A
female
age
41-50,
*parklemoondust
writes:I've been in a relationship with a guy I really like for about 6 months now. The problem is, at the beginning he was always talking about his ex's, mentioning silly abitrary things about them just because something reminded him of them. I didn't say anything at first. But one night while we were having sex, he started talking about a book of sexual positions that he had that he'd like to use (I do yoga and am quite flexible). Then he mentioned that he'd bought it for an ex who was a ballet dancer, started telling me how supple she was, and then said "but we never got around to using it because we were always too busy" and laughed. That was the last straw and I am so upset about it! I've told him I was upset, but he told me I was being silly and that he always talked about his ex's with other girlfriends. I want to forget about it, but I always start imagining him in bed with some ultra-lithe beautiful thing with her legs behind her head, and it's driving me crazy. I feel very ashamed of my body now and like he thinks I'm boring in bed. I don't want to break up with him, but I can't seem to get over it. Is what he did normal? Am I being silly? Should I just call it quits now?
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male
reader, H2H  +, writes (15 March 2008):
No, you are not being silly, just being real.
The problem is that he doesn't *seem* to understand how or why you feel the way you do.
So, why does he habitually act in a way that fosters insecurity in his girlfriends? Is he doing to protect himself by making you feel more insecure than he does?
The bottom line here is he has a habitual problem that undermines his relationships. Only masochists want to hear anything about an ex other than how bad they were and how wonderful you are.
Let me add, Yes, this could be very normal behavior. The issue is his intent, unconscious or otherwise.
You need to find out. If he's doing this as a means of control, then don't hesitate, RUN for your life!
If he's doing it as a defense mechanism, he needs to face what he's doing and its consequences.
The questions are 1) can you help him with this problem, and 2) is he ready to face it and do something before it's too late for you and him?
You might try doing the same thing to him sometime. It's very important to do this out of love and not out of anger. Try to pick something he's sensitive about it so you'll get a strong response. Hopefully, an outburst.
Listen and then tell you're sorry he's hurt and you only *needed* him to understand how you felt. That you love him, but this habit of him talking about his ex's is destroying the relationship.
It's extremely important to do this completely from the heart with an absence of vengeance or anger. If you can do it, you have the best chance of reaching him.
If he *gets it*, then everything can be worked out.
If he doesn't "hear you" or turns it back on you, like, you're just being "silly", "crazy" or some other dismissive, then he is either not ready to face his problem or it's a means of controlling his girlfriends. Either scenario is a highway to heartache ... LEAVE ASAP and don't look back!!!
Just find out and act accordingly.
--H2H
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Give him a taste of his own medicine. Wait awhile and then just causally let drop something sexual about an ex (make it up if you want) guaranteed this will bother him. Then you can explain this is how you feel when he does that. I would also let him know afterwards this was only an example to illustrate how it feels.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): That's crazy!I'd have a problem about it if I were you too. Personally, not only would I feel bad about my "un-supple body?!" but I would emotionally feel like he was still attatched to every single one of his other exs. YOU SHOULD BE TREATED AS SPECIAL!!! Not as just another of his soon-to-be exs.
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A
female
reader, Danixcuntxface +, writes (15 March 2008):
He sounds like an ass no offense and i bet his ballerina gf wasnt so pretty or liked sticking shit down her throat to puke up everything she ate. Dont listen to him. Hes jus tryin to make u jealous. Really i bet he bought that book cuz he thought he looked kool doing it.dont listen wut he says.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Hi Hunny
Your not being silly, if an ex partner was mentioned occationally because it was affecting someones life and that was the only way you could explain no probs, But I had a b/f like this and we would go out for a meal and he would start talking about what he did with his ex wife on there hunnymoon n stuff in the bedroom with other ex g/fs and he always brough 1 of them up every day I was fine with one as they had children and he had to speak to his children and so did I, But the sex stuff wasnt needed and to be honest it turned me off hunny and I did split with him, You have to talk to him hun and tell him its upsetting you and the way it makes you feel...no you dont want to imagine someone elses legs round his neck just as you are about to get it on...I hope things work out for you hunny Im sure he wouldnt like it! if the tables were turned TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Honey, you're not being silly, it's him being insensitive. If he thinks he's gonna get along in life talking to his girlfriends about his ex's, he's got another thing coming! However, I don't think that it's enough to break up over. Well done for telling him how it upset you, but if he chooses to basically ignore what you said then it's his problem really.. That was mean of him. It makes me wonder if he really does care that much for your feelings. You said that he said he alawys talks about his ex's with his gfs, well maybe this is just the strange reality for him. I can imagine it's not nice to hear, but everybody has a past and there's nothing you can do to change it unfortunately. If he wanted to be with her, he would be. But he's with YOU and he loves YOU. I'm sure he doesn't think you're boring or anything! It's good he feels comfortable enough to try this book out on you. Although I do agree, knowing it was meant for someone else is a bit harsh.. Try telling him again that you really don't like him saying these things, and that if he won't stop then he should just go back with them if he thinks about them so much. This is just a threat! But if he takes you seriously then maybe that will get him back into bf shape. Good luck okay honey :]
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