A
female
age
26-29,
*TheAlmightyDuckx
writes:For the last couple of months I've been feeling like i'm having an identity crisis. Throughout my whole life I have never been comfortable with my looks and self image, but it appears at this point in my life it is more prominent than ever. Ever since my relationship came to an end about six months ago, I haven't been able to figure out 1. Who I am. 2. What I want and 3. What I want to look like. Its gotten to the point where I will go through a destructive cycle over and over again but I can never seem to just get a hold of it. I have and probably always will proceive myself as ugly, I have only ever had 2 relationships, but in both of these relationships I was treated badly, cheated on, and just used for sex. Its kinda due to that and my own opinion of myself as to why i'm not to sure who I am. Since I have broken up with my ex, I simply have had no motivation to look nice, and it feels like if I change my looks people will either judge me or not notice so I have a lot of problems being daring and trying to be different, I will change my look about once a month and I will feel better about myself but for some reason I can't keep it up because I either have no motivation or worry about peoples opinions. I also started going to the gym but I stopped simply because I am not to sure who I want to be and where I want to get and I found it to hard to keep up. I have a dream in my head of maybe being thin and having exotic hair colours and beautiful makeup and being able to wear them dresses you can only wear if your like a size 8, I would love to be the person I see in my head, is this an unrealistic goal or expectation of myself? I don't know what to do, should I just change and not worry about people judging me and go with what I want to look like or should I just carry on being miserable each day, looking like crap and blending into the background so I don't attract any unwanted attention or comments? I need some help on this, also one of the reasons I don't stick to making a big change is down to lack of confidence.
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 I also think it's important to realize that we don't suddenly Become the thing we want to be. I'm almost twice your age and I'm still not sure if I have chosen a path that reflects me, and who I am today does not always match who I want to be. I know 50 year olds who don't know what they want to be when they "grow up." I think it's fair to say that what we want of ourselves can be (and maybe should be) ever-evolving. That's another reason why it's important to take a moment to try to enjoy the now and appreciate the you that exists, be thankful for the wisdom you've gained from the bad boyfriend experience and progress you've already achieved in learning these lessons--traumatically--early in life. Use your ex experience to help you better detect what could be red flags way earlier in the road, and what kind of standards you have for yourself and your man. These don't have to feel like they are all good things, but good things can come from bad times.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): When we read your post, each of us see a little bit of ourselves at your age. You're very young and have a lot to look forward to. Don't try to grow and change too fast. These are the best years of your life, because you're watching the world change. You're going to be a part of what makes it better. Live and learn. Be happy to be so young. I could tell there was something going on as far as therapy is concerned. I'm very intuitive in those areas. I had hoped you were already being helped; but you are wise beyond your years, to reach out to see things from a broader picture. You are a very articulate and intelligent young lady. Just don't try to grow up too fast.Let nature take it's course. Your brain is growing and maturing faster than your body, and you're getting frustrated with that. You're 16 going on 40. Take it easy! :)My best of wishes, my dear!
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (22 November 2013):
xTheAlmightyDuckx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou everyone for your wonderful advice! I appreciate it so much. First of all I know its typical for a teenager to feel this way, after all i'm only 16 but sometimes I get so wrapped up in worrying about how I look where I'm going and what defines me that I just don't know who I am. My mum and gran (parents) are aware of the issues I have with self esteem, I have sat up many nights talking through with them how I feel and how I feel like I need to change into something or someone new but don't know how and they have said the same, they tell me to just do a little thing each day which makes me feel good or lifts my mood, be it going to get my eyebrows done to putting my hair in a different style, and the whole identity crisis bit gets better with age, I just wanted some advice from here. I am under-going therapy, I have almost finished CBT which has been very useful when it comes to anxiety and worrying as I have both bipolar and a severe anxiety disorder, and I am now having something called CAT therapy which focuses on relationships and how I view things, which should help when its finished (very early on). I am also on medication which helps to a great extent. To be honest I feel like due to the last two relationships I had, even though they were a good old while ago, they have made me feel bad about myself (and yes you were probably right about not being emotionally capable enough to have sex, its something I regret and I don't have sex with anyone anymore), but due to the abuse, and the cheating, and experiencing that along with all the other problems I had going on, and all the name calling and hatred and rumours which were directed towards me because of them, it kind of just made me lose sight of what I wanted and who I was. I am completely repulsed by the thought of another relationship now just because I feel as if there is something wrong with me, which attracts boys who want nothing more than sex and at the time I can never really realize it, which is something the therapy is trying to cover. I guess these bad experiences to do with boys and the feeling as if I have to be something i'm not in order to attract someone decent is what has lead up to these feelings, if it makes any sense, the hatred they have had for me (both of the exes) has in some ways made me have a hatred for myself because I made stupid mistakes decsions and believed all the good things which they said. I guess that's what I think about so this is a combination of my age and the bad experiences I have had. But thankyou all of you, Abellas, and Iamheretohelpyous posts and WiseowlE has kind of made me realize, that I do neglect myself, because I put people first and I might need to be more selfish and just enjoy being me and trying do a little bit each day which makes me feel better about myself, also as for the exercise, I have access to a local gym for free so I feel that going there twice a week may help and getting away for a bit to just think and enjoy the day (they have a lovely little forest in my town which is practically empty) may well benefit me and give me some time to think about where I am going and really just get my confidence and mojo back so to speak. Also it is true, I am very impatient I expect to change things within a day and its not possible, growing up and developing and image is something which can't all be done at once, even though I wish it could, guess it goes with the bipolar :L But thankyou you all so much, you have helped me greatly and helped me see beyond this self esteem cloud I have, so thankyou all for your kind words x
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Hi
I always see you as a kind and wise soul. Your loving nature shines through and you are kindness itself and respectful towards others. Yet some others have treated you with disrespect in the past.
but maybe that's not quite how you see yourself?
