A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been with my girlfriend now for six months, she has two kids to a guy she split from over a year ago. They came to an agreement after they broke up that he would collect the kids and have them stay at his house every weekend. Since me and her got together his interest in the kids has lessened and lessened until after a few weeks he didn't have any contact with them at all for about four months. My girlfriend had run around all the time contacting him about having the kids and he's made excuse after excuse why he can't. Eventually my girlfriend phoned him and told him she's had enough of him letting the kids down and seeing them upset because he's not been keeping to his word, and that she wants him to return any belongings of the kids from his house and she doesn't want him seeing the kids again because he's not coming in and out of the kids lives when it please him. Apparently he agreed and said fine, he doesn't care. So things went quiet for a couple of weeks until his birthday and he phoned my girlfriend asking if he can have the kids for his birthday, reluctantly she agreed after he promised never to let them down again. He didn't see them on his birthday but he did have them for a few days on the run up to Christmas. The day my girlfriend went to collect them from his house she came back home to me angry and upset because it was two days until Christmas and he hadn't bought the kids any gifts or even a Christmas card. So that was that, he hadn't been in contact since, not even on Christmas day to ask how the kids were or wish them happy Christmas. Me and my girlfriend had a lovely Christmas together with the kids and my girlfriends family, no mention of the ex since before Christmas but then out of the blue on boxing day, she phones him up all nice asking how his new job is going and if he had a nice Christmas etc. I felt like I'd just been punched in the stomach for being there for six months and doing more for my girlfriend and the kids than he had ever done in the three years they were together. So I express how it made me feel upset and hurt and she completely didn't understand how I felt. She began arguing with me saying I'm just jealous of the ex and insecure over her being friendly with him, which is not the case. I'm not a jealous or insecure person, but out of principle if nothing else, she didn't have to contact him asking how his Christmas was and his new job is going, and just showing a general interest in his life when he can't even be bothered to make a phone call every now and then to speak to his kids, let alone buy them a gift each for Christmas. I really do not think I'm overreacting or being unreasonable about this, it did hurt. I've been a second parent to those kids for six months while their real father is too busy keeping his time and effort to his selfish self, and i get pushed out like that. Just for the record (I've kept my opinions to myself about this I've not mentioned it to her) I bought my girlfriend an expensive necklace for Christmas and I didn't even get so much as a thank you from her when she opened it on Christmas day, only a little kiss on the cheek. Although she said she likes it she admitted she thought and was hoping it was an engagement ring. If that isn't ungrateful and disrespectful I don't know what is!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): Hello wiseowle and thanks for your detailed reply, you make a lot of sense and hit the nail on the head about a few things. We've actually known each other for over ten years and fell in love and had an emotional romance (nothing physical or official) eight years ago, but there was an age difference between us which made it difficult for us to be together, so we went our separate ways. We got back in touch on Facebook earlier this year to discover that she lives only 10-15 minutes walk away from where I live (strangely enough). So we was chatting and agreed to meet up as friends but almost instantly we fell back in love and decided to give a relationship a shot since we are both adults now and were single (she was 14 and I was 22 when we first fell in love all them years ago, hence why we couldn't be together back then).There isn't any feelings more than just care for her ex (as the father of her kids), she's always said this and I believe her on this. He was heavily on drugs and alcohol their whole relationship and was always broke and resorted to stealing from her and the kids to feed his habits and basically left her and their kids with nothing the majority of the time and was never home. She split from him over a year ago and she's quite stubborn, once she makes her mind up about something there's no changing it. So once she ended it they both knew it was for good. I realise I have no rights and no say in her decision to allow him the opportunity to be a part of his kids life and I've never had an issue with that. I totally agree she should have made legal arrangements for him to see the kids a long time ago. I've always suggested this to her but for some reason she's never seemed keen on that idea, and I can't force her to do something she doesn't want to do i guess. She and I, and the ex all know he won't make good on his promise to keep regular steady contact with the kids and it's only a matter of time before he loses interest again and disappears he's done it so many times before he's pretty much predictable. I suppose she will wake up when the