A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 21 y.o woman and have been with my partner for 7 months. We were best friends years before we got together. I have a jealousy problem anytime we go out i feel like i have to watch where he is looking an if i see him look at another women i get so mad an i just want to go home, and i dont speak to him an all this anger builds up inside me until i eventually get so mad i start saying harsh things to him. I once was on my computer and seen that he had looked at a porno site and was so hurt an when i asked him about it he lied until i finally got him a few days later. He told me he would never do it again if it hurt me so much. I told him im not comfortable with myself and him doin that makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like im so ugly he has to look at another women. i love him so much an i want to be able to not worry about it. I even check his emails and any mail he gets. i deleted any girls he had on his myspace i feel like im goin insane. i ve had problems like this with other partners an want it to stop. i have read so many articles on other ppl who feel exactly the same and so many ppl reply an say that you've either got an obsession or somthin like that but than there are other ppl who say it is not you who has the problem because your the one who doesnt belive in finding anyone else attractive when your in a loving relationship. please help me. nikki
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Let's separate out your feelings and behavior and his feelings and behavior.
Starting with him; you don't say much about his feelings toward you, obviously you're his girlfriend so he has strong feelings about you. You were friends first, and I think that's usually a good way to start out a relationship, because you've had a chance to get to know each other a bit first before starting a romantic relationship. So I'm assuming that he knows you and cares for you.
His behavior, from what you report, you've seen that he's visited a porn site once. He lied about doing it to you, either because it's a major problem and he doesn't want you to find out, or it was just a couple of times, it doesn't mean that much to him, but he knows that you have a major issue with jealousy and he doesn't want to have an argument about it.
And that he had friends that were girls on his myspace. May I assume that you were one of these friends that were girls on myspace? And that the other girls were simply friends? Or has he added them after you two got into a relationship and he's been flirting with them online? This area is a bit unclear, to be honest.
So we don't have much to work with in regard to his feelings/behaviors.
On to your feelings. You acknowledge that you have a problem with jealousy and that this has been an issue with previous boyfriends. You hate that he looks at other women.
Behaviors, these are a bit more clear. You've checked his emails and read his mail. You've deleted any girls from his myspace account. You observe him looking at other girls, let yourself get so upset about it that it becomes a major blow up later.
Let's take things to an illogical extreme, just to illustrate a point.
You hate that he has any feelings of any kind whatsoever for any other women. Therefore, you block any access to women on his part forever. He moves only in a male world, there are no women around either in shops, or at work, school, television, the internet. He can't look at them, he can't talk to them, the ONLY woman in his life is you. Would that make you feel better? Or would you still be a bit panicked that one might slip through the protective shield you've erected around him? That one somehow manages to get close to him and STEAL HIM AWAY FROM YOU?
I think that's the real issue for you, that you are jealous because you're afraid of losing him. And in your behaviors, arising from these feelings, you are doing exactly what you're afraid of doing. You are going to drive him away. It might be flattering at first, to know that your girlfriend cares about you so much that she is a bit jealous of other women. But then it becomes monotonous. "Yes, honey, you are the woman for me. No, I do NOT want to go out with her. I was only looking at her because she is attractive, I do NOT want to date her. I am friends with her because she is funny and intelligent. NO, I do not want to date her, I'm dating you, and I want to come home to you. Yes, I had to take a phone call from a female colleague, yes she has a boyfriend, no she doesn't want to date me, and I don't want to date her. I do not have romantic feelings for her, I have those for you."
Enough of these types of conversations, and he is going to get very very tired of defending his interactions with other women, and will eventually become angry that you do not seem to trust him. And this will be the point when his love for you starts to diminish. And if you keep on with with the doubt and snooping and taking it upon yourself to monitor his interactions with other women to the extent of deleting them from his life, he is going to grow resentful. Then another woman, who is a bit more balanced in her world view and isn't nagging and fighting with him all the time is suddenly going to seem much more appealing to him.
So the bottom line is that you have to deal with your own self-confidence and self-esteem and jealousy. And that means building your own sense of self-worth, maintaining good relationships with your other friends and family, staying busy with your own interests and work or school, and learning what it is that you can control and what you can't control. You have to learn to let go and trust.
Now it may be that he's flirting like mad, checking out other women because he's planning to cheat on you, that he has no intention of being faithful. In which case, then he is most definitely NOT the man for you. You cannot control his feelings, and you can only control his behaviors up to a point. You need to step back, determine honestly and not irrationally, what it is that he feels and how he behaves, then make your decision if he is the guy for you. But right now, based on what you've told us, you are doing everything in your power to drive him away from you.
It sounds so romantic to think you could say that your man finds you so attractive and compelling that any other woman he will ever encounter in his life again will look like an old smelly hag. But that is frankly crazy thinking. There is always someone more beautiful and more attractive out there somewhere. But you can admire them from afar, and stay faithful and truthful to your partner.
Sorry for being a bit harsh about this, but I think you know that your jealousy might be irrational. After all, that's why you're here. So have a good think about what I said, about the difference between feelings and behavior, both in his life and in yours.
Wishing you balanced thinking and strong self-esteem.
A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Hi,
from a male's perspective it always puzzles me when I read these posts. Not that I dont understand you, but we fail to see the connection between looking at a good looking girl on the internet and our current partners. Personally I dont have this problem as my wife loves porn and we watch it together. But it is pure fantasy and at the end of the day unless he is masturbating constantly to it and it is affecting your sex life I really cant see the problem.
The problem I can see from your post and it sticks out like a shining beacon, is that you have very low self confidence.
For a man this is about the worst possible scenario for a lasting relationship. The real risk here is him leaving you, if you are spying on him and constantly baderging him about other women then he won't stick around for long I'm afraid.
Unless he is really flirting with other women the solution lies with you, get some counselling before he suddenly decides he wants an easier life.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 I can feel the panic inside you at the moment. Don't worry darling. You're not alone in this. Us girls - well most of us - don't get the porn stuff and the need for that extra bit of excitement or thrill the men find in this stuff - BUT its not a reflection of you. You could be Pamela Anderson, or whoever is a sexy woman right now, and they would still need to do it. Its a NEED of THEIRS, and it has nothing to do with you or your relationship. Having said that, I know exactly how you feel when you say you feel not good enough, but probably thats how you feel about yourself anyway, and this porn thing is just bringing that out. What I hope will happen here is that some guys will reply to your message because they are the ones to listen to. They will tell you how it means nothing to a man and that he can look and just forget after - whereas we think about it for days, weeks, months after. They forgot it long ago. And apparently the same is true when they look at a pretty girl when we're out. I hear from the guys that as soon as she is out of vision, so is their memory of her. So don't beat yourself up. Its how you are, its who you are, but try looking at yourself and seeing how great you are - so why would your partner want someone else. Look at all you have to offer. Praise yourself. Make yourself look sexy - for you - and see how good you look. When you feel good about yourself, so will your partner feel good about you. Good luck hun.
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A
female
reader, countrygirlWV +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Me and u have bout the same problem I'm a jealouse girl to but I see it as at least I care enough. I have been withh my BF for almost 2 years andim like that sometimes. As long as u aint ruening his life or get into huge arguements its fine.U love him right so of coarse u don't want him to be or even look at someone else. But work on given a lil more trust into him that's one way to show u care also.
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