A
male
age
36-40,
*ifecycle
writes:Hi all, my girlfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me 5 weeks ago. We had our fair share of problems. She lied to me quite a bit, once about talking to her ex for a few hours, and then about little, meaningless things throughout the relationship. I lost trust in what she told me, which led to questioning her after she'd go out with friends etc.. which was not nice but I couldn't help it. She told me "all the lies she'd told I'd found out about".. another lie?Anyway, we argued a lot, broke up a year ago, but a week later decided to try again. We had a good time since, but the fire, the passion wasnt there anymore. I felt like I was just waiting for the day we broke up. I use to push her away sometimes, and she did the same with me. On the whole I was very moody with her, argued with her over nothing and often wasnt very nice to her. I think it was because of the previous year, as prior to that I use to treat her well, and make her feel special. I use to do alot of little things for her, roses, little cards, romantic meals.. she never done anything of the sort for me, which again led me to feel quite unwanted, although she did use to want to kiss and hug me.Now I feel lost, although the relationship was very troublesome, I still feel like I love and want her. Im not sure if I do really want her, or just dont want to be alone? I've been ok for the last 3 weeks, until this weekend, where I seemed to breakdown again. I spoke to her after feeling like that for a day, and she just seemed very distant and off with me, which only hurt me even more. It seems like she isnt bothered at all, and if anything, is trying to make me feel worse on purpose? :(
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male
reader, lifecycle +, writes (31 March 2008):
lifecycle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. I feel like I hurt her alot, and she wanted it to work out but I kept knocking her back. I was horrible to her at times, and overly protective and checking up on her etc. But then I ask myself, was that because of the lies she told me throughout the relationship which led me to not believe what she told me? Then I think I should have got over the lies and its my fault for holding onto them and using them against her. I resorted in threatening to break up with her if she lied again, and got very argry with her. Everytime I wasn't nice, i'd blame the lies, or the way she was with me. I guess the most of it is that I feel I had her love and I threw it away by being this way with her...but then maybe I deserve better then a liar, and having them foundations from the start meant the relationship was never going to work? I feel so guilty..
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (31 March 2008):
Hey,
First off id like to say I am sorry that you are feeling how you are, however how you are feeling is quite normal considering what you have been through.
A relationship of over 3 years coming to end would be very hard to deal with. The person becomes a part of your life and in a way a part of you. Your lifes collide together and now part of that is gone. So there is this big empty part in your life which you feel you need to fill. Hence probably part of the reason why you want her back. Its very common for people to want there ex's back even if the relationship wasnt that good in the first place. Many people who are in abusive relationships have trouble moving on from an abusive relationship despite how bad it was. So how you are feeling is understandable. I think it takes some time to come to the realisation of whats happened. Over time you will see this was for the best. To help you come to this point make a list of all the bad things in your relationship, all the reasons why it didnt work with her, all the things you hated and all the things you wont miss about her. Then write a list of all the things you want from a relationship and see how your needs and wants were not being met in that relationship. Remember you deserve the best, no1 deserves to be lied to.
Keep in mind it has only been 5 weeks. Thats not long considering you spent over 3 years in a relationship with her. I was pretty messed up when me and my ex bf of 1 year broke up and it took me a while before I was over him. As time goes on, it will get easier and your number of bad days will lessen.
Allow yourself to be upset, allow yourself to cry, to feel hurt and angry. Dont try to deny those feelings like alot of people do. Having said that, some people let thereself continue feeling hurt for a long time, far to long that it jsut wears them down in the end. You have to find a point at which you will allow yourself to try and find happiness and not continue being upset 24/7.
Talk about it as much as you can to those who care about you. It will help alot! If you dont really have anyone, write down how you feel.
Its important to keep yourself busy and find new greatness in life. Having said that ,remember as I mentioned above, dont hide away your feelings of hurt, you need to face them sometime.
If I was you, I wouldnt keep contact with her. I think keeping contact with ex's makes it to hard to move on. It will only hurt you more, which you have discovered. The only reason I think you should talk to her is if you have questions you needed answered in order to get closure. After that, keep her out of your life for a fair while atleast.
Hope this has helped :)
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Honey,
I know its hard to move on, but a relationship based on lies is no good. She doesn't sound very commited, otherwise she would have been honest. Just except that she was not the one for you, and find love elsewhere. You deserve to be treated as nicely as you treated her. Use it as a learning curve, as you are only young and will have lots of experiences in life.
Tellulah X
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