A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear allBasically my girlfriend of about 9 months has always told me she is a virgin. that when we have sex it will be her first time. However, she has recently told me that she has had sex with more than 1 previous boyfriend, but said that she never did anything as she didn't enjoy it so it doesn't count and wasn't "true and real".English isn't her first language so it's possible there is a language problem, however she said she had never experienced anything with a man before.I honestly dont care about if she has or not, the issue is that she lied to me previously. when we started dating the only thing i requested was that we would always be honest with each other (as previous relationship problems led me to ask that). so i feel quite betrayed. is it acceptable for me to feel this way? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2016): @ elise96Dearcupid and other advice columns all over the internet are packed full of people spending years in emotional turmoil over those little white lies. Its not unusual to hear about people hurting every day over things that happened literally decades ago. You have no idea what you speak about when you brush off the impact these things can have. That viewpoint is selfish and it causes a lot of hurt in this world. If you want freedom to live your sex life however you want then you must accept responsibility for the consequences of your choices later. You are not entitled to decide what other people should respect or be attracted to. Lying to someone about your past until they are too emotionally involved to break up over it will take care of the problem - for one of you.
A
female
reader, ellsie96 +, writes (25 January 2016):
 To be honest, I know some people wouldn't agree with me, but I don't think it's that big of a deal.OF COURSE, it does suck to be lied to, and you have every right to feel betrayed by her.But what I'm saying is I know lots of friends who have been embarrassed to tell boyfriends their 'body count', how many people they've had sex or sexual relations with, but it wasn't some big scheme to lie to them about everything.It was one little white lie to make sure that their partner wouldn't find them less attractive, and down the line they usually told the real truth.You say you don't care about her not actually being a virgin so I would just look at it as she was maybe trying to save herself and yourself some embarrassment, as we all know the previous relationships conversations can be, and maybe she was worried you would judge her? I know I've been that way with relationships before, even if the person is really nice and I know deep down they wouldn't care!All I'm saying is from a girls perspective, it may seem bizarre to you that she would lie, and may point to some serious character flaws, but to me it's something that makes sense, and it just a small little lie, not a projection of her whole personality.Talk to her about it - try and resolve the issue, I'm sure she never meant any harm :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 January 2016):
 Off course it is acceptable for you to feel this way. Lying to your partner that you are a virgin when you are not is a huge deal. I wonder what else she has lied to you about?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2016): You are justified for being concerned because she lied.
In situations like this you really need to watch out for the "trickle truth" game. As you keep digging she revises the story a little at a time until it ends up being nothing like what she told you the first time.
BTW: The V-word will make you automatically the bad guy in some people's eyes. Once that word shows up they won't really hear anything else you say. Be careful about using that word if you talk about this to anyone else.
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