A
male
 ,
*ude007
writes:Hi there, I need some advice I am seeking.In Aug 2003 I met this amazing, striking blonde N, we had a relationship for 3 Months, gradually hit it off then boom out the blue she ended it. She had just come out of a 7 yr relationship (the guy was a rat and had been cheating on her for those years apparently and left her 5 months before walking down the isle) anyway I was gutted, sank into a type of depression, and felt terrible for some months, as she never contacted me. However in the time we split up, I met all her friends, and I was asked out by her sisters best pal, we had a fling, but it ended, I also dated her manager at work, and I ended that too.And after not hearing from her in one year - N came up to me in the local club, and asked me back out! i was over the moon, and we had been together for some time, however last year we split after a holiday, and got back after I thought there would be no chance, I hid money worries and i promised to be honest with her she gave me another chance! and this year we have split just after St Valentines day as we were both stressed - (finance, and health). Im gutted and I want her back, we never not got on we just did argue, and niggle abit too much at times. and I had alot of pressures and a letter for a scan on a lump on my testicle, and never told her, and I believe that caused alot of problems as I bottled them up. I asked her back she said no - it wont work, i wasnt honest. I have texted her, called her and she wants to be friends, but doesnt want to see me right now but hopes to be friends or meet up in the future... What do I do? Leave her and hope that she will come back? or leave it for good!??! I genually believe in time like the last split she will see we were meant to be! however I also feel we should never argued as much, and niggled at each other - but we should have been less stubborn, truthful, and open. however you shouldnt split so much either......please give me some good advice - as Im a bit lost lonely, and feel i have lost my best friend, soulmate, and everything I ever wanted
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male
reader, jude007 +, writes (6 March 2006):
jude007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks folks!
Im just a bit concerned the fact she spends everyday with me for 18months, and then no contact!??! she says if she needs anything she contacts her friends. im gutted, but i have text her (alot admittedly), called her, and all we do is talk about why we broke up, and we argue.... it seems she is really angry with me? so u think leaving it would be best till she calms down? will she forgive me in time? im totally confused.....especially after everythin that has happend
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (6 March 2006):
 Leave her be. If she was interested then she would respond or initiate contact.
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (6 March 2006):
 Just give her some time and some space, she asked that you stay friends, well do that, keep in touch as a friend and in time if it is meant to be then it will.
Both of you need some time and space from each other to look at why the realtionship was so up and down, both of you are equally to blame for this as and so you both need to look at the good bits and the bad bits and take an honest look at the relationship.
In the cold light of day was it as good as you think it was, is she the perfect partner for you and is your life not worth living if she is not in it.
I think if you give her space and friendship, take a good honest look at the relationship and look at things like why you did not tell her about your health problems etc then you will have a better idea if it starts up again, and to decide if it should start up again or stay over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006): Firstly, I don't think you should take all the blame on yourself. But more importantly, if she only realizes how great you are when you're not dating, how useful is that if she promptly forgets it after you start going out?
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A
male
reader, jude007 +, writes (5 March 2006):
jude007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSuorpio I know what you are saying thanks, its difficult, as we have come through so much.
We broke up before and in time she realised that i was a great guy.....i just hope she can again!
And the contact thing, should i leave her alone, and let her contact me when she may be ready?
ive messed up i know...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2006): It sounds like your ex-girlfriend has a kind of low-threshold for breaking up. Whereas most couples fight over and then resolve transgressions, your ex's default setting is to abandon ship. This may be a new self-defence she's developed in wake of her 7-year ex. Staying with a rat for that long entails an unhealthy level of forgiveness (or faking it), so that now she's swung in the totally opposite direction and initiates a break-up where a simple confrontation would do!
The problem here is, of course, that it's really HER problem to deal with. If you stay friends with her, you may offer to shed light on this propensity to dump people over and over as an overreaction to her 7-year rat, but you can't prevent her from doing this to YOU personally. For the time being, for your sake, she may be undateable. You can always stay in touch with her in case she stabilizes a little more down the line. Then again, it may take her a while to get to that point, so don't put your life on hold for too long. She could, of course, use the support of a good friend. Everyone needs that.
On a final note, I hope you also learned your lesson regarding honesty. In a serious relationship you are entitled to privacy, but matters of life and death usually cross over into the 'need to know' category for your partner, as in "you mean the world to me and I need to know if there's a chance that you have a life-threatening illness because that would have a massive immpact on my life". Understand?
Good luck.
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