A
female
age
51-59,
*ilently Contemplating
writes:At my age, I should probably know the answers to these questions, but being so close to the situation has clouded my judgment and muddied the water... please be patient with me while I try to explain the situation...I married young, and after 9 years in a violent and abusive relationship, I finally mustered the courage to walk away. It was for the sake of my children and my own sanity and have no regrets. Since my divorce I have watched my friends and family move from one relationship to another...a revolving door of sorts? I never wanted to put my children or myself through that, so I have pretty much been single. I have dated but no one has captured my heart...I have no regrets though. Here is my situation...I met a beautiful man 3 yrs ago playing chaperone to a dear friend on her first date with a guy she met on-line. I am generally a wall flower, so it shocked me that this man even said hello. Things were casual with him and we only talked when I accompanied my girlfriend on her dates...(she drinks I drive) One night the guy I had been talking to and myself ended up in the same bed.... I figured it was a one night fling and left it at that. Sexually, it was just the one time, but we started to hang out more and more over the past few years. He is intelligent, funny like no other, and has a smile that could shame the noon day sun...he has also been battling brain tumors. I am not a stranger to cancer...so I understand his tendency to push friends and family away when he does the radiation and chemo. The hard part for me is the “come here but stay away” signals he gives me. About a year into our friendship/relationship?? I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him...he responded that he was flattered but not wanting a relationship...ok, so I get that...I got dumped into the “friend” category which is fine as he is a great friend and I appreciated the honesty. My confusion comes in now because he has been acting crazy insane for the past year. There is still no sexual anything so it shocked me when he asked me to stay the night after dinner and a movie in January. I told him I needed to go home but he insisted...I stayed and all was well till he told me that no one has been in his bed but me...Seriously...WHO says that? We don't have that type of relationship so it isn't my business right? He made it very clear that we are just friends, and that is all it would ever be, yet, his words and actions say 2 different things. He tells me thank you for being so patient and understanding about his illness and that he would understand if I was sick of him and left...What does that mean?? HE said we are friends...you don't just bail on your friends when things get tough... Being honest with myself and all of you...I still would love nothing more than to have a relationship with him, be it 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, weeks months or years, HE IS WORTH it to me and I am blessed to have anytime with him, but I know that is not possible as he has stated it clearly several times “We are JUST friends”. I still hang out with him because we are friends and I enjoy our time spent laughing or just talking about kids, family and life in general. On Halloween he asked me if I would like to go out the next Friday...I said yes and asked him if he wanted me to cook dinner. He said yes and that was that. We talked a few times during the week, and he expressed his excitement for Friday over and over. Thursday he met with the docs and said it didn't go well...he also said he wasn't feeling up to our get-together on Friday as he would be in the middle of his chemo cycle. I completely understand what chemo does to a body so I told him to get feeling better and we could get together when he was feeling up to it. He has to take care of himself and his health has to come first...right? Again he said I should just walk away and he wouldn't blame me. I just don't get how you walk away from a friend... So Friday was a bust as he was feeling crappy, yet Saturday he was out to a mutual friends house drunk as a skunk...yes, it hurt my feelings a bit, but I also know there is more to his destructive behavior. In my heart of hearts, there is a nagging feeling that the “It didn't go well” comment literally means “It didn't go well”. He is pushing people away and engaging in very destructive behavior. He is my friend and I stand by my friends no matter what, but my heart is breaking over the mixed signals. I feel totally stupid that I am hurting as I know we are just friends like he keeps telling me. My question is this....What the heck are we?? Friends, friends without benefits, secret friends or am I just the dummy he is passing time with till he no longer needs me? He pushes me away yet pulls me in closer. He says we are just friends, yet, we have conversations that only bf/gf or spouses have. The adult responsible woman in me is telling me that I am a sucker...I am nothing to him except I fill a void. She is screaming at me to throw in the towel and run...The friend in me is telling me that he is hurting and scared and that the chemo is making him act reckless. She begs me to stay by his side and see this through to the end. The truth is, I have said no to men who have asked me out because my friend acts all fruity if I talk to other men. I want a life with a good man who “sees” me and actually wants to be with me. I am far from perfect, but I love me...even the neurotic side...lol I adore my friend and would never bail on him, but standing by his side hurts and confuses my heart and leaves no room for me to find a mate who wants me there long term. Dear Cupid, I am confused, hurt, broken and wow do I ever feel stupid!! I do not know what to do. How can you tell someone that you are just friends, yet heap relationship roles on them. How can I remain a loyal friend yet guard my heart? Sorry this was soooooo long...please don't yell at me...like I said, I am too old to be acting so silly and I should already know the answers....but I don't...God speed to you all and thank you in advance for your patience and understanding....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 November 2011):
Hi. You're very welcome, I'm happy to be able to help.
