A
female
age
51-59,
*oftlyCaress
writes:Here we go, I am going to try and do this without breaking down into tears . I have only been divorced since May of 2012 however my husband left in 2008 I met this man and started seeing him and at the time i didnt know he was married because he said he was single . After awhile i found out he was Legally sep. from his wife and said he was filing for a divorce and as of this day he has not . I ask hi sometimes when are you going to divorce her and he said he is but never tells me when just he is going to do it .I have dealt with alot of mental abuse and emotional abuse at times . I do love him but I am 47 not getting any younger also I have been the one there for him through everything he has went through and he still keeps putting off his Divorce.I want to find Happiness again but for some reason I dont think it is going to be with him. I dont know what to do anymore he isnt a very supportive person at all anymore. He is retired and owns his own home ,but stays at my place all the time,doesnt help with bills even though he gets a great check doesnt ever take me out not even just for a meal. While i work he stays on the computer all day and most times off and on all through the night doing God knows what! I mow my own yard do all the house keeping and laundry , I am starting to get the impression this is just a convenience for him . I do love him but I just want true happiness , He has brought my self esteem down so low i dont know if i will ever be right again . Please I need some advise fast I want to feel alive again ! I told him if he wasnt happy here go home to his wife and work things out but he just continues to hang around doing nothing but taking up air ,space and making my bills more . I havent been out in 5-6 yrs not even for a dinner .Lost both my parents and he wasnt supportive at all I went through it alone . I cant help but feel lost and alone no matter how hard i try Happiness is All I ask For .
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divorce, emotionally abusive, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 Change the locks ASAP! Make sure he hasn't taken anything of yours. Go through the house, record everything he may have damaged or taken of yours. Ensure your computer is clean and has no viruses or tracking software, take it to a qualified and reputable place for that. Change all your passwords from a safe computer (not the home one) and ensure your credit cards are secure as well.
You had some dude your ex found on Craigslist in your house; you need to be sure you are safe and all your financial and personal interests are protected.
For now, stop worrying about why he's left and instead, focus on what you need to do to protect yourself!
A
female
reader, SoftlyCaress +, writes (14 November 2013):
SoftlyCaress is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok so I come home from work today to find him GONE and all his stuff as well ! Found out he had found some guy on Craigslist that would take him to his house down south and as soon as i left for work he packed all his things and bammmmmmmmmm I came home to a empty house ......I told him Hell i would have took you home .
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 November 2013):
 Stop making it convenient for him then.
Stop rowing the relationship boat. I know it's hard to be told that the only thing you can do is leave when you want us to figure out how to make him be the man you need/want him to be. He's not.
You are not in love with HIM. You are in love with WHO YOU WANT HIM TO BE. He's not that man.
I would ask him to go home.
I would password protect the computer and not give him the password (or if there is wireless change the password and tell him he can get it when he does a. b. and c. which he won't do)
DO NOT clean up after him
DO NOT cook for him
DO NOT do his laundry
DO NOT offer any other "wifely" duties
HIM being ALONE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM... do not be a caretaker. DO NOT be co-dependent. DO NOT WORRY about what HIS needs are until YOUR NEEDS are being met.
you get on an airplane with kids and they tell you that if the oxygen mask drops you put it on YOURSELF first then your children... this is so hard for parents to understand but the truth is YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS IF YOU ARE UNCONSCIOUS and you will be if you don't have O2 first.
The point is you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else. How is worrying about him taking care of YOU?
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A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (13 November 2013):
You have answered your own question indirectly. You want to be happy and find love but your boyfriend treats you badly. Re read your post and see the negatives you've highlighted. There is your proof. Love has no age limit. Next year you might find a fantastic man or maybe when you're 70. Does it really matter when? If so why? End this relationship and take time out to learn more about yourself. Work on any issues you feel you have. Travel, socialise e.g arrange dinner parties with friends. You don't need a partner to do so. Join a gym or club on your own. Make new friends and build wonderful healthy friendships. Don't put all your faith and hopes in romantic relationships. Let love find you don't go actively seeking it. You'll expect too much from people and end up making bad decisions because you're so keen to find love. I speak from experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): Dear Softly Caress,Step 1: Pack his stuff, and send him on his way! He is adding NOTHING to your life except bills and more heartache. Step 2: Keep going for counselling, they will help you.Step 3: Rather alone and finding peace and happiness, than with a user who doesn't appreciate you. He was totally using you with no future in sight. He hasn't divorced his wife, he isn't nurturing anything with you, he doesn't contribute his time, energy or money in you or your relationship and home, so why have him there? Because you have a good heart, but you can put it to better use on someone deserving of your very special good heart!Step 4: You DO deserve love and happiness, and you will find it, when you find yourself. You need to heal from your past, your ex husband, and to get over the hurt this many has also brought into your life. Therapy will help. When you re-discover yourself, your life, your passion, your calling, your interests, you will find happiness again. Then if and when the time is right, you will meet someone you can share that with. Your happiness is not pending you meeting someone - the secret to your happiness is within yourself, and as you live your life fully, the blessing will be sharing it with the deserving other half, not giving everything and getting nothing in return.In time, you will see things differently. With the gift of hindsight, you will see it.May you get the healing, find peace and all the happiness you so richly deserve!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2013): That has been my theme song and sometimes when you look to hard or try to hard. I too have lost my parents and I am sorry that you went through that alone. I hadn't been asked out to dinner in years. You and I are both the same age what a coincidence. I have endured the same things the emotional and mental abuse. Don't take another day of this because it will just tear you down. You have to appreciate and love yourself. I am still learning that and I don't want to be a hypocrite and tell you that my life is perfect because I know what it's like to want to love someone and they do absolutely nothing for us but use, abuse, lie, cheat, criticize, ignore, and take us for granted. Please seek help from others. Coming on here was a good thing to get advice. You are a special person who just wants to be happy. Nothing wrong with that. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013):
The only thing I can add ., is sweetie your so pretty with a wonderful
Heart and nature .. Let him get in with his life , sometime we have to let go to save our own life's .,
What happens to him, is by his own making ..
