A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Welp, it happened. all my friends are engaged. not exaggerating, all of them. meanwhile, I’ve never been in an actual relationship. I just turned 27 two months ago and basically ready to join a nunnery because art least that would give me an excuse to be this pathetic. I mean I knew it was inevitable for most of them but still even after everyone going official I thought it was cool but still basically felt heart broken. If you’d have asked me years ago I would have said I’d be a wife and mother by now, and my age never hurt me until I lost my mom last year. Now my worry is waiting to late just to get sick and leave whatever family I build and only have the next twenty some odd years with them. It sounds like a crazy worry but I know how I felt and don’t wish it on anyone. And what hurts the most is feeling like at this point no one could possibly want to be in a long relationship with me, much less what to marry me. I know I’m a loving person, I’ve wasted it on my family even after a sibling told me I make her want to. I’ve been caring for them like I’m the mom now or something and I want to get out but my life has been one unfortunate event after another. I want there to be one person willing to offer the same kind of care I do to everyone important to me because at the very least that means I’m not wasting my energy caring for them. But I feel like I’ve missed the boat, and wouldn’t be able to believe they meant it anyway. I’ve already been told I’m too independent and masculine before. I just don’t know how to feel, and don’t know who to talk to because it’s just gonna sounds like I’m insecure and unsupportive. All I really feel is sad, lonely, and left out
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): Oh, sweetheart, I am so terribly sorry about the loss of your mother. You're feeling so down partially because of your grief.
I've been there, so I know how the world just looks cruel and surreal. Like everything good is happening to everybody else; and the devil just moved-in and decided he wanted to be your roommate. He's not paying rent, just making everything turn to crap! He won't move, and he's just piling-on more crap.
The most dangerous and unfortunate emotional-damage we can do to ourselves is being envious of others; and comparing our lives to the lives of other people. It shrinks your world into pettiness and malcontent. It will sour your outlook on everything!
Envy is the devil's favorite tool. It keeps you focused on what others have that you don't. Hence, you'll ignore and under-appreciate your own blessings. Then don't be surprised when you see nothing but the worse happening. All you ever get is the least in everything. You'll lose hope, you'll despair, and you'll just give-up! You're too young for that! Your life took a different path. You love your family, and you are there for them. Do you regret that?
Your friends are all engaged or married. So what?
The timing of the events that occur in their lives, and their destiny is unrelated to your life-events. How many of them are there exactly? Four, five, six...a dozen?
My guess is maybe two or three, but I sense a little drama going on here. I understand, when things just haven't been going well. The weight of your sorrows is heavy, and the outlook is glum. Too much bad has happened to someone still so young.
How is loving and caring for your family somehow a bad-choice, or maybe somehow to blame that your life isn't in a better place right-now?
Your fate and destiny is on a different track from the rest. Doing what is noble and kind out of love is hardly something to be placed in negative-contrast to what's happening for some other women you know. Your mother's illness is untimely, unforeseen, and most unfortunate. I'm sure she would have wanted to see you stroll down the isle. That's not what's meant to be for you at this time. People says this and that. Who are they to judge you?
You really have to be careful about putting yourself down, and you are indirectly blaming your family for causing you to have an unfortunate setback or delay in your love-life. Life sucks sometimes! Who can you really blame for that? Bad things just happen, they don't pick the right time. You can't prevent them without any forewarning. Some are beyond anyone's control.
Putting yourself down is cursing yourself, and jinxing your future. It's spreading negativity, soaking in self-pity, and nurturing bitterness and cynicism. You shouldn't do that for so many reasons! Its going to manifest itself in some pretty unsavory flaws in your personality. Nobody will try and convince you how you should think, we can only offer you the benefit of wisdom and experience. Just because other women you know are married or engaged doesn't mean that's the best thing for you right-now. Certainly not in such a state-of-mind!
It's not your time. You were needed for another reason, and your presence was necessary where you are in this particular period in time. Things all happen for a reason, and if someone needed you more than a husband or a boyfriend; destiny arranged the events in your life to place you where you are. It's better than the guilt and regret you might feel had you not been there!
Blessings that fall upon others around you means good-fortune is in your neighborhood; but it just hasn't reached your doorstep yet. Wallowing knee-deep in negativity and bitterness will start to spillover and infuse the toxicity into your attitude and your general-personality. You will become surly and ill-tempered. You'll develop a nasty disposition like you're always a victim; and the world just sh!ts on you. Take care of where you let jealousy take you; and realize that the deep sadness you're feeling is really part of your grief. That shall pass.
