A
female
age
30-35,
*ubyandsparks
writes:So I’m trying to analyse my own behaviour a bit here. Until recently I’d been in a three year relationship with a man. He was a classical musician so worked away a lot. When we first got together it was this exciting touring lifestyle he had that attracted me to him, but as years went on and I wanted to settle with him, it just got harder and harder. I realised after about a year that I was dating a man who was never going to make himself any more available to me. I knew I wasn’t happy with it, but I loved him and I so desperately wanted the relationship to work that i tried to forget that this was his choice to work away all over the world, and just accept that this was our lives. Eventually after three years we broke up for the exact reasons that were evident from the beginning. I felt heartbroken, but after a couple of months, all of a sudden this wall lifted and it was as if I was free! Free from all the panic about travel and moving away that I’d felt for the last three years. Recently I’ve been dating a new great guy, we get on super well, but he’s recently told me that he wants to move away in the long run. There’s not a job to sustain him here. I don’t know how I’ve managed to find myself in this situation again, and how I keep seeking to be attracted to the same type of guy! I feel like I invest so much so soon that I just can’t and don’t want to escape from them. I now stupidly feel like the only way to happiness is for this new guy to say he wants to stay here. As soon as I get in to any kind of relationship I feel trapped and like I need attention and approval from the current guy for happiness. All the things that bring me happiness when I’m single seem to be left at the side. I worry constantly that the man will be meeting better people than me when we’re apart etc, and constantly think what I can do to prove that I’m good enough for him (which I know myself is ridiculous!)I pride myself on being a strong woman (own my own home, good job etc) and I just don’t know how I have this element to my behaviour and where I can find the courage to change it?! Any suggestions would be great!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (22 February 2018):
 Do you think it might be the excitement of travel that you are attracted to. The mystery of him being away or where he might go next. You have carefully built yourself a very safe stable world. You love security, but you miss the excitement.
You have a bit of a problem there if I am right. You have a strong emotional need for security. But, you are strongly attracted to mystery. Not to delve too deeply into this, your emotional needs are stronger than your attractions. If you are not careful you will let your attractions Lure you away from the security you need. Either that or you need for security will hold you back from the attraction you crave.
You need to seriously consider ways you could have both. Can you be the safe harbor for the wandering sailor? Can you leave your safe nest to be with your love then return? Can you find a stable man who has enough edge to excite you? What do you think would work for you. I think we can safely rule out the freedom of the single life.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2018):
 You are NOT going to be happy with this new guy. Do you want him to FEEL like he has to give up his DREAMS and AMBITIONS for you to be happy?
You KNEW going into the first (3 year relationship) that he moved around a lot, and it didn't take that long before the "glamour" of moving around vanished for you - because it is NOT what you want. You want to stay put and you want a guy who WANTS the same. Which means your CURRENT man is NOT a good long term fit for you.
If you stay with your current guy it's going to end like the last relationship, you will either become TOO needy or TOO miserable.
Wish him well and TRY again.
After all that is what the DATING and GETTING to know you period is all about. To SEE if you are good fit or not.
I think part of your behavior is that because YOU have given up on things YOU wanted out of love - the ONLY way for someone to show you love is to give up stuff for you. Which IS NOT realistic.
As for how do you keep attracting the same type of guy... I don't think you do. But you MIGHT have an attraction to men who know what they want. The fact that you have met 2 (TWO) guys who both wanted to be on the road or live elsewhere - doesn't mean THAT is the only guy you can fall for.
It's TWO guy with something in common.
We ALL like what we like. The things is... what YOU really like is a guy who wants to settle down where YOU are at. So... the first two guys... weren't a good fir for you.
Time to move on.
...............................
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