A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for over ten years and have 2 kids. For the last two years I have been unhappy in the marriage. When I started thinking about divorce, I went to my wife and would tell her things that were bothering me and that i would like to change. She would answer with "i'm not changing who I am for anyone"or "hows that working for ya". After two years of that, she started realizing i was done and we decided we both wanted a divorce. We are still having to live together for finacial reasons. My friends and family say that i am not myself when she is around because i walk around on pins and needles when she is there with me. Her own mom takes my side and says she is a "bi**h". Now that we have decided we are done, she acts like she wants me to stay. She is trying to be nicer and more loving but i don't feel that way about her anymore. He keeps telling me i am being cold hearted towards her now and that i won't try and she is. I just think to myself "thats the same way i felt when i tried talking to her about our problems in the past". I don't want to hurt her. i do still love her as the mother of our children just not in the way she wants. Now, although i don't love her in that way and i tried for two years, she is making me feel guilty. I hate to see her hurting but i feel that everyone should be happy and do it without having to change who they really are. Am i being cold hearted??
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (30 November 2011):
 You already done your trying.. You told her what was needed to save the marriage, her answer was "hows that working for ya", badly so therefore divorce.She's a woman you share a house with, she's a woman who you share kids with, that's it. You owe her and the kids your financial support, you owe her politeness and the respect you give to any human being. Get the divorce asap, even if you live in the same house. You talked, she agreed to a divorce, your now a single man, what you have now is separation, that means you just need to do the paperwork.Your not cold-hearted, she's not your woman anymore. Right now she's a nearly divorced woman and she's trying to seduce a single man who isn't interested in being with her.Make that very clear. Yep easy to be nice for a little while, but when you say ok, lets stay married, she'll turn right back again. As she said, "i'm not changing who I am for anyone", yep she's being nice, but I don't think her views have changed.Your family and friends can say all kinds of things, they don't have to live with her, they don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage... you done the talk, talk, she didn't care, now do the walk, walk and go and get a lawyer.Hell, it's not that bad, if your feelings change, or she really works hard and changes herself, you two can date again or something.. but it will be as two single people. Why feel guilty, you don't owe her nothing. She broke the bargain when she didn't think it was important to work with you and make her wedding vows come true. The love contract is broken, don't let emotional blackmail make you stay and be unhappy until the day you die.. now that really would be a wasteps: Difficult living in the house.. have you got a spare bedroom, can you move things around and get a lodger to move in and pay with the bills, then you can move out and live somewhere else. When you divorce, you got to think clearly about money, life has to change, sacrifices has to be made by everybody. Maybe if you got parents alive, you can go stay with them for a bit, until you are settled and on your feet, it'll be cheap and you'll be able to help your ex-wife financially.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (30 November 2011):
 Hi,
You are a really nice person, and I hope you can find happiness and peace. You were honest with your wife in regards to your marriage for years, shows you do care, you are responsible, and shows you have character, and integrity. I guess you spoiled your wife too much....
It's sad that took her so long to realize that she had an amazing man besides her. I know it hurts to see her this way. After all, at one point in life you were in love with her, and she's the mother of your children. She's just like any human being. She's trying to rekindle the marriage, and win you back. Not having her way makes her angry, so in desperate attempt she's accusing you of being cold hearted, so you will feel guilty.....
This is an uncomfortable situation, and you must be feeling horrible all the time. It's probably exhausting.... Just know that you tried your best, actually you were very patient staying in an unhappy marriage for the past 2 years. I think it's time for you to have a chance to be happy, and do what's best for you. I wish you and your family happiness. I hope you, and your wife can go through this difficult time in the best way possible, being civil, respectful with each other.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): No one MAKES you feel anything, you CHOOSE to feel whatever it is you feel. You enable this woman and financial reasons of staying in same home- well your self esteem, your mental and emotional health, worth it?Get some counselling ASAP. There are many agencies that offer free to a sliding scale of counselling so no excuses.You need some perspective, emotional/mental support, some self esteem tricks and insight to get strong, healthy and make a healthy decison to FINANLY END IT And WALK.You can love someone but you don't have to like them. You can love someone just not romantically, which I suspect is the case. Her years of emotional abuse have killed the trust and all that was once beautiful (?).Counselling, get strong, make a healthy decision. Take back your life and happiness.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 November 2011):
You've been anything but cold hearted. You tried for a long time to talk about this with her, and she wasn't open to it. And now she isn't happy and wants it to change - but it's too late. Worse still, she's just guilt-tripping you. There isn't any real love from her either.
You've given it your best shot, you've tried to fix it, you've been honest and now you're putting up with her behaviour. She has been cruel, she has been spiteful, and now I think she's just keeping you around for financial reasons.
My opinion is that you shouldn't put up with it anymore. You deserve to be happy. Be the best father you can to your children, but live your own life away from her.
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