A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I grew up in an abusive family and as a consequence I've always been incredibly cautious about romantic relationships. So much so that I've never had a boyfriend or even gone out on a date. Quite a few guys have asked me out, but I've never been sure that they really liked me all that much, so I turned them down.There were times growing up when I didn't even feel like I was going to survive, that's how bad my home environment got. Thankfully I'm at college and have made some good friends, but I still don't see the point of short-term things. I like living a stable, consistent life.As a consequence (and because I have fallen for the wrong guys every now and then and ended up really hurt), I don't want to get a boyfriend unless there's a chance it could lead to marriage and he's a really, really nice person. I just couldn't love anyone who only liked me for my body (or even the fun parts of my personality) and wasn't committed. There's a good chance I'm not having sex till I get married.Is it silly to wait for Mr Right and have really high standards? I just don't see the point of going out with the kind of guy who's expressed interest in me so far (sporty guys who think I'm "cool" for being sporty too but aren't actually all that friendly to me, or geeky guys who go on about how "cute" I am but don't seem to share many interests with me or care about what I like as a person). Even if someone was really nice, too, I wouldn't want to end up hurt if they went in a different direction and we had to break up (I'm very ambitious).
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): You know from your own home situation what can happen if a person picks the wrong person to be with. You can read this forum and see countless examples of what happens with people who are not careful enough to pick a person who is not right for them.But who is right for you? You mention marriage. Is marriage save from abuse? Hardly, so just judging a guy by whether he wants to marry you is rather silly isn't it?But that is okay, you are a teen girl, silly is what you do best. And that is perhaps you dilemma, you might just not be ready yet to pick the right person. You say yourself you already picked several wrong candidates, it might be simple immaturity it might be you being influenced by your home environment (monkey see, monkey do).You could just dive in regardless OR you could simply say "^^^k it, I am not ready yet, so I will wait". This to me is not about waiting for Mr Right but rather about whether you are ready. And age isn't an issue here. If you are not ready, you are not ready and nobody else has a say in it. And maybe if you just stop worrying about it, you can come to relax, be confident in yourself, know who you really are. And not be a teen girl who entire identity revolves around having a boyfriend.And just maybe a confident woman, who moves at her own speed, is less likely to fall or even attract assholes and abusers. But only take this as a opinion not as a must follow. Foolish is doing what other people force you to do against your own wishes. Do what you feel is best for you, not what society expects of you.
A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 It's not stupid to have high standards and want a serious relationship. But to my mind it is unrealistic to expect the perfect guy, who ticks all your boxes, to just pop into your life, say all the right things, and then it's all perfect and chocolate box from then on. Life's not like that.You have to try things to find out what you want. And you have to give people a chance to show you what they can offer you. You don't know how awesome those guys might have been if you had given them a chance. They might not have been what you're looking for, but they might have had other qualities that you like just as much or even more. You have to try things out. You can't just sit there and expect the perfect guy to drop into your lap. You will be waiting a long time if you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): Best of luck then OP, because Mr Right needs a chance to show you he is too. That's not going to happen because you give no one a chance. how is a guy supposed to love you and all the great things about you from the very start? How are you supposed to know whether this shy retiring guy is only like that because he's nervous about the date and is actually confident, sweet guy once you get to know him?
It doesn't happen like the movies OP, it takes time to really get to know someone, well you're not going to because you need to know right away whether he's marriage material or not.
Okay so sports guys are out of the question, nerds too, let me guess goths, tattoos, short guys, overweight guys, guys who don't like your taste in music, don't support your football team, don't like similar movies, wear red and they have to have all the qualities you need right away before you'll even consider them?
Best of luck then OP, maybe you'll have some movie like romance moment where Ryan Gosling appears at your door to fix your plumbing and you immediately know his life story and inner thoughts enough to go on dates with him.
OP I think you're experiencing a pendulum effect. You've had some shit guys so now you need guys to be perfect in every way. You're so afraid of being hurt that you now demand that the guy be a sure thing before you consider him?
How's that supposed to work OP? I was raised in a viciously abusive household. Guess what, Mr. Abuser was mr Right and utterly perfect in every way for an entire year before he turned vicious on us.
My point is your conditions while understandable are unrealistic.
I mean you'd look in the other direction if I approached you because I was initially attracted to your body, face, eyes etc? But how can I be attracted to anything else about you when I don't know you? how can I like all of you until you've let me get close enough to get to know all of you?
I teach in a school, I'm a self made millionaire, have never cheated, have never abused anyone in my life yet because I don't appreciate exactly the things you want me to about a woman I don't know straight away I don't get a chance?
It's not me who loses out then.
I've been on the edge of despair many times OP, my life five minutes from ending. I've been hurt by people more than I care to remember in ways I hope no one ever has to endure but instead of closing myself off to the world I decided to bite back by being willing to take the risk of being hurt again, after learning each individual lesson and giving the right people a chance to show me who they really are. The difference between me and you is I don't have a list of things I want, only a list of deal breakers.
So a woman only likes me because I'm ripped, let's see if she likes anything else I have to offer after she gets to know me.
So she doesn't football, or video games, or metal music, let's see if we can find common ground by dating and let's see if we can work regardless.
OP there's nothing wrong with wanting a good stable, marriage material guy. My point is it takes time and effort to find that out. Dating is a risk, it will never not be a risk.
