A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi, i would be grateful of some advice about the situation i am in pls, my b/f and i have been on and off for 14 years he lives with his mum and works full time i am living in a house with our daughter who is 13 i am 31 he is 33. the relationship has been very difficult, he came to me and wanted to try again and i was not wanting to but he wore me down with tears and constant txin. so i gave in and surprisingly settled with him, its now 6 mths later and i was sold a scrap car by a garage which i used my last 1200pound to get it was electrical faults. anyway he lives at his mums still and comes round every night and will sometimes put electric in the meter and buy litle bits from our local shop but thats it. he says he dosnt have to contribute because he doesnt live here and now i am without a car living in the country and may have to give up my home as i cant get to a job. i asked him last night if he would take out a loan for 800 so i can get a little car i would pay it back i have no job to get a loan myself and without a job cant save for one, so i might have to leave and go back to my mums. i really dont want this but he said i could sell him my furniture as hes got a place coming up. am i asking to much after 14 years pls any ideas Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Dear Anonymous Poster,
I'm almost speechless, feeling overwhelmingly sad at this situation you're in, and as for..Are you asking for too much?? NO, you are NOT ASKING ENOUGH, or what you are ENTITLED TO.
So you have been with this 'BOY' for 14 years, which makes you around 19-20ish when you met, ok we can all make mistakes about peoples qualities, character etc initially, but this is clearly NOT a healthy relationship. He is immature, lacking any drive or ambition, ability to stand on his own two feet, or PROVIDE for his daughter as any father SHOULD or would if he had any ounce of integrity and standards. In addition to this he still lives with his Mother..which I'm afraid TELLS the whole story!
I'm so sorry you are struggling financially and you poor girl, ending up with a dud car too..Oh life sometimes.
Ok I will give you some practical advice in a minute, but first lets deal with this 'SECOND CHILD' you have tagging along draining you of any positive thought for life.
Fourteen years is a long time to have put up with such a man, I do not understand WHY you have, WHY in all this time, there has not been any plan for a normal relationship to build, especially as you have a child. To a certain extent, YOU have permitted HIM to act and treat you like this, sorry, I know you are very low right now, and not in a good place, but I WANT you to LOOK at this objectively, NOT with defence, you are not being attacked. But I am trying to get you to see this man is completely lacking in any moral fiber, and remaining with him, living and thinking as HE DOES, will only drag you further and further down.
He lives with his mother because she no doubts does everything for him, cook, clean, iron, pick-ups and allows to him do what he wants when he wants, without ever really having to answer to anyone..including you. On top of this he probably lives very cheaply too, and you don't mention IF he has a good job, but Is suspect NOT, probably in and out of jobs too over the last few years, never acting with any responsibility, as though he's still a child, which I'm afraid both YOU and his MOTHER have allowed.
As for any ideas, YES I do - GET RID OF HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE! When are you going to take control and not allow him to continue in this come and go FREE approach to his responsibilities???
PRACTICAL SIDE, as you need some help right NOW! The Citizen advice bureau CAN help to give you FREE advice and help on your present situation financially.
http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
SINGLE PARENT SUPPORT - expert free advice: http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/
http://www.onespace.org.uk/
FINANCIAL HELP: http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Moneyandworkentitlements/YourMoney/DG_4003043
EMOTIONAL HELP: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
I have no idea if you receive any benefits, but if you do you can get FREE counselling to help you through this period of stress.
CHILD SUPPORT: http://www.csa.gov.uk/
The money saving expert website has information about debt crisis - he's the guy who advises on BBC radio and TV.
Take a look: http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan
These are a start for you, which I hope, some, if not all will help you, or at least point you in the right direction.
I ma appalled this man should suggest you sell furniture to him to help you maintain and provide for your daughter, it is just utterly inexcusable. He should WANT to provide and ensure you and his daughter don't suffer, but then he has already proven he's NO CATCH. Please DON'T ever settle for any man in your life, be very, very selective, it pays off in the end.
Please, please come back and let me know how you get on. I'm so sorry, wish I could do more.
Jilly x
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (9 December 2010):
 Does the word ''deadbeat dad'' resonate? Your daughter has a father who does not want to be a father nor a responsible man. That must really hurt her. Your child's father and your bf does not want to take responsibilty for anything. Just wants to live like a teenager and pop home to Mom to wipe his nose when he comes home to her. I can envisage him not even making his own bed. You are trapped in this relationship but you and your daughter deserve a better life than this existence.
Hands off your furniture, and pay for the car outright. I want to tell this guy off, and i don't even know him. At the very least he should be paying a substantial amount each week for his daughter education, maintenance and care. Whether he lives there or not. Wherever you live he still has to pay child support. He is so irresponsible and selfish that he'll probably have to be ordered by a Court to get dna test, to enforce the paternity. See if there is a free community legal service who can help you with all this. Trust me it willl cost him far more than 800. Find out if the child support can be back dated- not sure if they can - but if so it is he who might have to take out a loan, not you. He will be sorry he never coughed up proper support for his daughter earlier. Grandma is also allowing her little boy to be irresponsible towards supporting his daughter, her grand daughter. I am so appalled at him that if your bf was a neighbor of mine my husband would have to tape my mouth shut every time i walked past your bf in the street. Don't think your bf would want to hear my condemnation of him. Too bad. Most of all i want to see him taken to Court for proper child support. I will try to calm down about this, but boy oh boy you need some local community support. Ask the council in your area if they know of any legal aid place in your area. Fingers crossed for your future.
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