A
female
age
36-40,
*harlieswoofas
writes:I have been seeing my boyfriend for over a year and just after valentines day we had a big blow out and split up, it lasted for just over a month then we got back together, i was sittin in his computer chair one day when he was making me a cup of tea and noticed his emails were on the screen, i didnt read them beacuse i trusted him with all of my heart the thought of him cheatin makes me laugh, but when he came back he got anxious so i pretended that id read them and he was really sorry! i told him i hadnt really read them and he told me while we were single he had joined a dating site, which is fine as id had some oneline chat ups too. So he showed me the email saying that he had changed his profile to say he is no longer looking, whilst he showed me it i noticed it was filthy it had pictures on men-on-men, i made a mental note of site name and searched for his profile, now its a costly service and he had paid a ortune to use it (i would not) and unless you pay you cant see their profiles but you can read the title, now in his title he said 'hi im looking for sexy girls and boys for some dirty naughty fun', as i am now his girlfriend i got freaked out about the boys bit and suspicious, he only chats on one other forum but he winks at all the boys! I confronted him today and he said that he was hoping on meeting a couple either men and men or man and women because he was lonely, although last night on hollyoaks he was making gestures suggesting he was sickened when he saw two males kissing, he also told me that he would enjoy swingin, i wouldnt do that if he paid me i am very much a believer of true love and until today we have never been happier!! i do not understand this at all please help, is he gay? does he still want me? what should i do? will he hurt me? charlie.
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female
reader, charlieswoofas +, writes (14 April 2007):
charlieswoofas is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, i no this is controllin and obsessive but i know 100% that he is on no other dating sites, he told me about the ones he was on and deleted them infront of me, but he is addicted to a computer technology site talking to people mainly about computers but he never flirts with either male or female, i have total acces to anything he writes on internet and wish i had checked up on him when it first started so i could of seen exactly what else he had written on the profile, i know he put pictures of himslef naked on it which he has only done once for me!
I went through a similar confusion state a couple of years back, i myself was drug using not heavily but enough to confuse me, i tried it for a week and hated it. I dont know if he is saying he wouldnt do it and didnt like the idea of it because he can say 'thats what you said'!
I also caught him out about 6 months ago by pretending to be a girl that lives near us put a sexy picture on and chatted to him on his website for a few days before asking him to meet up for some fun and he said he would love to, he did a few mintues later send another message saying that he was happy with me and didnt want to meet. I was devastated and didnt admit it was me until 4 months later.
I guess that could of been an adrenelin rush that made him agree at first and i fully trusted him until that incident even though he changed his mind i cant help but think what if he didnt or doesnt next time! It has left me with great trust issues and he says he really wants me to deal with them in a way that doesnt make me seem loopy!
He does not drink or take any other drug, we both just drink a lot of tea and smoke cigarettes (not for much longer)!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): Hi Charlie,
I think your boyfriend has a lot of things going on here. I am glad to hear that he has been drug free for 15 to 16 months, that is wonderful. But realize that he is in real danger of a relapse, especially if he is going onto these internet sites cruising for sex from strangers.
Many addicts replace one addiction for another. He is addicted to adrenaline rushes, and sex on swinging sites is sort of providingn the same rush, it is just not a drug.
If he is taking anti depressants they have been prescribed because he has an underlyingn depression and that is why he tried to self medicate with drugs. Also, abusing drugs literally changes the brain chemistry and he will need them to make him feel normal.....you are taking on quite a lot to be in a relationship with this guy, and I think it is really too soon to tell how he is going to do with his problems. He probably is embarassed and ashamed and wanting to protect your feelings....so don't stop confronting him and calling him out on his bad behavior....
I can't tell you what to think or do here, the decision is yours, just be aware that he has a lot to work through on his own with his addictions. I hope he is in counseling, I think he would really benefit from it.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, charlieswoofas +, writes (14 April 2007):
charlieswoofas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says it was a mistake and he feels embarrased about it and probably wouldnt have gone through with it, probably is not a definate no and i dont know if he is just trying to protect my feelings.
He says that if he was with me he would not want a swinging lifestyle and he just wanted to try it out whilst he was single, he was a drug user and has been completely clean for 15/16 months after a 7 year nightmare.
He is a very honest person and he doesnt lie he just doesnt tell me certain things and waits for me to find out, he suffers from depression although im not sure he actually suffers it and is just using the medication as a replacement to the drugs he was using, I dont know what to think about it all, do i believe he is straight? he has never given me a reason to distrust him up until now.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (14 April 2007):
 Both of you seem to have different views on sex and your limits. He does'nt sound 100% gay, but definately bisexual.
He probably still loves you but his desires are just more than you probably bargained for. He has to learn and respect your boundaries if he wants to continue the relationship with you.
Dont do anything you dont feel comfortable with, coz that is the worst thing you can do. Talk to him, he must be able to talk about this if your relationship is going to develop further. Without this it will always be an issue.
If he truly loves you he will understand where you are coming from and keep his desires firmly in his head and no further. He cant expect you to change your values and you be totally happy with that.
You need to get this out into the open.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (14 April 2007):
 No, I dont think he is gay. I think he is bisexual. My ex husband wanted to swing, too, and I was disgusted by it. Dont do anything you arent confortable with. Try to get some open, nonjudgemental communication with your BF. He may be feeling very confused right now because he is attracted to men. I know it seems personally hurtful to you right now, but try to focus on what is going on in his head, cause I dont think it is meant to hurt you.
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A
female
reader, sophielegs +, writes (14 April 2007):
 Hi.Gosh this is quite tricky. After reading your post I dont think your bf is gay but there is a good possibility he is bisexual. Trust me most guys i have dated if i have joked around about having a threesome there well up for it, but when I mentioned another guy to be involved, there not keen on the idea at all... I think maybe you should confront him and ask him to be honest with you, or just carry on but be on your guard..hope that helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): I think you have enough information here to conclude that your boyfriend is confused about his sexuality and is engaging in looking for experimental group sex....this would be enough for me personally to run for the door and never look back. It has become more common place due to the internet for people to engage in this kind of behavior and to me it is very sad, I think it ruins lives.
At the very least, you both are not at all on the same page about your values, let alone about what you want to do in the bedroom. He has told you he would like to engage in a swinging lifestyle and he does not care if it includes another man, this is gay behavior, it does not mean he is gay, but he is behaving like he might want to be. My first thought is that he is also a substance abuser, cocaine, alchohol or some other drug. Am I right?
Many drug users go down this road into sexual addiction, and he may have an underlying depression or even suffer from a mental disorder like bipolar personality disorder.
I would take a very hard look at him, try to see him from a different outsiders perspective and not a love struck young woman. Will he hurt you? He might unintentionally even because he is not the same person you thought he was.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): I doubt he is gay...but he may be bisexual. if he didn't want you he wouldn't be with you...and i doubt he'll hurt you, unless he goes ahead with the swinging thing, but if he loves you enough then he won't do it.
talk to him about it love, good luck x
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