A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, wondering if anyone can give me any advice?7 years ago my husband went behind my back, went on holiday with his mate, both happy to keep me in the dark, my husband pretended to me he was going on a business trip.Just recently i decided to let bygones be bygones and said to my husband that i was happy to see this friend of his. (He did not have contact with this friend for 3 years) as he continued to see him and lie about it to me and so i said for him not to see him anymore, i had truly had enough of his deceit and was thinking seriously of ending the marriage as whats the point without trust?.2 years ago i agreed if he wanted to see this friend that was fine but not be underhand about it, i wasn't interested in knowing what they talked about but have the common courtesy of telling me, especially as at times my husband would tell other friends of ours not to tell me if he saw this friend. I don't believe in lying and don't expect it to be done to me. My husband seemed delighted and realised that i was ok in seeing this friend, he straight away rang him and arranged a game of golf, i felt fine with it and glad that it was now resolved. Last night my husband said they were playing golf near to our home and this friend would be picking him up from our house, again i was fine with it. The time came this morning when his friend was due, i was busy getting kids ready to get them to school, his friend was late and so my husband rang him, i thought nothing of it assumed maybe his friend had got lost as we had only lived here a few weeks when this happened 7 years ago, so that seemed plausible. It turned out his friend was hiding down the road in HIS CAR!! apparently too scared to see me! and was waiting for me to leave with the children. I was annoyed as i thought how pathetic that was. I took children to school and then went to work. Later my husband rang and was sickly sweet on the phone to me, i mentioned this morning and he thought it was really funny, said next time he was sure it would be ok, at this point they were about to have lunch. I lost my cool and told him what i thought loudly and hung up. I had really hoped this was a turning point and i feel now back at square one, i look at my husband now and just dislike him so much, years of lies and i feel i hate him.
View related questions:
on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): Hi, many thanks for your replies. I have wanted more than anything to put this all behind us, this was my reason for meeting up with his friend again and letting it go. I knew his friend fairly well before this and we got on. His friend 7 years ago was going through a divorce and was bitter about women (his now ex wife was cheating on him)
I don't feel anger towards this friend anymore and i probably haven't for a long time. My husband tells lies and has gone behind my back, he goes away with friends,with my blessing just recently went on a sailing trip and next year he is going skiing. That is fine with me. 7 years ago i would have said i would rather he did not go away, reasons being our children were very young and he was away on business on a regular basis, i don't feel there is anything wrong in that. Over the years he has like i say gone away with friends, also golfing hols.
The children are a lot older now, last year he sneakliy took this friend to a football match,lied to my face in front of another friend saying this person was not going!! i had already said to tell me if he was going, why be so devious? i think my husband gets a kick out of lying to me and if it does not stop i will ask for a divorce as at the moment i don't have any respect for him, i am civil to him but i don't want him near me. That is no marriage.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 October 2008):
 You seem a woman of very strong character. First of all you need to be totally upfront and honest with yourself and ask yourself WHY he went on holiday behind your back with his friend without telling you? Why would he do that? What was the reason? Would it have caused a rumpus if he HAD asked you? Would you have categorically said no? Would you have given him grief about it for weeks? What were HIS reasons for not telling you, did he say?
Has he ever been deceitful or kept other things from you throughout your married life or has this been the main thing? I suggest you sit down with him (calmly) and talk to him about it. Tell him the reasons why this has upset you and let him know you really are okay with him seeing his friend, as long as he's upfront with you. I would also ask him to invite is friend round for dinner one night so you can meet him and get to know him personally.
Don't blame the friend though, your strength of character just scares him a little and you don't know what fuel to the fire your husband is feeding him about you.
~Eve~
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): Well u are back at square one! You are still living with the hurt and resentfulness, that your husband lied to you.
Until you forgive him, and his friend, you will never be at ease. Instead of forgiveness you are throwing invisible poisonous darts at your husband, and friend, which is manefesting into an uncomfortable explosion.. or soon to be.
Just be honest, to yourself, and to your husband. Do you wish to continue in this realtionship.. or not? If you do, forgive him, if not move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): I am the poster of this question. I know there is nothing sexual between them and that is a fact, they grew up together have known each other since first school. The reason i suspect his friend is scared of me is because i hit the roof over the deceit with the holiday and then when i saw this friend a few years ago (at a funeral)i looked at him with hate. But over time i have realised that i just don't care anymore, i don't hate him and wanted this all put behind us. Yesterday morning i felt at ease as far as i was concerned this was all resolved, my husband seemed happy that i was ok with it.It Just feels like i'm back to square one now.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): The only thing I can come up with is do you think there is more than just a "friendship" between them? Why else would this friend be scared to meet his friend's wife??? That makes no sense at all. I'm wondering if there's either something between them or if they are up to something when they get together like meeting girls or something. I would be a little unconvinced if I were you too.
...............................
|
