A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met someone at work 12 years ago. He was co habiting and had children but was not married or in love with the mother anymore (he said), but would not leave out of love/duty etc. for/to the children (does this really happen?). He pursued me relentlessly but made it clear he'd never leave her. I didn't want to get involved but he wore me down and I'd fallen big time by then. He convinced me there was no love between them (separate bedrooms, no sex, separate lives, she didn't love him either, but they had an "arrangement" for the sake of the children, more like a sister etc.) After a year or so, of friendship/work relationship we began the inevitable affair. As we gradually fell in love (it did feel like love), I truly believed he would change his mind/see the light.. eventually. "She" knew he was seeing someone else (even encouraged it) and was happy about it as it suited their situation. He did not, of course, see any light and I ended the affair 7 years and so much heartache later. It took a year to cut myself off completely and almost put me in hospital as by then I had terrible depression, anxiety attacks and felt worthless although I knew it was my own fault. He did not want to stop seeing me and made it difficult. He said he loved me over and over. I stuck to my guns, severed all contact and gradually over the next 5 years, put it behind me. I never ever loved again and stayed single looking after my 2 great kids who are now 23 and 18. 2 years ago I bumped into him again and we got chatting. It was OK. I felt in control and we were able to "be friends". 10 months ago he announced that she was leaving him, and she did, 2 weeks before Xmas 09 and is happily with another man now. So, guilt free (on his part) it was our opportunity to be together. It's early days in our "new" relationship, but obviously not in the grand scheme. I fit neatly into his life, his kids love me (they are great kids), I love him, but he never speaks of the future (living together, marriage). We live in separate homes (I'm always packing a bag to go to him as his place is bigger and his children are still young) but I feel he's not so keen to share in my life. I feel he wants me to be there with him and resents the time I spend with my own kids when they are home from Uni). If he really meant what he said all those years ago should he be more enthusiastic about us and our future together ? Should I give him more time to get over the whole separation (he does really miss and love his kids and it's only been 6 months since they moved out)?? Am I completely mad for even going there ???? Do I admire him for keeping his family together or resent him for not loving me enough ??? This exercise has been quite therapeutic and I've probably answered all my own questions, but I would be really interested to see how the world views this situation. Thanks
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affair, at work, fell in love, moved out Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2010):
I'll tell you now that you are wasting time with this man. All those problems he had before will be there now. I really wouldn't go further with him at all. You'll end up hurt.
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 I think he is not in a place where he can have a relationship much less commit to one. He needs to sort out his feelings because even though he "didn't love" his ex, she left him. You left him. He's been rejected and he needs to get over that. The other thing he has going on is that he is lonely I am sure and he misses his kids. His world has changed dramatically and he needs to figure out how he is going to respond to this.
He isn't in a good place to make a decision about you. If you come into his world before he is ready you run the risk of being his crutch to cling to for this new world. Even though he may not be doing this intentionally, he might be using you to avoid coming to terms with things.
Slow it down. Keep your options open and try to see him as a friend until he is healthier. See your kids when you want to and do not let him interfer with that relationship. Don't get too close with his kids either. They are being hurt enough. Anyone who doesn't share "your life" or come around to your home is taking more than they are giving.
I'd hate to see your heart break again over the same man.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): You were his mistress for such a long time. Have you learnt anything from the devastating effects of your affair. This man ripped your life apart years ago and he will do so again I so be warned. Seems like you have invested too much in him already. I think you have made up your mind to be with him in spite of the reality of your situation. I think a few years from now you will come to the realisation that he was not worth it at all. This man will never commit to you and I think you know it. It is very rare that a (ex) mistress ends up as a proper life partner (meaning wife).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Wow!!!! I'm currently in the same situation. We have been seeing each other for nearly three years now & he has told me the same thing he has not been in love with his wife but is willing to put his happiness aside for the sake of his three kids that's one of the reasons he continues to stay in the marriage. Your situation I can totally relate to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Honey- he obviously has commitment problems BEFORE he had the affair, or we wouldn't have had an affair... so saying he has it afterward is bizarre...
Seriously, your dealing with someone who's not from a conventional background and you need to wake up and learn that you're NOT going to change him. Access him for what he is and where he's at. If you can live with that, go for it. If NOT, don't... any assumption that he's going to change is foolish.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (5 July 2010):
 "Does this really happen?" Yes. Some people actually put their children before themselves. They still have needs, though, and if he saw a way to meet his needs without abandoning his kids, I'm not surprised he took it.
"Inevitable affair." It was *not* inevitable. You chose to accept his propositions. You knew how complicated it would get.
"Should I give him more time?" Yes, because it's not just the loss of his kids, it's the fact that you broke it off earlier. He probably thinks *you* have committment issues.
"Am I completely mad?" No, just addicted to drama like most women. It's not bad, it just complicates things.
"Do I admire him or resent him?" Only you can answer that, but I suspect its a mix of both.
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