 2014):
I don't think it was meant as anything but a joke. If it really hurt you, I think you should talk to her about it and tell her how her joke made you feel. Just something like "I know you meant it as a joke, and yes, Im not a virgin, but in this day and age it is normal to get married in a white dress even if you're not a virgin. People don't laugh at you for it, and I found it hurtful that you think people will laugh at me"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): She might just have had a bit of a brain fart or was trying to be funny but it crashed as a joke. Base it on how she normally is with you. In that context - it should make more sense.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (30 July 2014):
I don't think she was being mean or judgemental - at most, a bit conservative and traditional : she was simply talking in terms of bridal fashion and etiquette.
In recent years the rules have relaxed quite a lot, and soccer players ' wives and the like have got us used to see anything and everything used as a bridal gowns, in any colour , length and shape.
But , until not MUCH time ago , it was simple : long white dress, first marriage only ( sans baggage, i.e. no kids ) - and for church only.
No white floor length for : divorced, widows, single mothers, or even registry office marriages . It was
( it is ? ) considered tacky.
Now, if you want to tell me this was a stupid rule , because it is based on the white dress symbolizing virginity , and it is a few decades that virtually no brides reach the altar as virgins, you have a point. But old traditions are slow to die so technically I guess your MIL is right, in the sense that if you pick up a bridal etiquette book , it will still advice you not to go all out with white flounces and white satin and trails etc... if you are divorced or your kids are coming to the wedding , and to opt for just a normal, elegant dress.
Of course , you are free to ignore the advice, it's your wedding, so dress as you like - but don't be surprised, and least of all upset, if your MIL who ,after all, is from another generations, thinks it is a bit ridicolous..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): Let it go. You wear what you want
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 You shouldn't let that comment affect what you wear on that day. Are you sure that was a joke or does she have family members who are as old fashioned as she is? I don't think people would actually laugh. She may think she knows everything about wedding etiquette but if you do research you will find out that white is still the predominant choice for everyone. I would get upset too as if the wedding would be second class since I was damaged good or something. Like I am pretending to be more innocent than I am.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 July 2014):
 Sounds like she is just old school and thinks that white is for virgin brides.
when you get married wear what you want.
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