A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Background: I haven't been in a relationship since I was in a multi-year-long tumultuous relationship in high school (my first and only). It was a physically and emotionally abusive relationship and I have avoided relationships for almost six years since that ended. Within the past year, my loneliness has caught up to me and I have tried dating again, but have never been on more than one date on the two different occasions which was filled with awkward silence.Story-time: Being a young person, I thought "Hey! Why not Tinder? I have nothing to lose." Matched with a guy a bit older than me but in a similar place life. We go on a date, it was a very natural talking to him and when we went to watch a movie at his home, he didn't pressure me into anything and gave me the first kiss I've had in, again, six years. We have a lot in common: similar interests, political views, overlapping professional trajectories. But something's off. He is fairly handsome, kind, intelligent, and by all logic he and I should be compatible. Since the first date, it has been almost three weeks since we have been "dating". He seems to be very into me, texting me everyday, hinting at Valentines Day plans, and asking me to meet his friends. I know that this is a good thing, so I found myself trying to open up to liking him more. On our last date, we progressed physically (I was hoping it would make me feel more of an emotional connection), and honestly, I was underwhelmed. I don't get butterflies in my stomach. Kissing him felt like a chore. When we went to sleep, all I could think of was "Why isn't this as fun as I want it to be?" He seems really happy and I don't know what is wrong with me. Since it has been only a couple of weeks, I have been arguing with myself as to whether my expectations for it are just too high or not.I always expected when I met someone that it would be passionate and immediate. Intensity. Since my previous relationship, I did some soul-searching and created a kind of idealized relationship for myself that I wanted in the future. Right now, I feel like a selfish person because even though this man is giving me all the attention I had wished for, I can't give him the same enthusiasm.Am I afraid of being happy? Am I just too used to crazy? Can we build a better chemistry? This is my first adult relationship, and to be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. I want to save him the grief of a drawn out fling if I can't build that attachment but I am also afraid that this confusion may just be temporary and I will regret breaking it off. Advice, anyone?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 January 2016):
 This is a difficult one to answer, maybe there is just no chemistry for you, and if that is the case, then yes off course you should end it and keep searching.
However it could also be possible that you are comparing it to your other relationship, which may have been abusive but it was normal to you. I wouldn't hurry in to ending this fling just yet if it was me. I would give it some time and see if feelings between you both grow, it has only been three weeks. Maybe give it another while and see if things heating up between you both. If not well then at least you can say you tried. Just be careful that you are not expecting to much from a relationship.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (25 January 2016):
 I don't think this is the right person for you. You have been out of the game for a while and naturally want everything to go well. Once you become more comfortable with dating your radar will operate better and you will be able to pick more winners. This guy doesn't sound too bad but isn't the right fit for you.
Let him down gently and keep looking. Do be careful with dates you find online or going back to their flats. There are an awful lot of weird people out there and they inhabit sites like Tinder. And yes, you do have something to lose. Classes, hobby groups, choirs etc are a calmer and non threatening way to meet others.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 January 2016):
 I don't think you can "create" or "male" chemistry. I think you either have it or you don't and from what you write it seems like you don't have it.
It might also be because you are somehow waiting for the other shoe to drop (as in for him to turn abusive).
I would probably end it, even though he does seem like a good guy. Or maybe you can try and SLOW down a little bit - 3 week is kind of fast to be intimate (if you ask me). And kissing feeling like a chore? Not a great sign.
Can't fake love and can't fake chemistry.
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