A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I are in our early 50s and have been dating for several years. We have hugged but have never held hands or kissed, let alone made love. The first couple of years that we were dating, he had some health issues (including some problems that eventually required surgery and a year's recuperation time) that made carrying on any kind of social life difficult. I assumed that the lack of physical affection was due to his constant pain before the surgery, and to his fear of re-injuring himself afterwards.Once the medical issues were safely behind us, it took awhile for me to realize that there was more going on. I began to suspect that he just wasn't interested in a physical relationship. It was a long time before I was prepared to bring it up in conversation, because I wanted to be sure that I could handle whatever he said. He confirmed that he has no sexual feelings for me. Even though I thought I was prepared for his answer, I was devastated. I did some research and came to the conclusion that he is probably asexual; this led me to briefly consider finding a friend with benefits, but eventually rejected the idea because it feels like cheating to me. Recently I brought it up again, mentioning that physical affection is important to me, and that even if spending the night together is out of the question, that I need some sort of regular physical contact with him. He then dropped the bombshell that he cannot stand to be touched. Ever. Even though he now knows that I'm extremely unhappy with things the way they are.I've been able to deal with the lack of affection so far because I was overly optimistic and kept thinking that things would get better. Now I know there's no hope of that and I'm trying to decide what to do. I can imagine us tooling around in 30 years with our walkers; but I don't know if I can live the rest of my life with only a hug every month or so, and I know that I don't want to have to settle like that.On the other hand, I'm aware that statistically my chances of meeting someone else are decreasing rapidly, so I may very well be alone. It seems that being in a loving relationship will be preferable to not being in a relationship, whatever the flaws.Emotionally, we have a wonderful relationship. We love each other dearly, and he is loving and thoughtful in every other way. I really don't want to lose him. What do you suggest, Aunts? Would counselling help, even if I just go myself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, everyone, for your encouragement that I'm not expecting too much. If nothing changes, this is going to be a hard decision even with your support.
I'll bring it up again soon and let him know what's at stake here. I'm hoping that he'll be motivated enough to get counselling or whatever it takes to get through this. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 August 2012):
 He sounds like a lovely friend.
IF he can't stand to be touched he may be on the autistic spectrum.
I have a friend who is very sensitive to touch... she's my BFF for over 20 years and I think I have hugged her maybe 5 times over the years.. I'm a hugger and a kisser but she hates being touched... thankfully her hubby is ok with it and she does manage to have relations with him...
FOR ME... I could go without the sex... but lack of physical intimacy would be a deal breaker for me.
I like that we cuddle and kiss and that makes up for the minimal sexual experiences....
as for meeting another man...honey I'm 52.... getting married to my 4th husband in 5 weeks... he's 39... you will easily meet someone.... just be open to it.
I personally think that if he can't get past this you may have to move on.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 I'll respond based on personal experience.....
Two people who have wildly differing feelings/wants/needs and expectations about friendship/love/romance and intimacy CANNOT have a successful "relationship".... since one is always seeking - CRAVING - something that the other cannot, or will not, provide.....
I recommend that you and your B/F sit down and discuss just how you and he will resolve any issues that you, each, may have with one-another... and then, go on your separate ways...
Good luck. I predict that you will feel a mistral of fresh wind against your face as you begin what will really be your "new" life, under different circumstances...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 August 2012):
 I don't think you going to counselling on your own would help matters much, because it is him that has the problem here not you. I honestly think you both need to go to counselling, I am not sure if he would be up for that, but if he cannot stand being touched then there must be underlying reasons that need to be solved. He needs to see a therapist or counsellor regarding these issues, in fact it might be best he does it alone so that he can talk more openly.
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