You probably won't see things in this way, but being a Christian; I know that badmouthing yourself, and declaring misfortune as your fate can make it so. Darkness will certainly see to it that all you say will materialize. Don't allow your disappointment to make you stop seeking your happiness, or lose your joy in being young! You won't appreciate or be thankful for your blessings that you do have. Obviously you have love in your life already; and some misfortune occurred that took you away from pursuing what you wanted. Don't give-in to dark-thoughts. It won't be easy to pull out of it. It's like a tar pit. You'll sink into it. It's black and sticky!
You've been through a lot, and what you've survived will make you stronger. It's only a matter of time before the things you want and deserve in life will come your way. Just not at this moment. There were things more pressing in your family, where you were needed. Your love and kindness will receive great reward, for placing others before yourself. You can't see that now; but God willing, you will soon.
You are developing into a strong-woman, a jewel of a future-girlfriend; and the creme de la creme when it comes to wife and mother-material. You've faced and survived tough-times. That makes you more fit for marriage. God is molding you like clay! He's the one who put the love in you! He will also reward you greatly, but when it is your time!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): I am sorry that you are grieving the loss of your mother. That is a very tough thing, and likely why your perspective is so dark right now.
I certainly don't believe that at age 27, you are an old maid and will never have romance. That is absurd. People fall in love in all decades of life by the way. If you are living, you are capable of loving. I met my husband at age 30, 3 years older than you are now. Plenty meet their life partners later than that. You have a whole decade, at least, ahead of you for childbearing years, which modern studies support. Studies saying otherwise were recently exposed to be very outdated.
As for leaving your children too soon- few can control or predict how long a life they will lead. At any age, losing a mother will hurt immensely, and everyone will face that at some point in their life. You cannot protect your future children from mortality. The most you can hope for is their own strong health.
As for your search for a man- I will give you some advice. The longer people are single as adults, the more perfectionist a picture they tend to desire for their partner. They carry with them an idealized, fairy-tale like version of what their love should be. They believe their man must have every wonderful quality under the sun. The passion must be intense. Every word must be perfect. Etc. Etc.
I think I see in your description that you are showing these tendencies. You want someone to devote themselves and show the extreme care that you believe you show to others. A future partner may show this care in different ways than you are expecting. Not many men care and nurture in the ways that a woman might.
I will tell you, as someone with plenty of long-term dating experience that didn't work out before I found my husband, the most important quality turned out to be a dedicated stability and kindness. The saying is true that love isn't just a feeling, because that comes and goes, it is a choice that we make. We choose to stay dedicated in spite of the other person's flaws, and everyone has plenty of flaws. Everyone.
So one person told you some things that were (maybe) an insult? Why do you value their opinion? Do YOU secretly believe that you are too independent? It does take a leap of faith to trust other people, go on dates, let others INTO your life.
Your tone is very defeatist on every topic. I caution against becoming so involved in your own struggles and misfortunes that you become absorbed in your own despair, obsessed with your failures. It will become a form of self-absorption. And self-absorption will not allow you to be open to loving others, hearing their stories, caring for them genuinely.
You shouldn't feel jealous of those married friends. If you want marriage, surely you can find that with some patience, as I have seen women and men of all shapes, sizes and personalities find it. You don't have to be a great beauty or even have a sparkling personality. You do have to want to find someone and put effort into finding someone compatible. You do have to be willing to compromise with the person you find. Marriage is a dance of compromise. Which is the biggest reason I see for single people still being single: being unable to compromise on anything. Staying single is certainly a valid choice, and makes some people happy. But, as you want to be in a relationship, I am giving you advice to that end. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (25 March 2020):
Hi Op,
Wow!!! You are very hard on yourself for absolutely no reason. My condolences on losing your mom. Yes it can be very hard filling her shoses all of a sudden.
I learnt a very simple, but very important lesson at a young age...Never be envious of what other people have. The old...would you jump off a bridge because your friends are doing it. You have no idea how their marriages will work out. The last thing you want is to end up in the same "Boat" as them.
You ever think that maybe you need to see how their lives go? See what troubles they run into, and learn from them? So that when your time comes, you will not make their mistakes? Think of it as learning how to swim. All your friends getting married is the deep end of the pool. Some of your friend will take the leap even though they do not know how to swim, and end up in rough times. You however, still in the shallow end. So the question is...Do you think it is better to learn how to swim in the shallow end, where it is safe? Or follow your friends and just jump right into the deep end? Learn all you can about relationships, marriage, and what is expected before you rush off to do it.
A very true saying regarding a life partner...Come and vist me, and come and live with me, are two completely different things. If you get mad at your boyfriend, you can just leave and go home. A husband and living together...not so easy. So for the meantime...just learn all you can, so that when your time comes, the deep end will not be a problem, because you learned how to swim.
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