A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What do I do, me and brother in law almost had sex and my sister walked in and saw us, now my family hates hates us! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, odeer123  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 I have to say, you interest me a lot when you say you feel truly sorry and regret what you've done.
For me, that doesn't quite work. It doesn't work because someone who's proclaiming to be as sorry as you are wouldn't have done what you did in the first place.
You must have got some satisfaction in the knowledge that either 1.You were going to hurt your sister, 2.You triumphed over a man who had made promises to another woman, or 3.You had triumphed over your sister.
None of these things are good things to feel. What you need to do now is go away and decide how to confront yourself about your wrongdoing, and only after you know the extent of the damage you have caused to people around you and too yourself can you feel truly sorry.
After that happens, I only hope that things begin to improve for you - BUT YOU MUST UNDERSTAND that this is not a promise. Your family may never forgive you. Its a hard fact to face but you made that choice when you were with your sisters husband.
Speaking in person with your sister may prove too painful. She'll probably feel sick looking at you - she can't help it. Letters are practical - don't be hasty though, wounds like this heal slowly and if you push your luck they can get infected if you only do a quick patchy job. I suggest leaving some space between you and your family for a little while. You could call your parents occasionally (if thats what you do anyway) however less frequently than before the incident. If you go around acting as if nothing happened they'll think you've lost all self-respect.
I don't know what else to say, except that you need to try to forgive yourself. Now, I don't mean the whole 'forgive AND forget' thing - the 'forget' part I think should be discarded as something the guilty party invented to excuse themselves from doing whatever they did again.
Its important that you learn from this.
When things start (if they ever do) to cool down between you and your sister, NEVER try to take the blame of your shoulders, EVER. You have to accept it was your fault.
I wish you all the best in the future - don't forget, but try to forgive, and remember that you still have a life to live.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly I appreciate any and all advice you guys are giving me. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Damn, I can hear the pain and embarrasment in your voice.. You are so very young, and this older man should have had more sense to make sure this didn't happen..
What you did was very, very wrong, it's a really big thing... it's not one of those acts that people forget... I wish we could give you better advice, but we can't, we just can't... :(
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 June 2010):
This dosen't sound like one of those things, it actually sounds very cold blooded and planned..
Don't know how you two got from saying hello and chatting to lying together on the chair...
Anyway, I have no idea how you and him are going to fix things.. betrayal like that (you and him betrayed every memeber of your family) is hard to forget...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not trying to justify what I did and know it was wrong, we got caught up in the moment and everything got carryed away.and we were laying on the chair with each other and we hugged and moved closer and closer to each other and he said "let's go upstairs" I know I shouldn't have but we did.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 June 2010):
Don't understand how it happened.. You went to visit your sister..
You start talking about the weather, he makes you tea... how do you then get to the point of having sex? I go visit family all the time.. can't see how such things happen...
Didn't he know his wife was coming back.. I just can't understand how "things just happened"
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 June 2010):
 I was completely serious about the counseling. Go see a therapist, maybe this will show that you feel remorse and are looking to understand why you engaged in this act of betrayal. "It wasn't planned and wasn't wanted" isn't congruent with what you did. Your actions and your feelings are out of sync. Also, those internal censors and critics that keep us from behaving like 3 year olds all the time didn't kick in for you; why? Is there something inside you that wanted to punish your sister for some reason?
If you were drinking too much, look into alcoholics anonymous.
Basically, try to find a comprehensible answer to the question: why did you do such a terrible thing to your sister? Maybe the answer will help heal your family.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): If I were you sister and your family I would hate hate you too...I think it is telling that you are still only concerned with your own "status". You don't have a conscious and that's a dangerous thing, think they might realize this and want to keep away from you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOf I feel remorse and eternal regret, I hate myself for doing anything with him and for it I lost my best friend/sister. I never saw him as anything more than my sisters husband but that night it just escalated. It wasn't planned and wasn't wanted.no we don't live in the same house, I was visiting them at theirs.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2010):
Grovel. And get counseling. Beyond that, I don't know what you can do to fix things.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Does "hates hates" cancel each other out?
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Put yourself up for adoption.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Kindly define: "almost had sex"?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 June 2010):
 Wow, that's a really short question.
What to do? First learn your lesson. Don't mess with, flirt with, or attempt to attract anyone who is in a stable relationship. Don't date former boyfriends of your friends, or close relatives. Don't be a cheater, that includes flirting with someone who would be cheating to be with you.
Quite frankly, you did a very bad thing. You took something from your sister that you can never give back to her. You stole her trust in her husband. Just because he is more guilty than you does not make your guilt any less. You did not accidentally fall on his penis. You either flirted with him or accepted his flirtation with you. Having his attention made you feel powerful and mature. How do you feel now?
You have destroyed their marriage, and for what? There is no future for you with this man. There never could have been. You two must now absolutely abandon each other. I do hope you are not living under the same roof.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): Can you honestly say that you are surprised?! What did you think you were playing at! Have you no heart?! Don't you feel remorse?! Who do you think you are?
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