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female
,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for seven months now. Before my husband and I got married we had sex on a regular basis (We weren't living together though). Now we are married we have it at the most twice a month (Were only 23 and have no kids!!) I don't know what to do. I try initiating sex but as soon as I touch him he says 'not tonight' or 'I'm tired.' I really don't know what to do. Any ideas? I have tried talking to him and he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. I am not sure what to do now it is really upsetting me.
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female
reader, Danielle934 +, writes (21 March 2006):
 It seems I am in the exact situation as you (except im 21 and have been married 5 months). Me and my husband dated for 3 years before marriage and had sex about every day too. Once we moved in together after the wedding I noticed a big change in him, I was lucky to make love to him once a week (if even that), and I brought up the subject many times, but he never had anything to say about it, it seems he tried to have sex with me whenever I brought the subject up, just to shut me up. I was frustrated and didnt know what to do, the worst part is how stupid I felt after I found out why he was being like this. It turns out he was jerking off to pornos on a daily basis, which led him to have no sexual interest in me anymore... he was taking care of his needs, without thinking of mine. When I finally stumbled upon his videos on the computer, I confronted him, this was 3 months ago, and we still have fights about this same subject. He acts like any typical male would in his situation, saying things like "all guys do it, its natural" and when he found out I wasnt going to buy into that crap he tried telling me he hates our sex life too, but he has no time to have sex with me because we go to bed too late and he has to get up in the morning and jerking off is fast compared to having to turn me on (which is a lie because in the past year and a half we never had sex for over 5 min except for mabye 3 times), but then he had nothing to say when I told him if he was truly unhappy then why didnt he try doing something about it, like suggesting going to bed a little earlier. It all came down to him being lazy and selfish. He didnt want to have to take a little bit of time to turn me on, so he looked at porn for a bit to satisfy his sexual needs, and he basically got addicted to doing it, even though he wont admit it, and to prove to me he wasnt addicted he said he would stop. He has "stopped" 5 times since January, and as of right now I have no clue if he is still looking at it because everytime we got in a fight about it, he just got better at hiding it. I have tried time and time again to try and make him understand how him viewing porn makes me feel, and what it is doing to our relationship, but he justifies himself looking at it becaue he could be doing worse things like cheating on me, or getting other girls phone numbers. I left him a couple of weeks ago for almost a week because of all of this, I told him that if he could get pleasure out of something that was hurting not only me, but our relationship as well, then I cant belive that he loves me at all and there is no need for me to be with someone who dosent truly love, and care for me. When I came back to get a few things, somehow I ended up staying, believing him that he dosent look at it anymore, he did seem a little more sincere, and sad of thinking he ws going to loose me. Since then things have been a lot better in the bedroom, we make love almost everynight, but I cant help but still wonder if he is hideing his porn files somewhere I dont know about, and how stupid I will feel when I find them again. He refuses to go to marriage counciling because he dosn't think there is a problem. There really is nothing more for me to do except enjoy what we are having now, and hope he keeps his promise this time.Sorry this is so long!! I'm not saying this is what has happened with your husband, but it could be something similar. Try getting a 3rd party (that you both can trust, probably a male) involved, because that is what I did with my husband last time and it worked a lot better than trying to talk to him myself. Sometimes people have to hear something from a third persons view until they realize what is going on. If he dosent have sex with you then he has to be satisfying his own needs in one way or another. I wonder if you are always around when he is home, does he get enough alone time... enough to miss your company? I hope all of this helps somehow, I am very interested in finding out what happens with you and your husband, seeing as I had a similar problem, keep us posted if anything changes!
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 March 2006):
 Something has changed. You need to deak with it now as it won't get better on it's own. Your marriage is young. You should have many happy years left. If this is a situation that REALLY bothers you, it must be dealt with or maybe you should split up. In the end, it will frustrate you and you WILL resent him for it.
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