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*ryphon
writes: Hi All,Sorry this is going to be a long post...I've been in a deep and passionate relationship for a little over 3 years now. Within the last couple months something has changed and when we talk about it, she says she cant put her finger on what the change is other than she's just not sure we're meant to be together. During our discussions we both cry and tell each other how much we love each other and she says that she cannot lose me but still cannot make our relationship right in her head. But after all of that she is still convinced that one of her last options may just be to leave me, but she wants us to be friends - a concept I simply do not think will work because of how miserable I will be every time i see her. I have no idea what I should be doing, and all I can think about is what we will lose if she decides to leave. We have agreed to a trial-separation and she is going to move in with a friend, and even though this isn't totally official yet, I trudge through my day completely and overwhelmingly depressed. I have never felt so miserable in my life and I can only really attribute it to the fact that everything was going great and suddenly a universal light-switch somewhere flicked off and now she's having doubts. I don't know how to handle a trial-separation and I don't know how to go about with my daily life feeling so terribly downtrodden. I've tried nearly everything I can think of to rid myself of the depression, I have tried optimistically thinking that maybe this will be good for the both of us and nothing is working. If anybody has had a similar past experience and could offer any insight I would greatly appreciate it.Thanks much,~Jake~
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reader, iamsoscrewedup333 +, writes (21 April 2006):
I don't mean to be a downer, but I'd give 10 to 1 odds that she is seeing someone else. Just from experience, it has happened to me and I have done it as well, when you can't think of an actual way to break up the old, something is different and things are not the same always beats I found someone else. I bet in a couple of weeks/months she suddenly "finds someone". Again, hate to say it, but the way you decribed it is too weird
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reader, Gryphon +, writes (21 April 2006):
Gryphon is verified as being by the original poster of the question While I’m afraid that all of you gave me really good advice, but not the hope that I was desperately looking for. I really appreciate the time and the responses and think that I have finally managed to make myself stronger, but I’m still just baffled at how we went from ‘soulmates’ to this. For those of you who suggested I try to force an answer or better explanation out of her – I’ve tried and she still says that she just doesn’t know and that’s why she needed to move out (so she could find it). She has officially moved out now, so maybe the healing will begin doubling its efforts (I certainly hope so).
What’s more, I just found out that my parents (married for 25 years) are on the verge of divorce because of the exact same indefinable but lost feeling. Sufficed to say, I think 2006 is going to be a miserably memorable year…
Thanks again because your thoughts mean the world to me…
~Jake~
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reader, Mariels +, writes (21 April 2006):
Hello Jake,
I'm going through a similar thing. My boyfriend is almost 5 years younger than me and after buying a house and living together for 8 months and going back home to his mum 3 times then coming back, he turned around to me last night and said "I do love you but I'm not in love with you". As the previous readers have said. He doesn't know what he wants. Like you I have done everything I can to take the pressure of the household commitments off him, did all the housework, sorted all the bills, cooking etc. He didn't have to do anything. Then he basically said to me that I don't do enough for him. Just want you to know that there is nothing more that you can do, it is up to the other person. I have learned that you can't save someone. You will have to let her go or it will chew you up inside. I made the mistake of putting him on a pedestal and he didn't respect me for it in the end. I understand the situation completely and I am moving on with my life. Just remember that she is not a better human being than you are, you also deserve for someone to treat you like you are special, and when the time is right, someone will come to you with so much love to offer you that you couldn't possibly be hung up about this one thing for the rest of your life. The world is a vast place, there are so many things to experience and so many people you will meet. Have your grieving period, but don't lock yourself away from the world. Don't let this rule your life. Good luck sweetheart xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): Just a hunch, but I'm wondering if she's doing this because of the "I love you but I'm not in love with you'" syndrome? Falling in love is only the first stage of true, deep love. It's impossible to remain in that stage. A mature, solid relationship always shifts from infatuation to a deeper, more secure love, over time. So many young people forget this.
You are depressed because of the hurt. Sometimes you can't get over being hurt until you know you've been heard. Firstly, I think you need to give yourself permission to express your pain and sadness to your gf. I don't mean lovey-dovey chit chats..I mean getting down to the crux of "why' she wants this. It sounds like she's not giving you any real concrete, substantial reasons...just 'that the relationship doesn't feel right??" So where does that leave you? Out there..hanging in limbo wondering 'what the hell went wrong'. Sorry, hun, but I'm thinking there is something you aren't being told. Out of respect to you, you need to find out what...so ask her to be honest, forthright and to come clean.
It's crucial that , if she leaves-you don't live on hope. Take this day by day and begin looking after yourself. You have to be your own friend. You have to help yourself through this pain. Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow and dwell on. It's a painstaking, long process, where you keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking baby steps toward your healing. You will heal, but if she and you just don't make it..remember, you will carry on and learn to trust again. Whenever you get involved in a relationship, you know there's a risk. Don't let a bad experience keep you from living your life to the fullest. You can go through life suspicious and bitter or.., loving and laughing. I am sorry for your pain. Good luck and please..get some answers from her. After 3 years of a committment, solidarity and love...you at least need to know. keep in touch and let us know how you do.
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reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (21 April 2006):
 Things like this do not simply change overnight for no reason, even if your gf isnt consciously aware of it then something, on a sub-conscious level has caused this shift.
In that sense, this trial seperation may be benificial in that, given space, what is on her mind may surface and, if its something you can resolve then you may have a shot at getting back.
Also there is a degree of truth in the saying that absence *can* make the heart go fonder. All these things are in your favour, three years is along time and from what I have read here it doesnt seem one of those instances to me where it is plausible that all the emotions invested would vanish overnight.
There is little you can do in a situation like this except play a long-ball game; remind her you care for her in little ways that dont exert too much pressure but jog her memories of happy times; be there if she needs to talk and she how things pan out. I think you have to be honest with yourself and admit that it is not guranteed you will get back where you were but neither is there call to abandon all hope. Hope that helps, take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): well man, i've went through this very recently..there is no good answer..something changed with her and if she isn't willing to talk about then thats that..you have to live your own life now, with the strong possibility she won't be in it..there are many maybe's here..maybe she'll realize, maybe she'll do this or that, ect..all will put you through more hell than you are going through now...let her do her thing..don't beg or cry..tell her you love her and to take care..call you if and when she is ever ready..mark my words, you try to stay friends, talk to her, ect throught this process and you will be taken along for the wholeeeee ride..from we need a break, to i don't want a relationship anymore, to i'm having so much fun now, to i'm seeing someone else..you don't want to be around man..trust me..let it go..if she comes back then it is meant to be
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