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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a 22 year old girl, in a serious relationship with a 32 year old man. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and broght a house together 18 months ago. Everything is going well but I now have growing concerns about our age difference...We both want children. But WHEN is the issue. My ideal age to have children would be from 28 onwards. But he feels he will be too old at 38 to have a first child. He feels very strongly about this, and I almost feel that I should compromise my situation and settle for having children at a younger age. I just don't feel I will be old enough before then, as there is so much I want to do before having kids. We are best friends, and together for life, but I am concerned about what to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2006): Thank you so much for your support. It is greatly appreciated and has helped me. I have been able to have a long discussion with my partner about all of this, and many htings have been resolved. There were a lot of tears between us but mostly because of the stress this issue has started to cause on our relationship.The outcome of our talk...He has realised how I feel about the age issue of having children. I don't think he actually thought about how it would affect me. I completely understand where he is coming from too. But my man is incredibly fit, healthy and I know he will be this way for many years to come. He goes to the gym 5 times a week so is phsyically in great shape. I pointed this out to him, and he now sees that by the time I'm 27/28 he will still feel just as he does now, young and energetic. I too then will have dont the things I have needed to do on my own. I am working through my finances at present and have no doubt that I will be money trouble free by the time we choose to have children . We are looking at buying our second house, and with the strain of having children within 2 1/2 years gone, I can now push my career to its full potential, following a wonderful pay increase I have just recieved. Sometimes, no matter how much you love eachother, some things can just be so hard to talk about, and compromise on. I think we have done just that. I have much growing and learning to do before we have children, and my partner has promised to stand by me and grow with me. Good things really are worth waiting for.Thank you all so kindly.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (17 August 2006):
 I also wanted to say that I commend you for such clear articulation of your situation. You have been thinking about your dilemma for some time and your writing shows it.
I worried about financial capacity (of lack thereof) when I was younger - I probably still do. When we had our kid, my wife and I were both working but we made sure that we could live on one salary. At times we had to live one salary and we didn't break a sweat. We're happy about the timing we chose for having kids, and we still both work.
Again, my path is not necessarily the path you may choose, but I understand your need to be financially ready for children. Finances can be a source of stress and the resulting strife can lead to marriage breakdown. Plus I understand your need to make it on your own - there's nothing wrong with wanting to be self-sufficient, and I for one admire that in anyone.
Finally, don't let other's moral standards affect your choices. You seem to have a strong moral standard and it will serve you well - as long as you listen to that inner voice!
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (17 August 2006):
Honey, to say that you really want kids but that you want them later on in life means you don't want to have kids now. Please accept this fact and frame your discussions this way.
I have a close friend that is facing a similar situation. Her guy is 6 years older and appears ready to have kids now. She is just starting a career that requires all of her energy and attention, ergo she is not ready to have kids.
Her choice is to delay having kids for a few years. The ball is in his court now. He can choose to wait or move on and find another who wants to crank up the baby-making machine now.
I'm not saying that you should follow her path - every circumstance is different. But it is clear that what you want and what he wants is very different RIGHT NOW.
You have life goals to achieve that might be set back (but not necessarily destroyed) if you start having kids now. I think it is pretty clear what your instinct is telling you, so set your priorities and follow through. My wife was almost thirty before she had kids, and I have a friend who started having kids in her late thirties after she had gotten her career going. It's not going to kill either of you to wait, but that's only my opinion.
If you listen to your inner voice and follow through you won't go wrong. Listening to it helps you to be able to look yourself in the mirror and feel good about the choices you make in life.
Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): I am the girl that has posted this question. Thank you all your offereing your advice.
Yes, over the past 3 1/2 years we have talk about children a number of times, and have both always been excited by the fact that we both want them.
The reason I say I want to be of around the age of 28 (give or take a little) is because things have only just started to get going for me at 22. I have just landed the job I have been working to get for 5 years, and it's an exciting career that I have worked very hard for. I was hoping that it would last a little longer than 3 years. I have personal debt that I very much want to get rid of, and it will take a good few years to do so. Children sooner than I was hoping would create a lot of financial pressure on me as now I finally have the chance to get some savings under my belt.
The other thing I want to do is some travelling before having a family. My partner has never really travelled, but this is more my dream than him. I will not have to money to do so for abour 3 years. There just seems to be a lot that I had planned for my twenties, and he has been there and done it all - therefore is now ready for a family soon. I just feel that I will regret not doing all the things that my other friends have done through their twenties. I have many passions that I wish to pursue before children are on the scene. Plus we are looking at buying our second house together soon, and my income is not great enough for the things that I want, and feel I need to do for myself let alone others so soon. I feel selfish.
Don't get me wrong. We BOTH really want kids. I guess we are just at a different stage in our lives at the moment and need to come to a compromise. The difficult thing is I'm willing to, but my partner is very set on having kids in three years. Is it wrong that I'm beginning to feel trapped? He is the love of my life, and the one man I ever want to be with. It's a tough one.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (16 August 2006):
 I'm confused by one aspect. Being together for 3-1/2 years wouldn't you all have talked about this already? I mean I know marriage came up so of course children would have too. Anyway, children don't make things impossible to do, they just add a little more to the equation. I understand your plyte. You should come to a mid point as camille suggested. I for one don't want to be 75 years old trying to teach my son how to throw a curve ball. Communicate and compromise. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (16 August 2006):
sorry about the multiple posts - error!
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (16 August 2006):
What is it that you want to do in the next 6 child-free years? Can you do some of it sooner? I'd suggest why not half the difference as a compromise & make it 25 rather than 28. I don't think 38 is too old for him though it sounds like you yourself are pushing the idea of children way, way off into the future whereas he's thinking of it more realistically.
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (16 August 2006):
What is it that you want to do in the next 6 child-free years? Can you do some of it sooner? I'd suggest why not half the difference as a compromise & make it 25 rather than 28. I don't think 38 is too old for him though it sounds like you yourself are pushing the idea of children way, way off into the future whereas he's thinking of it more realistically.
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (16 August 2006):
What is it that you want to do in the next 6 child-free years? Can you do some of it sooner? I'd suggest why not half the difference as a compromise & make it 25 rather than 28. I don't think 38 is too old for him though it sounds like you yourself are pushing the idea of children way, way off into the future whereas he's thinking of it more realistically.
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (16 August 2006):
 To be honest you'll have to try and reach a compromise. He can have children at practically any age but you have to respect his wishes. If it was the other way around, as it is for me (except I'm 36, boyfriend 26), you'd probably feel that your body clock was in control and it's more understanable for women to have that pressure. Maybe you could discuss this further with him, maybe even say that 26 may be possible for you to consider. Personally i don't think 38 is too old to be a first time Dad, look at Brad Pitt and the many other men who are in their prime. When the child is 20, he'd still be under 60! Unless he's out of shape then it seems he's ruling out quite a lot, but then it's his life. He does need to consider this a joint decision though which comes back to compromise. Whatver you want to do, don't think children will make your dreams impossible and maybe there'll be time to pick them up again when they are grown as you'll still be just under 40.
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