Any nice young men you meet from now on, just take it slow and when you are sure you love them enough and trust them and of course like them as well, then and only then when you DO feel ready you can think about if you want to go to that next level.
Only when you are ready though. Don't let any man coerce you into it or make you feel guilty for saying NO. To say "No" or "Yes" is your right. It's your life and your body. Don't let anyone abuse that right.
And if they try to, and then leave because you declined, well then they are not worth it. You deserve better.
If a man is truly genuine about his feelings towards you, he will stick around. He won't be bothered by you saying "No" for a couple of dates. He won't make you feel guilty. In fact, he'll respect you because he will know you don't sleep around. He will also know that he can trust you. And trust is really important in all relationships.
I wish you well in the future. Take care.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (11 November 2011):
 Thank you for letting us know you found some of the input helpful. Best wishes as you move through this.
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A
female
reader, Silently Contemplating +, writes (10 November 2011):
Silently Contemplating is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your help :) I completely agree with what you have said and will be taking ALL of your advice.
My communication skills are not as good as they will be someday, (I am working on that) but I do want to clear the air about the intimacy issues. I AGREE 100% with what you said about wait time and not moving too fast...I did not word my question about men in the right manner. In 2 1/2 yrs I have only been intimate with 1 man and it was only the 1 time. Before that, it was with my husband before we divorced. I am happy that I don't mess around...I do not believe in casual encounters and revolving door relationships. I apologize if that came out wrong...
Again I appreciate everything you have said here more than you know. Line by line I agree with it all and will follow it to the letter. Many thanks to you :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (10 November 2011):
Hi. Right, now your best course of action from this point forward, would be to keep your distance from him. In other words, give him some space.
Let him initiate all contact with you from now. And if it so happens that he doesn't make any further contact with you, well then leave it at that - and move on.
He has gone out with this other female, when he made it so clear to you that he didn't want to be in a relationship while he is going through the treatment for his cancer.
Because if what he said to you was the truth, he wouldn't want a relationship with anyone, would he? Not just you, no-one at all!
So I wonder what the real story is here. I have an idea.
Getting back to your situation of meeting men who only want to sleep with you and want nothing more serious towards a relationship or a future, the real answer here is to NOT sleep with men in future.
What I mean by this - just to clarify - is don't sleep with a man on the first date, and NO sleeping with a guy on first meeting them. Instead, get to know them as a friend first and see if you actually like the guy and what you have in common with each other.
And if you meet a man you seem to hit it off with, in a social environment, see how it develops over the night - if you can talk easily to each other, their hands aren't all over you, they treat you well and with respect and dignity. These things are important, as they are a guide as to how the guy would be once in a relationship.
Then if that man asks for your phone number at the end of the night, give it to him and then wait and see if he calls you before the next weekend. Do not ask for his number, that makes you look needy and desperate. And men really don't like that.
All being well, he probably will call you.
And if it continues on this path, on the night of the date, just be yourself and relax and enjoy his company and have fun. Enjoy the present moment - but DO NOT think beyond the moment towards the future, because it will show in your behaviour and you might not see him again.
Another important point, is DON'T sleep with him. In fact, don't even invite him in - because that's inviting sex to happen. If the guy's a good man, you don't want to lose him, do you? Just give him a quick kiss on either the mouth or near his mouth, then walk through the door and close it behind you. Or else kiss him this way in the car, before you get out.
Leave sex right out of the relationship for at least a few dates. Just don't go there. Better still, don't put yourself in a position where it's likely to happen - like sitting in his car and kissing him. Remember, kissing is where it starts.
It's ok to kiss him, just don't prolong it.
The unfortunate thing about some men, is often if sex happens too soon, it's the beginning of the end at that point. Or else, it is the end.
