A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I've been married 16 years. I was pressured into this marriage, and it's always been rocky. But I've chosen to make the best of things. My husband is an o.k. guy, but he has a temper and tends to take his anger out on me and teenage kids. (not physically) Especially when my opinion differs from his. I give back his medicine, and find it hard to not defend myself. Lately we've had problems with my teenage daughter. I'm trying to raise her into a responsible adult. (work ethic) and I'm a little strict on modest clothes. Things have built up that it's her and him against me for the last 8 months. I feel like she is the lady of the house, and I'm just there. We went shopping today and told her to clean her room when we got home. Anyways, a similar scenario happend: she didn't clean her room before bed, and I raised my voice at her to do it Now. My husband tells me I shouldn't be yelling, I'm handling things wrong...so I said well I might as well just leave. (this would be the 2nd time) So I left and am staying at a friends house. I want to make clear, I wasn't leaving my children, just leaving a hostile situation. I know it's hard on them (although they are independent high schoolers), and my husband accuses me of being a dead beat mom. Anyways, I just emailed him with this plan. I come home. Live downstairs. Don't want to be touched. I'm living their so kids won't suffer. I feel very immature writing this, but I've reached a breaking point. I'm willing to live like this for a couple years until they graduate. Actually, being distant with each other feels like a relief. Am I crazy to think this will work?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): I've calmed down now(feeling a bit numb), and went back home. It's been silent which I love. When I read my posts, I think 'save the drama for your mama'. But it was all Real feelings I needed to deal with, or I would end up crazy. How do people cope with a difficult marriage? there are many ways, drinking, anti-depressants, food, denial(losing yourself), leaving for good, surrounding yourself with people that care and help you through. Well, I'm choosing that last.
Thanks again to all 5* rating posters! pvtguy, I've had to read yours at least 4 times, and most:) of it I needed to hear. thank you. I hope you and your wife have a breakthrough, after all, you married for love.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (22 February 2009):
 Then go for help. Your resentment has peaked for whatever reason. If you get an outside opinion, and include your husband, at least you tried. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees and our own opinions are jaded. Don't give up yet and look at this as a positive step to complete this ordeal, one way or another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Hi Eddie,
I haven't slept one wink, and I'm shaking about this. I do think a 3rd person needs to be involved. How embarassing to admit 2 grown adults can't solve 'common sense' issues. It surely doesn't feel like a family unit at home. Like I said, my daughter (and I don't blame her) is above me. I'm tired of paying for all the sins other people have done to him. What I mean is, I'm accused of things I never do. I never once 'stole' money from him, but I don't get our checkbook. I don't mind having my own account, but his sister stole money from her husband, so now I get warned about this. Now I can't think clearly, but it's a build up of 18 years, and the teenager issues was it for me. His temper is his weakness (his father was worse), and I Know I don't have always have a soft answer to turn away his wrath. But I try. and I'm tired of it.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (22 February 2009):
Have you considered going to counselling, as a couple or by yourself? Perhaps even as a family. If you truly believe that your husband is not a bad guy it's possible you could save the marriage/family unit.
Since I don't know you personally, there could be some truth about what he says too. None of us are perfect and we all react to things differently. The fact you say he's an "ok" guy leads me to think there might be a little hope.
He may have reasons for his frustrations/temper but he does not have the right to blast everyone in sight when he gets angry. It is also possible though that he is provoked at some level and his temper is his weak point.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Thanks Gina, I'm feeling your hug, and letting the tears flow. Keeping my sanity, that's a must.:) He's already been told(recently), and agreed, that teenagers will turn parents against each other...I guess it hasn't sunk in yet...you're my favorite DC 'mom' I'm glad I didn't get my parents involved this time...Thanks DC
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): ...standing on the fence shouting their pains, not (stopping) to listen. You're getting through to me pvtguy. I think my husband and I are too much alike. I just feel I'm Always the one 'taking it'. There are 2 sides to our story, and you're only hearing my side. And yes, I know I hold some resentment with our marriage (I got pregnant), and I need to Let It Go. Probably most marriages would survive if we could learn to let it All go. Live for today...no one's perfect. Thanks for letting me vent tonight/today.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Well for 18 years(misprint on original)marriage, I've never witheld from him. This would be the 1st time. One of us has to be the mature one I know, but I can be stubborn on Major issues, and this qualifies for me. It's like stripping my mom authority-away. I'm so upset right now, and probably sound dillusional, but I think when women get older, feelings start to surface and they won't take it anymore. It's a real battle of the wills.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Thanks icelordess, you made me laugh, and I sure needed it.
My guess is he will 'want' to work things out to a deeper level if I hold back physical needs. Which I know guys don't think it's right. But I'm desperate here, and I'm trying Not to go the divorce route. It's 3:45am here and thanks for staying up!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): You're right, I'm tired of this battle. I want to give up, but I won't. I think I've gotten desperate with the wedge that (I believe) my husband put between me and my daughter. But shouldn't he be backing me up, even if I'm wrong? (then later talk to me in private) The way things are now, he gets her side 1st, instead of talking to me. Tonight she didn't even feel guilty about neglecting her room, and smarted off to me. Don't most husbands step in and say "Don't talk to your mom like that..."? I know if I keep a calm, cool, head, things are more in control (with teens). And I try, but things have gotten out of control.Thanks to both of you for advice.
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A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (22 February 2009):
 I don't know if it will work or not. But how will living downstairs keep your husband from undermining your authority? That's the main problem here, from what I can see.
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