A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid am I being a hypocrite?I am 19 years old and dating a 45 year old man (3 wonderful weeks). Our relationship is very healthy and happy and wonderful and I couldn't ask for better.My younger cousin Elise is 18 and has been dating a 26 year old guy for like 5 months, and it makes me feel a bit sick and angry. I know it sounds dumb but I always think "What's a 26 year old man doing with an 18 year old GIRL?"Like I'm 19 but I'll be 20 in 8 months so technically I'm a teenager but since I'm turning 20 I'm not really anymore. So a 20 year old dating a 45 year old is a LOT differnet than a teenie (18) dating a man (26)I told Elise that I am uncomfortable with her relationship and that she just wouldn't understand that I'm right until she's older which is true. Elise says I am being hypocritical and unsupportive and has cut off communication with me because I "can't let it go and let her be happy," in her own words.I dont find myself hypocritical, she's only 18 and has so much growing to do and she'll thank me someday am i right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): I agree with all the other Aunts on this page. Wonderful advice! Your cousin is 18, you are 19 coming 20. Doesn't sound like much of an age difference between the both of you. She is an adult like yourself and she can choose whomever she dates. So she does has a right to be irked. You are 'the pot calling the kettle black" and you don't appear to have a lot of respect nor family loyalty for her. What is the problem between you and this cousin? It does sound like some petty, foolish feelings are afoot here, that may have been building long before this. really assess that and learn to understand why you are this way. It' takes a big person to admit when they are wrong...a even bigger person to go and 'right that wrong'. Go and apologise to her, give her a hug and tell her--"I was wrong' and lay this to rest. She is your family and they are precious.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2007): I'm sorry but this logic completely blows wad.
You are a hypocrite. Who are you to make the rule that it's okay what you are doing and therefore seize this oppurtunity to deem yourself greater than your cousin.
18 is closer to 26 than 19 is to 45. Even if you are 20...it does not mean you magically become some woman who knows and sees all and therefore, you have a right to feel superior over your younger cousin.
I say if the man makes her happy you should support that.
All I get is that you and her have been in competition for so long and it has turned you bitter. You are family so grow up and snap out of this garbage.
JUST BE HAPPY.
End of it.
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A
female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (15 March 2007):
I didn't make any assumptions - I asked a very simple question as to why you both were attracted to older men.
Your strong response to the asking of that question strikes me as a little defensive. What are you being defensive about? Why is the very idea so offensive to you?
One thing about young people is that they haven't had very many years to learn self awareness and hardly any years at all to get a perspective on how their relationship with their parents has actually impacted on them.
Maybe one day, in 20 years time, you'll be sitting with your therapist and remember this question, and think to yourself "goodness, that woman was right all along".
Or, you could take this information and assess it critically and get yourself a headstart.
Anyway, it's your life. Enjoy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): You can't blame chachacha for thinking that, it is a huge age gap and I'd be inclined to think the same.
Read your question back as if it were someone else's, I think you'll agree that you are coming across very hypocritical indeed and I think you know it if you think about it for a while. So no, I don't think she will thank you one day, it is unsurprising she has stopped talking to you. People don't learn from arguments, they learn from experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): Chachacha, first off, she is not my sister, she's my cousin. Secondly, who are you to make assumptions about our relationships with our (SEPERATE PAIR) of parents? Just so happens that we come from very loving and wonderful parents. Neither of us is looking for a daddy, so how dare you even assume so!
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (15 March 2007):
Yes, you are being hypocritical.
Second, you are only 1 year older than her, and what gives you the right to tell her (unasked) what you think of her relationship? She will not thank you.
Third, what do you think a 45 year old is doing with you?
I am 39 and I think anyone under 30 is a kid when I meet them! There is no way in a million years I could ever have anything other than a parent-style relationship with someone that young, and parent-style relationships are not healthy.
What are you trying to get from him? Interesting, isn't it, that your sister is also doing the same thing - have neither of you had the love you wanted from your parents, so now you are just about old enough, you are off finding replacement parents, the pair of you?
One other thought, what is the 45 year old's relationship history? Does he always go out with younger girls? If so, just remember that in a couple of years time, he'll dump you for a younger model - don't think it'll be any different this time! Sorry!
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (15 March 2007):
 Very hypocritical. Those few months you got on her make no difference whatsoever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): In some ways you are but your only looking out for someone that you love but if your cousin is happy with her boy friend then let her be think about how you would feel if someone was trying to take your lover away from you how would you feel being you love him so much.To the larw when your 18 your an adult so let her learn from her own masakes.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 March 2007):
 Whoa.
If you were going to turn 20 in three months, you could say you were nearly twenty. But you're not. You've got more than halfway to go, so let's not charge the bullet on that one! You're still 19. And you've got a long wait.
So, you think your cousin Elise is going to understand your decision, and thank you when she's older - like you, right? So, in eight months when she's 19, she'll see the light? You guys ARE close in age. VERY close You and your cousin are only months apart. Even if it's 14 or fifteen months apart... you guys are on nearly the same level, have just about the same brain strength... both legal adults, but not old enough to drink.
I think you're being VERY hypocritical. I'd be saying, "what's a 45 year old man doing with a 19 year old GIRL?" myself, but I can't judge your relationship. If it works, it works. If you're happy, you're happy. And I extend the exact same sentiments to your cousin... He isn't more than double her age! You've got a 26 year old difference! He's old enough to be your father.They're only 8 years apart! Almost in the same generation!
You've both still got "teen" tagged onto the end of your age. So to answer your question, yes. I do think you're being hypocritical. You should be happy for your cousin that she - like you - has found someone she enjoys being with.
xxIndia
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (15 March 2007):
 You are very much a hypocrite I'm afraid! You are technically only a few months older than your cousin and she will be the same age as you in a few months. You're dating a man 24 years your senior yet you condemn your cousin for dating someone 8 years older than her??? You have been dating this man for 3 wonderful weeks. Your cousin has been dating her man for 5 wonderful months. Give your cousin a break and practise what you preach!
Eve
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