time comes and it finally hits her in the face that he's never going to be a positive influence in the kids lives, and they will be better off without him. She says she's serious about a long term future with me in her and the kids lives, and she's as happy as she's ever been now that I'm back in her life. She's even told me that in the six months we've been together the kids have built a stronger bond with me than they have with their own father (which is no surprise since I've been constantly in their lives since me and her got back in contact). I really don't get why if she tells me she's serious about me being a long term presence in hers and the kids lives, is she still clutching onto him hoping he will be a decent father figure to the kids which he clearly isn't capable of. Maybe she values her breaks on the weekends from the kids, which I totally understand since she has them all week long most of the time, or maybe she doesn't like the thought of him escaping his share of the responsibility to the kids, which I understand too. But there has to be another way than this mess. I'm so close to telling her I'm ready to take a step back from this until she finds a solution to this emotional conflict or whatever it is going on inside her. I feel bad though because it will mean walking out of the kids lives for awhile but at the same time I can't bare the resentment I feel towards her right now over continually giving him more credit than he deserves. I feel I deserve better than this and I feel it maybe a long time before she realises what's important and makes the right changes. Thanks again for the response it's much appreciated. Ps, your friend sounds like a diamond even though you haven't said too much about her. I'm sure she will find the man she deserves when the time is right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): Six months is not a very long time, my friend. Your girlfriend only broke up with her ex a year before she met you. They share kids, so that will prolong her recovery from their separation. Her feelings will go in and out. He is after-all, the father of her kids. It's hard to let go when that person is still around. He did you both a favor when he was distant for awhile, giving you room to establish your relationship. However; he is a neglectful father.
Your girlfriend wasn't ready for a relationship when you came along. She found you on the rebound. She may have been teasing you when she said she'd hoped the present was an engagement ring, she knows you haven't known each other long enough. If she was serious, you've got a nutcase on your hands. There is too much drama going on here. She's using the kids as bait to keep him in her life. Her affiliations with their father should be civilized, appropriately-distant, and protective of the children's well-being and welfare.
You're a top-notch guy. You've added stability to her life, and the life of her kids. Unfortunately, you've stepped into a puddle of baby-mama drama. You have every right to feel resentful that she is cozening-up to her ex; but she could be trying to sweet-talk him back into her kids lives.
She really should seek legal-action for financial child-support; and stop with the fly-by-night negotiations with her ex. The children are going to be psychologically-affected by his sporadic comings and goings into their lives. However; you are a great substitute when he gets flaky. Don't consider yourself his replacement. Not so!
You should not put up with her disrespect. However; you also must take some responsibility for inserting yourself into a relationship involving a single-mother with ex-boyfriend issues. The signs have been there the whole time. They didn't just crop-up. You must let her know that if she doesn't make you feel respected and appreciated, you have no reason to stay. You don't intend to compete with her ex-boyfriend, if she is not completely over him; and using her kids as the excuse to cling to him for herself.
Mind your tongue about and around the children. What you need to say to her should never be within earshot of her children. Your opinions about how her relationship with their father directly effects you is totally valid. You're not a third wheel, you're the front-wheel now.
His only involvement and importance is to his children.
She does have to maintain civility toward him; and she may have said some things to him that pissed him off which could explain his absence. You may not be getting the whole story. There are always two-sides.
My advice to you is to quietly observe. Too much talk will cause you a lot of problems; if you don't have all your facts straight. You do have to keep a line of communication going with this woman to determine where you rank in her life. If you're playing second-fiddle to her ex, you'll figure that out. If she spends too much time sweet-talking to him, I would recommend that you carefully exit her life. Be sure that you are extremely nice to the children upon your departure. They are innocent-bystanders, and the adults in their lives are the ones who are all screwed-up. You being the exception. You're a great guy, and have handled this very well so far. Too bad you're in the UK, I know a wonderful twenty-eight year-old single-lady doing her doctorate in genetics, and needing a nice-guy like you. She's a beaut! She's total sunshine in my life. I'm gay and too old for this lovely woman. Like a daughter to me!
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