A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I (3 months together) got into a fight last week because she told me that if she goes out with her friends they would have a "contest" to see who could get the most numbers at a bar or club. I found this disrespectful and odd so I let her know that this is a huge red flag. After defending it and talking in circles she finally stopped arguing the point and we left each other for the night. She came back a few hours later and apologized, I told her to go back home and think about what she wants.So 2 days later we met, made up and she apologized more which I accepted. I could tell it was sincere and since then shes been extra affectionate to me.Her job requires her to travel for months at a time, so she will be out a lot and I'll be in another state. Should I be worried about her behavior when I am not there? I honestly think if I didn't tell her that was not ok she would have done it. And now I am wondering what else she thinks is ok. Secondly I saw that she and her ex were messaging on facebook tonight, nothing incriminating and it was a normal conversation but I guess you could say I am concerned based on the past week.All of her friends are single, and her last real relationship was a fiance for 9 years and she said he was ok with her flirting at bars etc so I do not think she knows how to act in a normal relationship which is why I worry what else she thinks is ok. The guy she was talking to on facebook was a short term thing (because she always moves shes had a lot of these) and never official.Am I being insecure or should her lifestyle / attitude be a legitimate concern?We are both in our late 20s if that helps.
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facebook, fiance, flirt, her ex, insecure Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 October 2013):
 I'd be concerned, I'd be concerned that I am dating a stupid. What kind of a foolish game is who gets more phone numbers, for a woman in her late 20s ?? Yes it is disrespectful, both to you and to those guys whose time she is wasting feigning an interest which is not there, and whom she uses to ger her ego stroked. So, the lifestyle maybe is OK ( if she had many flings in the past, that does not mean she would seek for more physical flings once she is happily committed and actually do something with them ) but the mental attitude definitely needs adjustment.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): Can you remember the last time you heard a woman calling her man insecure, and she had NOT done something to raise a big red flag?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 October 2013):
 Yea, the whole scenario would be a deal-breaker for me. At her/your age - she should KNOW better.
I think it shows a HUGE lack of morals and values. I'm not saying she has to be prim and proper, but seriously? Making a game out of getting numbers? That is what teenagers do.
The fact that she has a LOT of these guys she "talks" to in FB, is another iffy thing. Are they friends or ex-lovers? F-buddies?
If might have been OK in her old relationship to "flirt" in bars, but if that is not for you, I don't think SHE is for you. Because I don't think she will quit that habit. Why? Because she doesn't see ANYTHING wrong with it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 October 2013):
 Yes you should be concerned.
You two will need enough time together to build a relationship of trust. You cannot be expected to make a commitment to her until she has proven that she can be faithful. She has a lot of unhealthy habits to unlearn. There are lots of chances for mistakes and backsliding. Friends and travel make it likely that she will have to apologize to you a few times. If you can't forgive her for what is most likely to happen bet5ween now and engagement then perhaps you should move on sooner.
The other thing that worries me is that there will be many people who will tell her that humans are not wired for monogamy. That everyone cheats, so it must be alright. You have done well to express your desires to her early. She needs to understand that it is monogamy that you desire and accept.
FA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): In your shoes, I'd be worried too since she does not grasp what's appropriate behavior.
However, you cannot try to police her every move. Nor can you constantly worry what she's up to. Both are impractical and would kill the relationship in the end.
What you should do us either give her the benefit if the doubt and trust her, hoping that this was a one off.
Or break up with her because your views of what a relationship requires are incompatible.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2013): Keeping contact with exes is a case-by-case basis thing.
Some exes may actually state outright "We were better as friends" and actually want to/try to get on with the new partner, some even do, it does happen, so being judgemental isn't always going to work.
Maybe my perspective is different but seeing as I've got limited experience of dating, it might not help.
However, getting the most numbers at a club is an age-old thing, and really, a lot of the time, the numbers get thrown away anyway, so ignore it, as in reality, people have heightened behaviour then, and think "WTH was I doing last night" in their then-euphoric state.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2013):
 I'm very much on your side.
She was being disloyal playing that game with her friend at the bar getting numbers. She let other men buy her drinks, solicit her, and it was for the ego boost. If she's that insecure, she can't be trusted.
Her keeping contact with exes is a HUGE red flag. I'd break up with her on that fact alone. She is desperate for male attention, and her behavior screams "player".
If you're dealing with this at 3 months when most relationships are completely starry-eyed for each other and the butterflies make it so that no other member of the opposite sex is the least bit enticing, then you have a problem.
Best cut your losses buddy. She is a cheat and a player.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (13 October 2013):
Hmmm...I think yes and no that you should be concerned. The fact that she told you that they were going to try and see who could get the most numbers at a bar was kind of a way of seeing how you'd react and she was letting you know. If she was up to something, she probably wouldn't tell you. So the fact that she was open about it kind was a way of asking permission in a lame sort of way.
So, I think you're right that she doesn't really know how to "act" being in a relationship. She's probably kind of used to the bar scene and having the freedom to do what she feels like. Basically, she has some growing up to do. I don't think any of this means that she wants to hook up with other people etc.. But she's kind of testing the waters to see what you're OK with in a juvenile sort of way.
I don't think you should be worried while she's gone. While, she might still act silly and might not do things you "like" she probably isn't looking to cheat on you (at least I don't think). But hopefully, after this, she'll have the respect for you to not engage in things that you're not comfortable with, even if she is out of town.
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