A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24, and my new husband's 25. We've been married for 3 weeks now and are set to go on honeymoon soon.Since we got married he's lost all interest in sex - when I initiate it he is more interested in surfing the Internet to look up pension plans.It's his birthday in a few weeks soon - and I booked a nice romantic meal to celebrate us being together for 4 years - but he says he's booked a meeting with a pensions advisor for that day.He seems to have lost all interest in all activities he enjoyed (before we wed) - his hobbies are motorbikes, eating out and socialising - and is more concerned about what he'll be doing in retirement instead. He's also lost his spark and zest for life he used to have - when we were dating/engaged he used to surprise me with things, or do things that made me unexpectedly happy, but now that's gone.I asked him why he is acting like this, but he just stated "It's not really your concern... it's mine!"I don't know why he's doing this. He's certainly got nothing to worry about in terms of money (he earns a large amount of money in freelancing as an IT technician).I feel more like I'm married to an OAP and miss the person he used to be. How do I get him back??If you were in my situation, what would you do?? I really don't know where to go next.(P.S. I also posted this somewhere else on the web, just to get advice and views from other people)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): PS: It might take a little longer than I originally thought. Looking at Uncle Phil's answer your husband might soon start sorting out a pension for you too. Oh dear... anyway remember Patience and Kindness on your part will go a long, long way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): He's sounds scared and frightened the poor thing. He's just realised he's married and his brain and his emotions have gone on overload. He's probably thinking something like this....
"WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, Must look after wife, must protect wife, what happens if I die, must make sure wife is safe, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, can't have sex, might make a mistake and then she'll leave, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE... I love my WIFE, must make wife safe, why did I get married, now I'm married, I'll get old and I'll soon be dead... Ahhhahah, I made a mistake, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE".
Pension planning therefore is a very calming, less stressfull thing for him to concentrate on. He's in a panic, but this is no good for you, you wanted a husband to love and share things with, you didn't want to marry a total basket case. You need to be very kind and gentle with him, he's brain has gone funny, and he might convince himself it's better if he ran away and left you. He knows there is something strange with his behaviour, but he can't get it under control, it's not his fault, he dosen't mean to be this way, but he can't help it.
Uncle Phil is a man, he thinks like a man. Uncle Phil thinks it sensible for your husband to sort out his pension right NOW. I'm a woman, just like you. I think it's crazy to think about pensions when your still on honeymoon and have only been married for three weeks. Please pick up a copy of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", by John Grey (available in all good bookshops) It will help you to understand and communicate with your husband, and it will give you something to do, whilst he refuses to come to bed.
You can make this man a very good wife. Firstly, because you have more sense than him, and he needs your help and guidance to get normal again. Secondly, because you have been sensible enough to listen to him bore you with his talk about all his intrests and hobbies, you now know what makes your man tick. Information and Knowledge is power, that's what I believe.
Emily is perfectly right, but be carefull of hitting him. It might make things worse. He can't understand wife yet, he'll have problems finding out that women can be violent too. Patience, patience, patience, when you have been with him for five years, then you can start giving him light little taps when his brain gets funny again.
Remember under all that strong husband stuff, he's just a little boy and he really dosen't know what to do.
Solutions: Don't get upset about the small things. Pension advisor appointment, no problem. This will make him feel safer, it will make him more in control. Romantic meals good. Try and tempt him out of his madness by doing things for him that you think he will like. If he neglects his hobbies, then you have to remind him of what he really likes to do, because he's forgotten. Buy him some motorbike magazines, buy him some motorbike stuff. If it dosen't offend you, buy him some mainstream porn, to remind him he's a sexual man that has always liked girls. He was a great boyfriend before, he used to do nice things for you. Well now it's your turn, he's in trouble, it's time for you to do nice things for him. Your supposed to be on honeymoon, but he's forgotten to join you. I suggest you pretend your on honeymoon, but arrange all the nice things yourself, he'll soon be ok (once he sorts out pension) and he will join you too.
Remember, he's just a scared little boy. Lots of hugs and kisses and small surprises will help him feel secure. Your still on honeymoon, think of wonderfull loving, sexy, romantic things that newly wed couples are supposed to do.
Everything will be alright, but you got to take control. Live your marriage as you mean to go on. Put happiness, love and kindness in the driving seat, and ignore the small stuff. He will soon be ok, it'll just take a little time, and a little hard work. I wish you both well, never forget why you married this charming, thoughtfull man.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 July 2008):
Maybe he's just in shock as suddenly being a "Husband" rather than your bloke.
Remind him that just because you are married it doesn't mean you want to sit in front of the TV embroidering and knitting. You want to do things as before.
I think your holiday will probably bring him back down to earth and cheer him up a bit.
And if he ever uses that "it's not your concern, it's mine" line again then clip him around the ear and tell him that as his wife, you are the biggest concern he's ever going to have. You are a team now. He doesn't suddenly have to provide for you while you spew out babies.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): He's being very sensible sorting out his pension now. By the time he gets to state pension age it'll be even more of a pittance than it is now. He should be sorting one out for you too. Trust me, it may seem a long way off yet, but it'll be upon you sooner than you think!
Of course, he shouldn't be concentrating solely on that at the expense of your relationship, so I'd suggest helping him out with the future plans and persuading him that a bit of fun is missing from your life. Everyone needs a break from the dull routine of normal life now and then. He needs to know how you feel about it so make sure you leave him in no doubt about how miserable you're feeling because of his behaviour. If he ignores you, it might be time to re-assess your marriage, short though it is.
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