A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with the father of my child for 5 out of the 6 years we've known each other. It has been a hard five years in all honesty. In 2006 he left me because he said that we weren't compatible. During that time he dated a couple of people one of which he still is in touch with and has "gossip sessions" with. We got back together in 2007 because he said that he came to the realiation that I am the one for him. The beginning of 2007 wasn't easy at all and neither was the end of 2007, he was just on his own mission and nothing I did was ever good enough. Being myself, I got very emotional about how he was choosing to handle our problems, which was basically by leaving me and our daughter home alone and coming back at odd hours, without letting me know where he was, this went on for months. I cried and shouted a lot during that time and was just ignored while he continues with his life. This continued into the better part of the beginning of 2008. Round about March 2008 things improved. He's always had problems with my communication processes, saying that I don't know how to talk which results in him shutting me out and just carrying on the way that he does. He also has had problems with my weight which I've addressed and have lost 10Kg's in the passed 4 months and still want to lose more. He was very blunt about his dissatisfaction about the way I looked and how he wasn't proud of me and that's why he didn't like taking me out. My life with him consists of him sitting on the couch watching TV, when he goes out he leaves me home alone all the time, he never takes me out, and just doesn't make any effort to spend time with me and our daughter. He has a very active social life and his friends are his life and he has plans with them regarding life in general but not with me. I cook, clean and take care of him and he really doesn't help me with anything, which I accepted and tried to just look past. He's recently started a business with a close friend of mines (boyfriend and another mutual friend of theirs. My close friend has broken off with her boyfriend as a result of the same problems I have. I don't know how definite the break up is, but she made the right decision. She has more of a backbone than I do. The reason for the break up is that they (my boyfriend and her's and the other friend) have business meetings like every other day that go into the early mornings regularly. I've been quiet about all of this until recently. Our house is literally a sleeping spot for my boyfriend. Ok, so for the past 3 weeks I guess I reached my limit, so I told him that he needs to be more transparent about his life outside the house. He never explains anything to me about his meetings and his business and his general whereabouts. My boyfriend translated that into meaning that I want to control him and that I am competing with his life's plans. Last sunday I lost it. We share one car and all's been well until this business. He's chosen to travel to work with my friends boyfriend (they also work together) and most weekends they're together, and not home. The result is that I don't wait around for him to decide to spend time with me and our daughter. I usually just have plans for the two of us. This passed he told me that he feels like I'm holding him at ransom with the car, he feels like he has to beg me when it comes to the car usage. In a way, he's right. I resent everything that is going on and as a result where in the passed if he needed the car I'd forgo my plans, I don't do that anymore. He then threatened, I say threatened cause that's how it came out, to get his own BMW and downgrade our accommodation because he doesn't see why he has to go through this. We had a major fight and my mom was there. Last Monday night he came home at 1:00 am). No explanation. Again, he's sick of my communication processes. I don't know how to handle this situation. He's decided to sleep in daughters room because he said that I have a negative aura and so does he and we should keep each other's distance. I asked him when we can talk about this and he said when he has time, and that he's deliberately not talking to me this week because he needs to focus on work and I am a distraction and he'll not let me screw things up for him. So I asked him if he's met someone else, he of course denied that but in a very aggressive manner. One thing I've also noticed is how every time he comes home, he immediately receives a message or he takes time coming in after parking, maybe I'm letting my imagination go wild. One thing I'm not imagining is how he doesn't let go of his phone, ever. I think he's cheating but I just don't know for sure. He has cheated in the pastI'm in such a bad space and I really need your help. I know what you're all thinking and really, I think I'm pathetic and stupid too and that its there in black and white. My confidence levels are not as high as they used to be and he told me that I am making him responsible for my happiness which he isn't and I agree with. But it feels as if he's going out of his way to make me unhappy. for whatever reason, I'm still hanging on, and honestly I don't know why. I'm just really hurting and need some advice. I sms'd him yesterday asking him to please talk to me cause if I initiate any discussion, he will find some way of turning it into a fight. He never replied. Its