It seems to me that you Give so willingly and so generously to others that you forget to find time to love you.
It may be time for you to remove that track that is playing in your head and replace it with a new melody.
There are people who focus on the things they love about themselves and choose to shrug their shoulders at the other bits. more power to them.
The main issue is that you have not been putting yourself FIRST for a long time.
You have been accommodating and that attracts users. and sometimes abusers.
You do not want to see that horrible film that he wants to see? That's Ok. You state that the film is not to your liking, that he is welcome to go see it alone or with his friends but that you have other plans. No guilt. No explanations. No negotiations. It is your choice and you have the right to make choices that are in your best interests.
You don't like something unacceptable that he tries on? Not Ok. So you assertively put the record straight.
For instance, "When I invite you to visit my (relative) and she asks you to stay for a meal and you make a disrespectful remark and gagging noises and poke fun at her about (anything) it makes me feel disrespected when you disrespect my (relative) and in future I would prefer that you either decline the invitation and say nothing more or that you accept the invitation with a simple "thank you" and learn to hold your tongue about my well meaning and must loved (relative) because to do otherwise is insufferably rude.
You give and give and give to so many others. And I believe that you are very loved. But some people will take until your emotional Bank is devoid of funds.
It is OK to Give of yourself.
But sometimes you deserve to receive as well. The latter puts deposits into your emotional Bank. It is always better if your emotional Bank is in credit. To be otherwise is a recipe for disaster.
So you think you "Have to" or "should" or "must" or are "expected to ..." and as a result you are emotionally exhausted.
Well here is a different tack.
What is something indulgent that you think is a :"ought not to" / or a "I can't because that would be selfish"
It is time you learned "The Art of Selfishess" - and that means putting yourself first. That is NOT selfish. That is survival.
Every day do something that is GOOD for YOU.
Every day decide to do something that gives you pleasure. Be it walking the road you prefer. Visiting a shop you think looks amazing. Trying a new fruit at the market.
Think about the times you purchased flowers for someone else. - Buy yourself some flowers.
Think of the times you sat up doing something for someone else. Well choose to do something just for you. Soak your feet. Have a scented bath with a sign on the door "no interruptions". Think about a place you would like to visit. Maybe a not too far away beautiful garden.
I not going to suggest that you do something nice for someone else. Even though it is a good thing to do. But in your case I think you are just far too nice to everyone else but you.
It is getting colder now so getting out and exercising is going to be more difficult. But find a way to add in some regular exercise even if it is dancing or running or skipping on the spot. Because exercise releases endorphins within us to make us feel better.
Never be afraid to seek out advice from your nearest Citizen's Advice Bureau on what support groups there are for people who may need some counselling or may need more support in some ways.
First and foremost be a GOOD FRIEND to YOU.
And yes there is no shame in getting some good therapy. I know that may be something that you are reluctant to get. But a good therapist can help you a lot.
Check out if any Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is available in your area. That is a proven technique and is drug free but does involve a trained counsellor being involved and helping you to look at situations from different angles and to grow stronger emotionally as a result.
I am very sorry that you have suffered two failed relationships. but if one or both of them did not treat you well then both guys have done you a favor. They have both revealed that neither of them were worthy of you. More fool them.
Focus on the many good things about you. Do remember that some women grow into their bodies. Some women look better and better with age. I think Helen Mirren and Dame Judy Dench fall into that category. They are stars in your country. Check both out on the Internet.
You always think things out so well for others.
Now it is your time.
You need to come first
Your needs should come first.
Never call it selfish.
Instead call it Survival.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (22 November 2013):
You don't have to figure everything out, just one day at a time. Follow your passions, and go with your gut. In the end, we all look the same--skeletons, dust, however you want to say it--it's not worth your short time here to worry about the outside, or people judging it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): You are very young, and already you've had a couple of "failed" relationships that hit you very hard.You don't mention if you have any eating disorders. Do you?Do you have trouble sleeping, with concentration in school? Perhaps you were not emotionally mature enough to handle relationships and sex; otherwise, they would not have hurt you to the degree that you have issues with depression, anxiety, and body-image issues. Untreated, the feelings could become very scary.It is very important that you explain these symptoms to your parents. Some of your issues are not unusual for someone your age; because you are between 16-17, and you are still going through puberty and the usual phases normal for adolescent development.However; it sounds like you are experiencing depression; which is part of your problem. You may need therapy. You came here first; but your parents are probably assuming you are just undergoing the typical changes all teens experience. Which may be 80% of what you're feeling. But we can't ignore the very serious feelings you describe. They go beyond the ordinary. If your parents knew what was going on, you probably wouldn't be coming to us.I'm sure you'll get some advice here; but you will no doubt require therapy, and possibly prescription medication to help you to cope and deal with your depression and other anxiety-related issues. I hope all other aunts will take notice.
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