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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: This is a question about the past... I'm just trying to understand if we're "born smart" or do we live and learn... I know I have learnt from my mistake. And if it is ok to forgive oneself at some point…When I was 19 years old I fell in love with an older man. He was in his early 30's and had a role of my teacher/mentor, coworker at university. At first I had no idea that he was married, because he didn't act like it (no ring, always going out on his own or with his friends, flirted with me...). He didn't lie about it; he just didn't talk about his wife and his kids. At that time nothing happened between us. We spent a lot of time together at work and I feel in love with him. I knew that he felt something for me, I wasn't blind, but I don't think he ever loved me. Honestly, I don't think he knew, knows how, despite what he has always professed. I had zero expectations from him.Now I know that this phase could be called grooming. Because when I did learn that he was married, that didn't stop me from saying yes to his advances and we embarked on an affair that would last for about a year, until he moved to another state. After that, he left his wife for another woman, that he would leave off and on. And we stayed touch, but our emails were few and far in between. And when he would come back, we would spend a few days together. He would shake every time he saw me, had trouble finding words… claimed that I was the love of his life. One time when he came back, instead of the usual thing, I sat him down (I was about 24) and told him that this is where it ends, that I have met someone I love… honestly, at that moment I don’t know which way I would have gone if he had got serious about us. I saw him only once, after many years. It was nice, we talked for an hour or two. And yes, he was still shaking. Afterwards, he sent me a letter. A real letter. I had a feeling he wanted to set the record straight, although I have no idea why. He insisted that I was the love of his life and that he didn’t deserve me because he did nothing to improve his circumstances and fight for me, for “us”. At some point he just let himself go. Let this other, second, wife take care of him and his kids, financially and otherwise.I have never regrated being with him (the way we were, I would never call it a relationship), but I did regret oh so much being with a married man. It was so unlike me. It IS so unlike me. I felt guilt and shame. I should have known better. It’s very hard for me not to cringe when I remember this, the facts. I don’t know if it’s okay to say that I was young and inexperienced… and to be honest, the MeToo changed my PoV and taking into account everything, I had no idea if he loved me (or at least if he was attracted o me) or with “a nineteen year old girl”. I also ponder over the question if I'm being a hypocrite if I say that I think that having an affair with a married person is wrong. is there " a statute of limitations" on this?Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2022): 75 percent of the chicks who spend a majority of their 20s single will fall for a married man at some point. And hes usually always at the age for a midlife crisis to be blamed. Forgive yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2022): You cannot beat yourself up over something that happened in the PAST and cannot be changed. No matter how much guilt you ALLOW yourself to carry forward.
Every human on this earth makes mistakes, especially younger. Life is all about learning and growing and changing into the person who were meant to become. Most of us do stupid things when we were young and would never do them again. Lesson learned. You are no different. If anyone stands there and points a finger at you while professing to have no sins themselves, they are lying. Everybody looks in the mirror and sees something they are not proud of. But they need to find a way to put it away and live with it or it will consume them to the point where they will never allow themselves to be happy. Your mistakes should NEVER define you. You would be giving them too much power. And you are the one in control. Not your past. You can choose to make your future better, so focus on that. This is what you CAN control now. You cannot change what you did. But you can change who you become, and emerge into a newer, better and improved version of you, and be PROUD of that person. You don't have control over the old you. But the future is WIDE OPEN to create that NEW and BETTER version of YOU who has learned from her mistakes and will never repeat them. What you do in the future will cancel out all past missteps. You can little by little make better choices and do things which build your confidence again. Eventually that old self will be pushed away into the shadows. And the new you will reveal herself and that is the person you will be from now on. And although you won't forget completely, it will be a distant memory, not something at the forefront of your thoughts. And you need to choose to let it go.
Sometimes we have the hardest time forgiving ourselves.
Once you start to let it go and start to love yourself again, you will rebuild OP and eventually find a place of PEACE within yourself. I can't tell you when that will be. Neither can you. But you will get there. And you will find that joy and peace. I know. I was in your shoes once.
Maybe focus on your relationship with yourself without finding a partner. You need to HEAL OP. Focus on that for awhile. Also, therapy helped me a great deal. I think it would really benefit you to talk to a therapist and have them help you deal with this past baggage so that you can move forward in life without it weighing you down. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 April 2022):
 "I also ponder over the question if I'm being a hypocrite if I say that I think that having an affair with a married person is wrong. "
Good question, OP!
Are you being a hypocrite? Yes, but at least you are a hypocrite speaking from experience. So I would say that you LEARNED from the experience MORALLY and it taught you that it's NOT OK to get involved with a married person. And that is OK.
I'll give you a comparison.
Think of ALL the people who quit smoking and became staunch anti-smoker, well that (that includes me) hypocritical to say (for me for instance) to my kids, don't ever begin smoking it's a dumb, expensive, and gross habit. It's also the truth.
At least that is how I see it.
"is there " a statute of limitations" on this?"
No. However, regret is regret. At some point you are going to have to let go of the guilt tied to this regret because you CAN NOT go back and change what you did, the shit is out of the horse.
What makes no sense to me is when you write "I have never regrated being with him" Only that he was married."
Ok that is half-assing the past, OP
OWN what you did. You made a pisspoor choice. You know that now. And that is OK! If you have learned from this, and don't make excuses for it or do it again with other excuses then that was a mistake that turned into a successful lesson.
You do not need to beat yourself up perpetually over a mistake you made as a 19 year old. It's OK to regret it and it's OK to LET the "guilt" go and be OVER it.
We ALL make mistakes, OP EVERY single one of us. Be OK with that too.
"I should have known better." Yep. Me too, when it came to smoking, right?! It is what it is. What is done is done. LET it go.
KNOW better in the future, DO better. That is it.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (28 April 2022):
 I think the first part of your question is impossible to answer as each and everyone is different and we all have a choice over the decisions that we make.
It's important to remember that no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes, we are all only human at the end of the day. One of the benefits of making mistakes in life is learning from them, take this learning experience with you and with this hindsight you know never to make this mistake again.
You now now that nothing good will ever come out of dating a married man. You learnt that they tell you everything that you want to hear, making all the right noises, with no intention of ever making these promises come to fruition.
There is no point feeling guilty about what happened, it happened and we can't change the past, all there is now is the present and the future. Unfortunately we can't erase past events from our memory, so all you can do is accept that it was a mistake, and learn from the experience. You could also think that you had a lucky escape and never invested anymore time in this man.
Of course you are not being a hypocrite if you say having an affair with a married man is wrong, we all no its wrong, and we all know that dating a married man never ends well. Think to your self if by some slim chance you did get with him, you would forever be looking over your shoulder wondering if he is dating someone else behind your back just like he did his wifes.
You had a luck escape, and leaned a valuable life's lesson.
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