Am I being manipulated or is he truly sorry?

Tagged as: The ex-factor, Troubled relationships

<< Previous question Next question >>

Question - (21 December 2009)

7 Answers - (Newest, 26 December 2009)

A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I were in an on again off again relationship for three months, breaking up twice during the relationship until this third time when I ended it for good. The first time we broke up because he was talking about getting back together with his ex-fiance (dating 4 years) while we were still dating. He had made arrangements to fly her up to see him (even paying for her ticket) and then backed out last minute, telling her it was a bad idea and she was not longer invited down. He told me about it immediately and told me he had blocked her on facebook, on his phone, everything. I believed him but when he told me a week later that he just needed time to think I figured it was related to this and broke up with him.

Within days I thought I had made a mistake and we started working on getting back together. A month later we were back together - unbeknownst to me he had, in this middle time, not only re-friended the ex on facebook and unblocked her from his phone, but they were talking 3 times a week and they had made plans to elope over Christmas break, which he again ended those plans when he realized I wanted to be back with him. But when I found out that he was still so into her that he was planning to elope with her (his parents don't like her and her parents don't like him - he called off the wedding on the day of the wedding) which I found out by reading through his emails, I broke up with him again. Yes, technically it happened while we were broken up, but it still hurt that I felt like like I didn't mean enough for him to fight for me. Before I broke up with him, I told him I would stick it out if he unfriended her and blocked her again. He initially agreed then said he didn't like being backed into a corner and that they were only friends and I couldn't tell him who to be friends with. I told him that was him putting her feelings over mine and walked out the door.

Well, sure enough, we got back together just a couple weeks later because I decided that he really hadn't given me any reason not to trust him because as far as I knew he never actually cheated on me while we were together - he had just done extremely hurtful things while we were broken up but, he was right, we were technically broken up and it wasn't my place to tell him who he could be friends with. So I agreed to just deal with their friendship and enjoy being with him (which I truly do minus this one BIG issue). We had a good couple weeks, getting back to being us, took a trip together and just had a few days during which I asked if him and the ex had talked about getting back together again. He looked in my eyes and told me straight that no, they never had. It was the way he said it that felt like a lie so I went through his phone later that day and sure enough, she had taken the same vacation with him the weekend before when he had not only told me he was alone but had planned a date for us later that week. I confronted him, we talked for about 12 hours, and then I left.

After that he told me how much he hated letting me into his life and that he was proud of me for pulling him in and getting the better of him and I must be proud of myself. Then less than 2 hours later and for the past couple days he has been calling (6 times), asking to talk to me or asking how he can get me to talk to him, apologizing for what he said and did and for hurting me and offerring to drive 10 hours north to talk to me if it would make a differencec. He has promised if I will talk to him we will not have the issue again and I can get everything I demanded before (blocking her) and giving me full access to his phone and email til I trust him again. During this whole incident I sent him one text saying maybe we can talk when I get back in town. He thanked me for that and said he was willing to play by any rules that would let us be together and fix the problem, that he was thinking about me all day, asking me what I'm doing, that he loves me and wishes he'd spent the last night more focused on me, that I'm the one he wants and no one els, begging again to come see me, and telling me that he needs me right now.

The problem is he blocked me on facebook and re-friended his ex and has yet to unblock me. Can I take him seriously? Do I give him another chance? Or is he just trying to manipulate me into being his friend because I'm a year ahead of him in school, involved in everything, and my friends have all unfriended him (I know, childish, but it hurt when he unfriended me). I didn't ignore him before so I'm thinking maybe this time he really has changed - do I just wait a couple weeks and see how he feels? Do I say something about him being friends with the ex an blocking me? I'm especially interested in guys perspective - am I being manipulated or is he truly sorry?

View related questions: broke up, cheated on me, christmas, facebook, got back together, his ex, text, wedding

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Katiekins86 +, writes (26 December 2009):

possibly, but I seriously would make him jump through hoops before letting him back into your life. DON'T sleep with him for at least a few months, that'll test him. If he's serious, he will be grateful you are giving him the chance. Don't rule out other men either, and be honest about that and say you are not actively looking but if a genuine more caring guy comes along then that's a risk he should be willing to take. if he respects you he will fully understand that he's been a a complete dick and it will only make him work harder to prove himself.