A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have had two disasterous marriages with men who treated me badly. I have three lovely children all under 11 I work full time and recently bought my own house. I do want a loving meaningful relationship I am fourty and work from home on my own. I do have good friends but want that special someone to spend quality time with. Just over three months ago I started seeing a man I had known previously as a Father of my Sons friend. We hit it off immediately. I was so pleased. He's funny charismatic, good looking. He said he wasn't planning on having a relationship yet and was planning to move into his own home which happens next week and spend time with work and his kids then meet someone. However he said he couldn't do that now he's met me as he would worry I would meet someone else and he would loose me. Within a couple of weeks we were telling each other we loved each other and I made it clear I was happy with us having our own houses and taking our time. Over the last three weeks he has changed. He never tells me he loves me and if I say it hardly ever says it back. He works long hours but on the evenings he could come up early he doesn't he goes to his Mums then comes up about half eight nine pm after the kids are in bed. We sit for an hour and watch tv then go to bed. This happens every night as he's staying in a friends house until he moves in his house on sunday but he staying here instead of his mates. He makes comments such as its much nicer here than my mates spare room. He's let me down a few times on an occasion where we were supposed to go away with friends he chose to go out with his friends when he was supposed to go for sunday lunch with the kids and I he went to watch the football, when he said he would help my 72 year old Dad with my fence he didn't turn up. I make him lunch every day for work. He used to come up for dinner once or twice a week now he says hes going his Mothers. He does say he doesn't want it to look like hes using me but is he just clever? When he moves into his house he will have to work long hours he will have his kids on a wed night and Friday night. He mentioned that he may need to work on a Saturday morning to pay for the house. The other night he said to me are you are the kids going to stay over my house on a Friday night I said the problem I have is the kids Dad wont be happy picking them up from yours sat morning at ten. He said he will have to get used to it. I said are you planning on working on Saturday am he said not yet but they do want me to. I feel mean saying this but I don't want to become childcare for a man who doesn't seem to know if he wants us. I am going to a pop concert Thursday with my friends he realised the other night and spent the whole evening telling me he loved me and his mates said how is he going to hold onto me. I feel that was for my benefit as he never usually says anything. The night before that he asked if I could see me spending the rest of my life with him I said I have to think its something with a future or what's the point in me being here. He said don't plan just don't make plans just enjoy each day???? He told me his Father told him there will be a que of girls at the door when he moves in.I gave my last Husband excuses for his behaviour I don't want to do it again. Do you think Im being played? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 April 2013):
 Three months into a relationship is too soon to be playing house and having your ex have to pick up his children on Saturday at another house.
I would bide my time, not be free childcare and do as he says, not make plans, just enjoy each day. Sounds like he IS capable of making plans, as long as they are to his benefit.
Back off the intensity of the relationship, you started using the "L" word fairly early and perhaps you are now coming to realize that you don't really know him all that well if you don't trust him to this extent.
Stop being his caretaker and see if he makes any effort to repay you for your loving attention by caretaking for you. He didn't show on an important day for your Dad, not a good sign.
Definitely be wary and do not commit to sleepovers, as if this all goes downhill, your kids will have experienced another loss in life as they watch you break up.
What have you learned from the disastrous marriages? Have you identified your patterns and can you stop yourself from making the same mistakes? You sound very accommodating and willing to put your own personal life into turmoil to take care of a guy who keeps blowing you off.
What are your boundaries? Are you able to ask for things you know you need?
Maybe some counseling would help you get some perspective on your life choices and how you come to be with men who turn out to be bad for you.
Best wishes to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): Picking through what you have said it looks as if he is not as keen on the relationship as you. He says the things you want to hear when it is necessary to do so, but not otherwise. Work out what you want from him and the relationship. You have 2 marriages behind you and can afford to be selfish for yourself and your children. Do you really need a flaky man who seems to want to make you jealous of these women who are going to be queuing up for him? I'd say - be honest with him once you know what you expect of him and if that is not in line with his intentions then end it. Don't be used.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 April 2013):
 I think everything in your submittal is unnecessary except this: " Over the last three weeks he has changed. He never tells me he loves me and if I say it hardly ever says it back. He works long hours but on the evenings he could come up early he doesn't he goes to his Mums then comes up about half eight nine pm after the kids are in bed. We sit for an hour and watch tv then go to bed. "
If "... then we go to bed..." ALSO means that you and he have $ex..... then you are wasting your time with this guy....
Good luck...
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