In fact Mr. Right could turn into vicious psycho after a year and no one not even your friends would see it coming. Maybe he'll develop a drug addiction or is secretly a serial killer.
OP look, just don't look for perfection, you will not find it and maybe you should look closer at the traits or situations you had with those guys who hurt you and learn some lessons from those.
For example if you're the kind of woman who gets very attached, very quickly then gets hurt when things don't work out then slow down emotionally, keep more distance when dating and see the person less frequently.
OP if you look back at the times guys hurt you, you'll see why, you'll see things you can improve and you will see things that you did wrong or could do in the future to prevent that happening again.
But I have to refute Chigirl OP. She's wrong in the sense that you're going to find it extremely hard to find a guy who wants to wait until marriage, on top of that you won't even commit to a relationship until you're certain he's marriage material?
So what's the plan here then OP, not date until it's love at first sight, not date until he ticks all the boxes? Including the very strict marriage sex thing?
Best of luck OP. Maybe Ryan Gosling will knock on your door. Because right now no guy has a chance with you, because your Mr right will not be noticeable to you soon enough to ever take a chance with him.
OP no risk, no reward. My fiancée would never have considered me as a partner, bald, broke, 9 years older, fat, lazy, opinionated man. While she is driven, very successful, fiery, determined and very ambitious. Over time she got to know me, the real me and how the person she thought I was, while I didn't fit into her mental mould of perfection, is in fact perfect for her. Because beyond those I'm as loyal as a dog, protective, funny, fun, intelligent, caring, we have the exact same sense of humour, the same paths in life and we work amazingly well in contrast to each other too. You may never get to know if that can happen with you because you're not willing to take the chance.
You're young OP, there's no panic, relax, enjoy your life and see where it takes you.
I grew up like you OP, I know pain and I know how easy it is to let that make you fearful of life. I don't call what you have standards OP, I call it fear. You've made the decision about this based on fear and it means you'll never take a risk and there are no sure things in life OP.
Do some more thinking about this and think if the conditions you have set are too strict. Whether you've swung so far over in the other direction you're condemning yourself to the pain of solitude romantically instead. Who knows, I could be completely wrong and you meet Mr Right tomorrow. I just don't see that happening.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 May 2013):
Dear OP,
No, I don't think you're foolish by holding out for Mr. Right.
Just be aware that sometimes you won't see right away if someone could become the right partner for you. It takes a little time to see the qualities and potential in someone. So, don't dismiss someone who's really nice just because there's a minor problem or you make too many assumptions about him.
In the end, there's always the difficulty with "Mr.Right": On one hand it's very reasonable to have high expectations when it comes to choosing a partner. On the other hand, sometimes we make unrealistic expectations because we want to protect ourselves from any possible harm. So, you will need some time to find the balance between saying "no" to those that aren't "boyfriend"-material.. and between saying "yes" to a man that could become your mr. right, even if he's not a 100% of what you expected.
Wish you good luck!
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A
female
reader, Mysterium +, writes (28 May 2013):
Oh my God! I came on dearcupid to ask/write something similar to your question!
I feel like I am the same way and because we have such set choices and we are so serious about them, not a lot of people, the kinds we would like, come across our way. There will always be guys who like you, but thats not even the point.
I think you should stick with it. I know I will, especially after reading your question. Just to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this gives me courage to hold on to what I feel is right for me. And I think you should totally hold on to what you think is good for you. Its really hard at times because my friends have boyfriends all the time and I'm just sitting here and nothing is happening. It gets annoying, but I feel like I wouldn't be comfortable living with dating someone just for the heck of it.
So hang in there! I'm absolutely positive you will find what you are looking for. :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 May 2013):
 I just look at your age... and I wonder why you are fretting out. You're too young to be worrying about finding love, it'll come to you. Believe it or not, most people do not find the love of their lives that young.
"I don't want to get a boyfriend unless there's a chance it could lead to marriage and he's a really, really nice person. I just couldn't love anyone who only liked me for my body (or even the fun parts of my personality) and wasn't committed"
And you're NOT the only one! Your request isn't unreasonable at all, and fully possible to achieve. You know what you want, and nothing wrong, weird, or unachievable about it. With that attitude you're gonna get what you're aiming for. In fact, more young women should think like you do and stop being naive enough to think that a man "loves" you as long as he wants to sleep with you...
I happen to think your standards are a little low actually. You go for someone who is marriage-potential, but the way I see it you're just aiming for boyfriend-material. All of the non-dateable ones you mention.. well, any girl with any form of self respect wouldn't go near such a guy. So if anyone were to think of that as boyfriend-material, then they are the foolish ones.
The way I see it you're aiming for boyfriend-material. Which should be your minimum, since that's what you want. If you want marriage-material you have to aim even higher. Go for guys who are steady, dedicated, know what they want, knows how to express it, are mature, and aren't afraid to tell you that they too are looking for someone to marry, and who take their good time in getting to know you.
However, just a little tip from me. You are ambitious you say, so you probably would want to finish your education, and get a clear understanding of where you are going career-wise, before you marry. Your future job might force you to change location and so on. Any boyfriend you would have for the next 5+ years would be someone you'd leave anyway, most probably. So, why look for someone to marry if that's not in the near future? Why not just aim for a boyfriend to share some good times with? Of course, a high quality one, but not necessarily your "soulmate match made in heaven"-type of man. Just someone you're having a great deal of fun with, make some memories, and enjoy your time with before you head off into your career?
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