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male
,
anonymous
writes: I'm in a commited gay relationship but we haven't come out as a couple to family and friends, only a few friends who are very happy for us, they are also gay. Anyway he is in another part of the country and we call each other every ay and love each other very much.I have never been in a relationship before and he is my first. Nobody at all suspects us and when we are in other crowds we "show interest" in other women to blend in with the crowd". He has been in other relationships with women and and been sexually active. I've only been with him. I went to my friends wedding last weekend and there were loads of beautiful ladies, but I felt very shy to approach them. I have never gone out with a woman and become intimate. I felt sad because I missed my partner and I felt sad seeing all of my friends with their partners, and I was alone. It hurt me and left me miserable, and with the thought of them knowing about my secret and my love for a man left me heartbroken. I wished that one of the pretty single ladies were my partner, and we'd dance non stop and hold each other the whole night thru like every one else. My partner knows that he is my first and he sometimes says that he wishes that I went out with a woman so at least I would be certain about my choices, and if I really want to be with him for the rest of my life and seen the other option.I only feel like this when I see my other friends hangin with their gf's and only a few of us are single or we don't have gf. But when I'm with him and his friends who are my friends too, everything feels natural. The friends on my side make it seem as though time is running and you need to settle down. I don't want to settle down with a woman but the thought does dwell in my mind, of 'what if'? What would it be like to be part of the group? At least that way my family and friends would accept me. I'm only 23yrs, and I know for a fact that no one suspects us nor me. His friends are more mature and they have other things on their minds rather than settling down, some are more success driven and indepentant. If I had not met him, I would approach a woman and go out, but he blessed my life and I'm thankful, however the thought still remains, What If? When I am with him, I don't even think twice. Please help. I'm confused and scared.Thanx
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female
reader, caffeinequeen +, writes (9 November 2005):
Dancing with the " pretty single ladies all night long" seems to be a romantic fantasy of being with the one you love, out in the open, in front of your friends and family.
You didn't say if you were sexually attracted to women, or attracted to the lifestyle of being committed to a woman.
You say: at least my friends and family will accept me. Are they really prejudiced about gays? Do you know this for a fact?Do you intend on coming out to them if your relationship gets more serious, or do you intend on keeping it a secret?
There is a lot of pressure for people to settle down, which leads to measures of desperation such as marrying the wrong person,staying in the wrong relationship, divorcing...etc...
Usually people settle down because there is no other option for them: such as pursuing a career,being success driven, like your boyfriend's friends. So settling down is the next " Big Thing" to do. A lot of people settle down for the wrong reason and follow the herd.It looks like you will have to find your own people.
Being part of a group is important, but being part of a group who can support your choices, be happy for you, is more important than being part of ANY group, just because they used to be your friends.
You should surround yourself with people who make you feel good about your choices, who want to learn about your life, who want to know about your love life.
If you feel lonely, you can always call a gay support line, or go to a meeting if you have a gay and lesbian center in your area. You will see that you are not alone.
I am bi, and though I don't date women anymore and don't think I will again, there was a time when I welcomed having support from the gay community.I came out very late in life, so it was easier to assert my choice.
Nevertheless there is support out there.
Enjoy the love you share with your partner.
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