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female
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anonymous
writes: I am 'meeting' up with this older guy (31) we met a year ago (i am 18) but all we do revolves around sex. We meet up every couple of monthes when he is working near me, he'll call me when he is horny to talk about sex we never had a proper conversation that didnt revolve around sex except when he was trying to chat me up but even that had a hint of sex! Anyway when he does call me he sometimes tries to have a normal conversation but its me that nips it in the bud and goes back to talking about sex, i just want to know whether you think we might be able to go into a relationship i dont know how to talk about it with him bec im scared of him rejecting me, my friends think we will end up together bec it has lasted over a year now but i want someone who is not my mate to give me thier point of view coz its killing me i am starting to like him more and more when we talk. xx
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (29 October 2006):
 This going nowhere fast. He's simply using you for a booty call. He sounds married to me anyway. Dump him.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (29 October 2006):
 If this was going anywhere you pair would already be in a relationship. He only calls you when he is in the area and after sex - it doesn't seem like he makes special trips to see you and men do that when they are into you. If you are happy with no strings sex then carry on but it doesnt seem that you are so stop meeting him. You turn the conversation around into sex because you dont feel confident enough to sustain his attention with other subjects. Basically this guy needs to develop new hobbies and you need to get a new man who treats you with respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2006): The problem is not just him. It's yourself, as well. It's time to take stock of why you are allowing this. You could be making the mistake of having sex with him to feel love. The sad reality about all this, is your desperate attachment to this man is actually hindering your development toward being able to love, in a healthy way. So many wonderful women like yourself, will use a man's sexual interest and approval, as a means of lifting a sinking feeling of worthlessness. You do mention you are afraid of being rejected. When a woman says that-then it's obvious to see that she has to do some work on herself to building some self-esteem and overcoming this type of fear. All that a fear of rejection is: a fear of being alone. You are too stuck in that common mode of thinking that someone else has to take care of your needs. I'm here to say..you take care of your own needs first, dear. You are responsible for creating your own happiness within you, first.
So in your case, you need to know that continual loveless sex with this man, will never work as a cure for your own feelings of emptiness, lonliness, fearfulness. This man is older and has been around the block a few times, so it's plain to see...he's using you as his 'plaything'. He has no respect for you and you are someone he can selfishly use for his own pleasures. If he is making you feel insignificant and demeaned...I have to ask why are you tolerating this? As for the question of love, partners who are in loving, respectful relationships don't pressure each other to do things, sexual or no and this guy is pressuring you, bigtime. Many people agree that there are many basic qualities to a healthy, loving relationship: respect, trust, honesty, fairness, equality, good communication. You don't have this. I think you had better evaluate what you do have. In my opinion you have nothing but sex and just sex with a loser. Dump him..
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A
female
reader, louiseBaker +, writes (28 October 2006):
Perhaps if you want to find out for sure what this guy is about you should put all your cards on the table. Next time he calls you tell him straight that you do not want to be treated like a piece of meat and that if the only thing he is interesed in is sex then you are not interested. you could say that although you enjoy the sex you want more from the relationship and ask him if he sees any future in having a more stable relationship with you. There has to be a balance in a relationship, and if its going to last then it can't just be based on lust. He will respect you more for being straight with him and not just allowing yourself to be used as his plaything. Whats the worst that could happen? If thats all he wants then he's not worth it and you can move on with your life in a more worthwhile direction.
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female
reader, louiseBaker +, writes (28 October 2006):
No offense but it is glaringly obvious that all this guy is interested in is sex. I know from experiece that when you really like a guy and have feelings for him then you try and imagine that he might be feeling the same way. Trust me that this is not the case and all that will happen is that you may end up falling in love with him and he will just break your heart. I lost my virginity to an older guy when i was about your age and i fell head over heels in love with him. He told me exactly what i wanted to hear but the whole time he was seeing someone else and just using me for sex. You are better than this and this kind of man will just make you feel cheap and used. Think about the kind of person he is if he is seeing someone else and cheating on them, a leapard like this will never change its spots and he's enjoying getting away with having his cake and eating it..ie. being with a wife or whatever and probably being in some kind of love with her but also having extra sex with a young fit woman on the side. He is a looser and will just end up messing with your head!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2006): I was in a relationship like this when I was younger...and it made me feel terrible. If you don't mind the "no strings attached approach" then by all means continue, but it sounds like you don't. I stopped the sexual conduct with my "friend" and we actually became pretty good friends. If he rejects you, who cares, I realized after actually talking to my "friend" that he really wasn't all that great. I am in a wonderful relationship now with someone else and I know that you will find someone too. (If you can get one guy, you can DEFINITELY get another)
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (28 October 2006):
 If you haven't met his family or friends and he hasn't met yours, it is a huge sign that this is not going anywhere for him but into your panties. If he hasn't talked of a future with you then it's a huge sign this is going nowhere. If your future with him is the next time he comes into town to bang you then you're just an out-of-town booty call for him. If your conversation lacks as you stated unless it is about sex then you two don't know each other well enough to make a real relationship work.
This could go on for years until he gets married or a girlfriend finds out about you.
Some booty calls do grow into a serious relationship but more often one person will grow feelings and the other will not.
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