Be strong .. X
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 November 2013):
 You already KNOW he isn't IT. He is not exactly "bad news", but he is "useless news". He doesn't CARE about your happiness or your needs. You ARE convenient for him and since you LET him stay with you, you cook, clean, do his laundry and let him MOOCH of you, why the hurry to divorce?, heck you might even expect more of him if he DOES divorce! that means his "free" ride is over.
I understand that you want this "happily ever after", we all do in some way or another, but reading your post, I think YOU would be WAY more happy alone then with this dude.
Get some counseling, find things that make you happy. I think once you are HAPPY with yourself/life it attract a better "quality" of people.
You said it yourself, you are 47, you are not getting any younger, so STOP wasting time on a man who DRAINS you emotionally, mentally and financially.
Pack his stuff, tell him it's over, you are done. tell him to GTFO and move on with your life. What he does? Who cares!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2013):
If it's your computer then cut off his access to it. Don't let him add any expenses to your life. If he owns a home then he can go there and invite you over.
There is a big difference between being supportive and becoming a doormat. I hope that the counseling helps you see how you are participating in his ill-treatment of you.
Don't worry about him for now, worry about you, as you said your self-esteem is so low you don't know how you'll ever recover. His self-esteem is his own problem. You need to focus on why you allow men into your life who mistreat you.
Step one is losing the leech, I hope that happens soon so you can create new healthier patterns in your life.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, SoftlyCaress +, writes (11 November 2013):
SoftlyCaress is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you all , But it is not in fear of me being alone but him being alone .Its not the fear of not being able to make it either cause i do very well in that department . I want to be happy and I am starting counseling and will take it from there .I know I am a good person and I can remember my father so many times saying baby girl you cant carry the weight of the world on your shoulders . I am so guilty of doing that for Christ sake even when me ex husband of 30 yrs left me and had to have surgery i took care of him for 6 months in my home not because i loved him but because we married so young and we are more like siblings now . My family has taken him under their wing as well . I swear all i want to do is to be able to say NO MORE AND WALK AWAY ! I do Thank You All For Your Responses .....
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (11 November 2013):
 In my mind your best bet is to get away from this cretan and find a real human.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (11 November 2013):
 Well, I don't think you are ever going to be happy with the guy you described. He is just using you. But goodness, there are a lot of descent men out there.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (11 November 2013):
 The solution to your problem is as easy as packing up his things and telling him to leave. I know that emotionally it's not that easy. You are living in fear - fear of being alone maybe. If you need the courage to make this next important step in your life, then seek counselling and maybe group therapy for people who have suffered abuse. All you need is a bit of confidence and a support network to know that you'll be OK when you kick him out.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (11 November 2013):
 This guy is dragging you down. End the relationship now. You deserve so much better - someone who'll love and respect you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2013): For starters you need to find happiness within yourself. You need to be happy with your own life first. Do not look for happiness from a man. A man is not going to make it all better. And when you are happy in your own life, the RIGHT man will come. This man's purpose has been to fill a void and now that the "fun" is over, he's really only there taking up space as you said. This man is doing all these things because you are allowing them to happen. You should be able to have converstaions about what you both want, what your goals for the future are, etc., but instead you are just going along with a great big elephant in the room and nobody is acknowledging it.You have a free-loader with no direction on your hands. And until you start require this man to step up and the two of you decide what you relationship is, nothing is going to change.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 November 2013):
 You write: "I want to find Happiness again but for some reason I dont think it is going to be with him." CORRECT!!!!!
Soooo, puff out your chest, take a deep breath, and say to yourself: "O.K. so THAT dog is out of my life.... NOW, I'll just do what I need to do to get some semblence of balance (in your life)" .... THEN... RELAX, and note that YOU are in control of your happiness...... and that you will be wise to NOT have it be based on ANY guy... until/unless you find one of those rare "real gentlemen"... who are so few-and-far-between....
Meanwhile, I always find solice in volunteering.... (Seems like there's ALWAYS someone who has it "bad enough" to make my life look like a cake-walk!!!)...
Good luck....
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