A
female
age
30-35,
*cythe
writes:Hey aunts,I've got guy troubles again. It's nothing too serious, but I find I'm getting a little down about it.I've been sort of seeing this guy for about 2 months now. We go places together, hang out, and sometimes make out. Nothing is official and I don't really know where I stand with him.The problem is, I think I like him TOO much, and I also think I am TOO eager to be in love for the first time that I'm expecting too much from him. He does show interest in me, but sometimes it seems like he forgets about me. This really hurts, but logically it shouldn't since we aren't gf/bf.How can I try and not be so eager towards him, and not be so ready to "fall in love" and experience all that goes with it?It's not an easy question, but any advice, opinions or personal stories will be appreciated :)Scythexox Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Perhaps you should have present the thought the current relation is not the ideal one that you have woven with the dream knitting machine, only just MAY evolve to be it, and never wholly. Many prefer to quash any attempt of uprising of the truths that displease them, so the thought alone that you choose to be aware should give you a sense of complacency (as in thinking of one of your best qualities and displaying a smug gleam of self-congratulation in the mirror...! Imagine that!)We do underestimate our resourcefulness and sufficiency at times (of course there is then the risk of falling out of one extreme into another, which I will neglect now.) One starts wondering what he could change in himself in order to determine the others to act accordingly to one's expectations, only when you wish to change to please another but your personal self, the sense of self-complacency discolours bit by bit. There is a dose needed to equilibrate our independency. (surely, we may too receive the expected positive response from others, which reflects/returns in a mirrored way many times deceptively within ourselves: X - Others - X. Of course the shortest and most accurate way to reach ourselves is to never leave us. If we do, to be able to interpret the mirroring takes much experience, that we can aquire otherwise, in healthier ways.) I will leave you with an article that addresses the many aspects of unrealistic expectations, including how they particularly manifest in the debut stages of relationships (and later resurface):http://www.familyresource.com/relationships/building-and-maintaining/unrealistic-expectations-in-relationships
A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (31 March 2008):
scythe is verified as being by the original poster of the question hey bitterblue
thanks for the indepth answer. it has given me some things to think over.
1. i supose i am afraid that he doesnt like me that much. ive recently realised i am a little insecure which suprises me because i never used to notice my insecurities much
2. yes i am a fantasizer. i cant help it.
3. i supose i do tend to expect things from this guy, and get dissapointed when he doesnt live up to my expectations...
ok more questions now!
how can i stop fantasizing the perfect guy and projecting this onto the guy im seeing? what can i do to stop expecting things in a relationship?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): May I begin by saying to dream in itself is not good and not bad either. Do you in any event seek average relations or are rather drawn to the greatness of a mind planned relation? Seeking average - which I doubt is the case-, you could well be eager to experience what the yesterday's couple shared, that "seemed" happy. To make yourself always aware of the outward appearances, that have YET (and interestingly) to prove they are 'ponderous and substantial' I believe is the best way to administrate one's emotions! Referring strictly to your situation, not talking to him "in case he runs for the hills" is fearing an unwanted truth. He may well mask his intentions though when you confront him if he wishes to or has the tendency to play. Instead of straining your ears to hear what he doesn't say I'd provoke him to to an open discussion. As for 'instantaneous love', the dangers consist principally in that, being the fantasizer type, you may transfer qualities of your ideal, mind planned relations onto your present relations, embellishing them with qualities they have yet to prove they have in reality. Rather stay in expectative to learn which relations are dependable, worthwhile to invest your emotions in. The eagerness to fall in love and experience the implications, is of course due to having dreams and looking forward to seeing them concretised. As time passes however, the flux of emotions will be easier to manage and precaution will take precedence over unrealistic expectations. You might also like to read this situation: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-fall-in-love-so-easily-i-feel.html
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A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (31 March 2008):
scythe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhiya jaymil,
thank you for your helpful answer.
i've learned from experience that guys get claustrophobic and run for the hills if you want too much too soon. that's why im trying to act casual and just take it as it comes with this guy im sorta seeing. i hardly ever ring him, i always let him ring me. partially because i take it really badly when he doesnt pick up the phone.
in the beginning, he was sooooooo persistent with seeing me. he would bug me to go out for drinks with him and pretty much find a way around every excuse i had. now he doesnt do that anymore. he might say 'do you wanna catch up tomorrow' or something to that effect.
you mentioned playing hard-to-get. my mom and other people have told me that i should do this. but i really really hate playing games with people. do you think i should though? will he think i am not interested anymore and move on?
i supose i put up a good front to him - ide guess he would have no idea im feeling like this, constantly thinking about him and worrying about us. its just hard because i know i cant talk to him about it incase he runs for the hills.
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A
female
reader, jaymil  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 i understand where you are coming from i've been in a similar situation. it is quite difficult not knowing where you stand and it can get you down but i know from experience that most men don't like too much too soon. i was with a guy once who i was really falling for and i was very very eager, calling him all time etc etc. i ended up losing him and i was gutted especially when i overheard some mutual friends talking about it and saying he finished with me because i was rushing it. i think the best thing you can do is subtly show him how you feel and try really hard not to get upset when it seems he's forgotten about you. do you call him a lot when he's not with you? i did that and it was quite a big problem for him. you could also try playing hard to get, that way he won't think you are too eager and you'll also find out if he really is into you if he's willing to chase you. hope this has helped a little. j xxx
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