been a week of only hello and good bye and I just can't do this much longer. Life for him continues and I just don't have it in me to just leave, which is what I should do but I just can't or don't know how. I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to be another statistic. But I feel so under appreciated and it hurts me to know that he know that he believes that I don't want him to succeed in life. There, all my dirty laundry. Please help me. Maybe its me and not him. I do shout and scream but that's after I've been pushed a lot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): This is just advice from some woman you don't know, but I hope it helps. You are a very special person-and you are with a man who does not seem to value you as you are. Take care of yourself and your child. If you are overweight or obese, take care of your body for your health, for your life. Eat in moderation, and excercise in moderation. If you're not in school, think about continuing your education, if you're not working, find a job and save up your own money so you can take care of yourself and your child. Have your own place, (or live with your family, or real true friends) let your man have his own separate place. Have your own car, let him have his own. He has his friends, you deserve to have your friends, too. God really cares about you, and your child...pray and ask God what to do, read the Bible, find a Bible church (Protestant, or Catholic, Orthodox, or even Anglican, or Messianic Jewish) and makes friends at church who care about you and your child. You child does need a father. Do not take your child away from a Daddy, don't take
the father away from the child, but it's up to you if you should stay or go...but if I were you, I'd only be around this man so the father and child can have some time together-I would not live with him anymore, cook for him anymore, or be in any relationship with him anymore, other than as co-parents of a child. I would not be friends with him or anything more than friends with him-if I were you.
If he really wanted to be with you and your child, he would be taking care of you both, and spending as much time as possible with you. From what you are telling me of his actions-what he is doing is telling me-he does not really want to be with you anymore. It seems like maybe he is cheating on you. If you decide to stay with him anyway-always use latex condoms and practice birth control because if he has cheated on you, he could be giving you something like AIDS that you can never get rid of. The choice is yours. Do what you think is best for you and your child.
A
female
reader, Elisiance  +, writes (17 December 2008):
 Hi Sweetie, boy you are going through a lot! First of all, you don't want to be another statistic by being a woman who stays with a man who treats you with such a lack of respect. You are the example your daughter will look to in all of her future relationships...would you want a man to treat her this way? I'm all for communication and sometimes we get pissed, resent our partner or wish he/she would not do that embarassing thing or would dress better. What you are describing is tearing at the core of who you are as a woman, and you do not deserve that (noone does).
You aren't being appreciated for your efforts (cleaning, cooking, and caring for HIS child!) The least he could do is give you a positive comment now and then. As for the cel phone, very odd behavior and suspect. You live together, there shouldn't be any secrets. The exuse that you don't know how to communicate or that you have a 'bad aura' is complete BS. It's not your imagination and if he had any interest in easing your fears or concerns, he would not shut you down like this and would give you an explanation or include you on what he is doing (business or otherwise).
Simply waiting around for him to wake up is not enough. Or are you waiting on him to stay gone ALL night, before it's the last straw? You spoke of a friend who had 'more backbone than you'...well what is it that has your backbone soft? Are you afraid of how you will make it? How you will support your Daughter?
Instead of moping around feeling bad about yourself, start to do some thing to empower you. Do you have childcare? Can you take a class or gain a skill? Anything you can do to make yourself feel more confident and capable will help you develop that backbone. Developing a stronger sense of who you are and feeling like you have something to contribute to the world (and to your daughters world), will go a heck of a long way towards making you less likley to accept this type of treatment from him or ANYONE in the future.
It doesn't sound like you are in a position to just walk away, but you have got to stop being a doormat. While you are under the same roof and he is still your man, improve every aspect of who you are...for you and your little girl!
If he's paying attention and can deflate his ego a little bit, he will recognize these changes in you and clean up his act. Putting yourself in a position of 'I don't need you, I am choosing to be with you.', will make it a lot more difficult to treat you like you are the housekeeper. Housekeepers get better treatment than this.
I hope this helps...and youv'e got backbone to air your "dirty laundry" here, so you are closer than you think;)
Elise
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