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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Sorry this is going to be long; thank you in advance for reading and for your answers.I’ve been dating my bf for about 2 yrs now. He’s always been a little clingy and overbearing, but I attributed that to the fact that he’s had a disturbed childhood (he lost his dad very early on). We’ve discussed our past, our ex’s and he recently told me he had spent around 5000 euros on her in the one year that they were together!! Apparently she told him she was “poor” but he’s himself told me she was a gold digger, who had parallel affairs with other guys when she was with him. He says he knew about all this yet chose not to question her. When I ask him why, he just shrugs it off. Now keep in mind he was a student at the time of this first relationship, so wasn’t earning anything, yet he spent so much on her. He bought her clothes, train tickets for her visits back home during holidays, paid for their outings, etc. She once pointed to a dress in a high-end store and “wished” she could have it; he bought it for her a month later on her birthday. He says the day that she “left” him, he bought her a ticket that day as well, although he was sick in bed. Basically she was the “babe in the woods” and perennial “damsel in distress”. Whenever he’s told me about her, he’s been slightly sad about the fact that he was “exploited”, but that was about it.What disturbs me is not his past, but the way that he’s been with me. This guy has never, EVER spent a dime on me, on any lunches/dinners, not even for a cup of coffee, even though he earns a decent amount of money now. I don’t want his money, I make enough to live comfortably, my parents have a house in the suburbs, they’re both in high paying jobs. By the grace of God, I’ve never wanted anything. My bf knows all of this very well, and he thinks I’m some self financed snob and that I don’t need anything. I don’t, but don’t I even deserve to be asked for a cup of coffee, without splitting the tab in half? He didn’t mind spending a bomb on some girl who he knew was lying to him and stuffing him up with total bullshit, but he’s never, ever, EVER bothered to do anything for me!! He tells me he intends marrying me, I’ve met him mom, everything is fine. But why this huge difference in attitude?? I’m not here to rip the guy off, he knows I’m independent, but don’t I even deserve to be asked?? He’s even split the cost of a sandwich with me, because I’v always offered from the beginning of our relationship, and he’s taken it.Am I being cheap here and over-reacting? Or does my boyfriend not give me the respect that I deserve? When I asked him about it, he said she “deserved the sympathy”and apparently I don’t. What the hell does that mean? If you’re independent and a take-charge kinda person, people just walk over you???!! I've given him gifts, I've loaned him money when he needed it, I've always been there for him. But I dont get anything in return. If I gift him something, he gifts me something back in a few days,of roughly the same amount of money that I had given him. But he's never bought me anything first. I mean, I am going to maybe marry this guy someday, who hasnt even offered to foot the tab of a lunch when out with me!! Am I the only one who thinks this is weird??
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affair, cheap, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): Hi, I am the original poster of this question. Thank you all for your responses. I know money is a huge reason for relationship problems. I was completely clueless as to why this otherwise extremely caring guy was such a cheapskate. CindyCares, your answer was very helpful. I know now that his previous experience had embittered him to a huge extent and as you said, a scalded cat dreads cold water. Actually I had never thought of it in that way. I had a talk with him a day after the BIG FIGHT, the same day I had posted the question. Thanks to your response, I was able to tackle him in the right way. He admitted that maybe somewhere deep down he was scared of being rejected despite doing everything right. He said he knew he was wrong to have splurged on her the way that he did, but he never realized how much it had hurt me.I will never give up on my relationships without giving it all I have. Once we clarified it all, he said he wanted to make up for everything. He gifted me a phone the next day. It was very surprising because I'm not used to getting anything ever! But he insisted I have it. He hasn't allowed me to pay for any outing since, but I don't want it to be a burden on him; I'm going to pay whenever I think I should. I just wanted the gesture and I have it now. Thank you once again for your answers!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): How do you know that the story of his ex is true? Maybe he has made it up as an excuse to do not spend for you. My ex boyfriend was cheap but not like your boy friend and I couldnt take it, I ended the relationship just because of that and I am so happy that I did. I am very generous and that was so hard for me to deal with a guy who shakes over spending a small amount of money while I was student and he had a really good job, I still hate it. My husband is very generous and im so happy about it, that was one the most important things for me for making a decision for marriage.Always remember you can't fix this problem, people are generous or they are not and its so difficult to live with someone like him. I think you should break up and move on. Find someone who really is a MAN!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 A scalded cat dreads cold water. I think the bad experience with his ex has got a lot to do with his attitude towards money now. He may think he got over having been exploited, or he may even really be over what happened. Nonetheless , he must have got in his head, more or less subliminally , that he'll never put himself in the position to be exploited again- split bills for everything from then on.
Whatever his reasons are, I'd think about it very well before getting married to him.
An awful lot of marriages crash and burn not over dramatic issues ( addictions, abuse, etc.) or even over cheating, but over money. different ideas and attitudes about spending, saving, gift giving, generosity etc. It becomes a big deal , when you live together and are confronted daily with different ways to deal with money.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 April 2011):
 you mean to tell me that in two years he's never paid for a date?I know if it was ME personally I'd be rethinking this relationship.My current bf makes less than I do. He pays for our meals. He gifts me things (to the point that I tell him to stop) I gift him right back to be honest... when you love someone you want to spoil them.
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