Now getting back once again, to the guy who's in your life at the moment, it's possible that the friendship you had with him, was like a parent and child relationship towards the end. He could have seen it as that, especially as he became sicker.
Over time, you might have become not just a friend to him, but his nurse maid and kind of tending to his needs - in a way. So by your general concern for his wellbeing, it changed the dynamics of what the friendship previously was.
It's hard not to change things once one person is chronically sick, isn't it? It's virtually impossible. And unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be possible to reverse how it is now, because his illness isn't going to go away. It's usually terminal.
And if that's how your friendship with him evolved, maybe he went out with another female, to take his mind off himself.
With you, a lot of your focus was on him and his health, but that is probably not what he needs right now, as it makes him conscious of his own mortality.
This other lady, might have taken all the focus off his health issues and decided to just live in the present moment and enjoy life and be happy. That is more what he needs - to see the lighter side of life.
Maybe he didn't even tell her yet. And perhaps he won't - until he can't hide it any longer. Or else, the date with this other lady might not be anything serious, because he knows he's eventually going to die. So it could only be a few dates. Who really knows?
So it's entirely possible, that that's what has happened and why it's happened.
When people are dying, the last thing they want is to be reminded of how little time they have left. Even though you never spoke to him of it really in that way, the sentiment was there, just the same. Because he could see your concern.
Because he really has no clue of how long he will live, he's probably trying to make the last months or years as happy and carefree as they can be. And really, who could blame him for that? He's still a young man.
If you give him the distance he needs, and let him call you when he wants to talk to you or see you, well then it takes all the pressure off.
And if he does contact you again, whatever you do, DON'T ask him about his illness or test results, etc., because again it's focussing on his illness and the shortness of his life expenctancy.
Yes of course, say - "Hi, how's things?" - with a friendly smile in your voice, keeping it light. However, don't ask too many questions about what's been happening on a day to day basis regards his health condition, because again, it's making him feel down. You want to lift his spirits and cheer him up.
So for that reason, be his equal - not his mother.
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A
female
reader, Silently Contemplating +, writes (10 November 2011):
Silently Contemplating is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so very much for your advice... I took bits and pieces from each of you and told him how I feel and where I hoped this could go...
This is his response...
"Well as you know, I have many health issues now (i.e. chemo, seizures, nightly headaches, etc.) and I do not feel that it is fair to anyone (no matter how cool and easy going they are) to get them involved in my current day to day Life. I hope that you have a great day and thank you again for being so honest - all that I can respond with is that I DO CARE ABOUT YOU A LOT, but I DO NOT want to put you into a situation where you feel that you are tied down to me. I am NOT someone who is suited for a relationship at all during this time in my Life - I just want to kick back and relax w/Family and Friends"
An hour after this response to me, he was out and about with another female...So...there it is in a nutshell... I am thankful that we only spent one intimate night together. I can be his friend, but it will have to be at a distance. As Grant advised: Boundaries...I have taken your advice and the lines are clearly defined now...I am a female and although I am level headed I still had hoped for a fairy tale ending...instead, I realized that I was a sucker..sadly, an ALL DAY SUCKER... I can remain cordial...but that is all.
There's not a lot that I am good at. But I seem to be good at attracting guys who want to sleep with me. Not date me, or marry me, just sleep with me :( I am just NOT that kind of woman. I am a lady, I love & respect myself enough to admit that I would rather be alone than share a bed with someone who has no intentions of sticking around. I am rough around the edges, but I am beautiful on the inside and deserve true happiness...It hurts, but, I love myself enough to stand my ground. Honesty and integrity are all I ask of the people who come into my life...I expect those two things because that is what I give others...
Thank you again for all that the three of you had to say. I appreciate your candor and honesty. Much love and respect to you :)
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 I know this might be a simplification of things, but I think:
He is in love with you as well.
He pushes you away not so much because you are not the person for him, but because of his own demons - with the emotional and physical challenge he is going through at the moment. He is literally fighting for his life, and the whole world must feel pretty nightmarish a lot of the time. In fact, him talking to you, wanting you over, apologising and constantly saying he will understand if you want to leave ... are just lines to which you are supposed to respond:
I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND. I AM MORE THAN THAT.
