A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife is from another (very poor) country, and her family is still in the other country (in addition to her parents, she 5 brothers and sister).Her family constantly asks her for financial support, and she's helped them out quite a bit over the past 15 years or so that she's been in this country. Also, most of her family members are constantly bickering, getting themselves in trouble, they don't have jobs, they spend whatever money they do get foolishly, etc. For example, if she buys them something that they could use to make money, they turn around and pawn it for pennies on the dollar and ask her for money again.She wants them to become more independent and stop asking her for money, but she can't bring herself to cut them off, and she worries a lot about them saying nasty things to each other and others. She ends up venting/complaining about her family on an almost daily basis. I work long hours at a high stress job, and when I get home at night I'm greated by a highly agitated wife who goes on and on about her horrible family for about an hour. However, other than venting, she doesn't do anything to change the situation (e.g. she gets into drawn out text message battles with her family members)It appears to me that her pattern of interaction with her family has been going on for at least 10 years. I've told her that she's wasting her time trying to change her family's behavior, and I've also told her that constantly venting to me is completely ineffective as well. But, she still keeps complaining about the same things over and over and over. It's often in a way that implies she has a very hard life, and that I should feel sympathy for her. (we live in a very large custom built house in an excellent neighborhood, she drives a Mercedes, etc.)I've listened to her and tried to understand her situation for several years, but nothing ever changes. I finally told her I'm done talking about her family. When she starts complaining about them, I just tell her I don't want to discuss it any more, and walk out of the room. But, she accuses me of not being supportive of her, says I'm self-centered, and says she might as well be single if I won't support her emotionally.I actually feel like I'm enabling her to continue in an unhealthy pattern of behavior if I listen to her constantly and tell her how I understand how hard everything is for her. To my mind, she is choosing to let herself be bothered by her family, and I can't make that choice for her. Am I being self-centered and heartless?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): OP here. Thanks for the responses. Very good insights.
My sense is that putting limits on how much I'm willing to listen to in terms of her family's problems has probably been a good thing so far.
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (1 December 2011):
 odds gave u excellent advice make sure u follow it
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2011):
 I'm going to play Devil's advocate her for a few, just bear with me :)
She is venting to you, her husband - just like you now are venting (and asking for support and advice) here on DearCupid.
Look at it this way. In the 15 years of marriage she has tried her best to help out her family back home, that is what she feels she must do.
However, all her attempt to help them help themselves have failed, why? Because she does the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome.
I can only BEGIN to imagine how annoying it must be to have to listen to it constantly, but have you tried to help her find a solution? (other then "just" stop helping her family?) Help her help them. She won't stop trying to help them, that is just WHO she is. Like you said you feel like you are enabling her, she has been ENABLING them for 15 years, yet you somehow expect her to "get it" overnight, because you made a resolution with yourself to not want to hear it no more.
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I don't think you are self centered or uncaring - I think you should get a flipping medal for having heard the whining for 15 years. But. Refusing to want to listen, is going to cause a rift between you. Her family's drama might be the cause, but she will see it as YOU being the cause.
Talk to her, tell her that what has been done in the past is NOT working. Tell her to STOP beating that dead horse. Look for new options. However, I don't think you can expect her to stop wanting to help her family, however lazy and incompetent they are. Work WITH her, make a strategy on how she can help, help her stick to it. If that doesn't work, then I would sit her down and explain how stressful it is to you as a husband to listen to her complaints about things that are so out of both your hands.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): No your not being selfish, it would be different if her family were in trouble once and needed help, this is ongoing and a lifestyle to them.
Your wife has pushed your patience to the limit and you have quite rightly told her enoughs enough. We all have family obligations but your wife seems to let them rule every waking hour - then vents to you,who's stressed after a day at work.
Its 'change the record' time.If your wife can't see that she's being selfish expecting you to listen and help her family indefinately then she is the one being unreasonable.You can't do much more than your doing, walking away and refusing to listen.
When she says again she may as well be single...just tell her she will be if things go on the same.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 December 2011):
 You're making the right decision. Whether she is mature enough to react appropriately is another thing.
Family loyalty is important, but that runs both ways. It's every bit as bad to take advantage of family as it is to refuse them the help they need - the point being, those morals only work when the whole family deals in good faith.
By the same token, your wife is right that backing off is a way of refusing to be emotionally supportive, but her decision to foist all her problems on you every night is *her* way of being emotionally unsupportive. The difference is, I think she's acting in good faith, whereas her family is not.
It's a toxic situation. I would recommend starting with a compromise - tell her exactly how you feel about her decisions with her family, and that you want to support her, but that you think that by listening you are only enabling her to hurt herself. Tell her that you are not going to try to force her to act better, but that you cannot, as her husband, enable her self-destruction. Once you've taken away that support, you have to offer it in a better way - tell her that, when she is ready to take some steps to making things better rather than continuing to feed the problem, you will be there for her 100%.
It's a rational, productive stance - so expect her to be really upset at first. You have to be the rock in the storm, here: steady and firm no matter how rough things get. I can't promise it will go well (that depends on her), but I think it's your best shot.
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