I WANT YOU AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
THANKS FOR BEING SWEET AND OFFERING ME A WAY OUT, BUT I DON'T WANT OR NEED ONE.
I AM HERE FOR THE DURATION. SO GET USED TO IT.
I LOVE YOU.
He is not playing games at all. He loves you but doesn't want to put upon you or pull you down. He probably also even feels he shouldn't drag you in and then go and die on you. He needs to see, feel and hear how solid you are, and how it is not any kind of imposition to be with him - how every moment with him is a pleasure for you. Just tell him. That is what he is implicitly asking for you to do. But he is afraid of asking you straight out, in case you say no. (And frankly his life is bad enough at the moment, without him taking the further risk of you turning him down - so he is pre-empting that by saying you are just friends - in case you are just his friend - doesn't make sense to us women, but I have noticed that is how guys go about things ...).
Just go find him and tell him how you feel. Make his day.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (8 November 2011):
You're not stupid. You have a kind heart, which makes you value friendship and put friends first. And can leave you open to being hurt. When you're in the middle of something like this it's hard to have perspective.
Intentionally or not he's playing games with you. He knows how you feel about him, he's messing with that by the "c'mere, c'mere, c'mere, get away, get away, get away" routine. You're cutting him a ton of slack by writing that off to his illness -- your call and sadly you're making it from experience.
Being a good friend doesn't mean you don't set boundaries. You can indeed be a loyal friend while still guarding your heart. If he acts "all fruity" when you talk to other men, let him. Make it clear that if the chance for a relationship comes along you're going to explore it, and in the meantime you don't appreciate his attitude. Put this friendship more on your terms and you'll find out if in fact he sees you as a friend or as a sucker.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 November 2011):
Hi there. It's very clear to me that he has some pretty serious feelings towards you. You can surely see that also.
What's really behind all this changing behaviour of his, is his medical condition and very little else. It's not that he has doubts about his feelings.
It's more that because he has brain tumours, he realizes that it almost certainly is going to be terminal in time. It could be months or a few years. However, probably not many years really.
So he doesn't want you to go through all that suffering with him, and not knowing what lies ahead. It's hard enough for him to come to terms with, without getting someone else involved in it as well.
So there you have it.
He probably wants what you want, but then reality sets in and he doesn't know how long he has to live. It's the extreme uncertainty that's constantly there for him.
So keeping that in mind, it's no wonder he goes from one way of thinking to another way.
He doesn't want to lose your friendship, and at the same time he feels he can't make any promises to you either about a possible future. It puts him in a very difficult position.
It's a bit of an emotional roller coaster.
Perhaps you need to let him know exactly how you feel and that you understand how it is with him. So that he knows you are sincere.
It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
If you do decide to commit to him, it might be worth it to be in a relationship with him - no matter how long it ends up being for. You might have 6 months, you might have a year or two - or more. It's impossible to say.
It really comes down to how deeply your feelings are for him. You do sound pretty sincere, and I'm sure that he can sense this instinctively.
You just need to tell him what you have said here, about your feelings for him, what he means to you. Tell him every single thing you love about him. He needs to know this.
Perhaps up until this time you haven't actually said to him, what you felt about him in so many words, however now might be a really good time to do so. It could change things dramatically - for the better.
At he moment, he doesn't seem sure that you would want to stick by him through good and bad times. Once you tell him honestly how you feel, then he will know.
Now as far as the drinking and not caring about himself thing is concerned, that's his way of dealing with the knowledge that he probably won't live a long life. Plus, he just got a not so good report from his specialist, so that wouldn't help his mood either. It's just his way of coping. You'll just have to accept that for what it is.
His condition and not knowing if you would go the distance with him under these circumstances, no doubt gets to him as well. He almost certainly feels, that you might end it on him - so there's another thing to upset him.
I believe he does want you in his life and not just as a friend, but is not game enough to wish for it, in case it doesn't become a reality. So he's protecting himself from getting hurt and trying also not to hurt you.
If you feel as deeply for him as you say, and I have no doubt that you do, well then you really do need to talk about all this with him and be completely honest and sincere, and show him that you genuinely care about him and his life. Don't delay doing this. Time now, is the essence. Don't wait another day.
Best wishes and take care.
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